


Rainy Sidewalks

by bittersweet_skylines



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Eventual relationship, F/M, Friendship, I dont wanna keep it up here, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, It sucks a lot, M/M, Slow Burn, but i am, but i mean if that kind of things float your boat, cliche as HECK, heavily friendship based, its so cliche, like its legit every other tree bros fan fic, so whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-03-02 16:25:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 57,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13322022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bittersweet_skylines/pseuds/bittersweet_skylines
Summary: “What are you doing?” Connor asked, putting the window up just a little bit.“Uh, walking?” Evan replied, glancing at the stop sign. His jaw was quivering as he nervously crossed his arms over his chest.“Yeah,” Connor laughed. “No shit smartass. What are you doing walking in the rain?”----Evan has a habit of getting caught in the rain, but that might just be his key to friendship.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Alright. FULL DISCLAIMER BEFORE IT STARTS.  
> I have no clue how this story is going to go. It's going to be crap- it might be long, it might be twenty chapters. I don't know. I'm just using this as a venting mechanism really, and just thought to put it on here? There's going to be cliches, and I can direct you to several much better stories that are more or less the same as this one. This is just another example of a geek trying to inmatate the popular people, and failing miserably.  
> So, if I haven't lost you yet, I'm shocked.  
> But enjoy, none the less.

Evan Hansen starred across the football field, where his school’s team was celebrating in a clump. He sat on the side, as far as he could from the big cluster of people in the stands. Most were beginning to leave now. Usually people would stick around a bit longer, but Evan guessed that due to the dark clouds submerging the sky, no one wanted to get caught in the rain. 

He huffed, scratching at his arm under his sweater. The skin was still itchy and dry from when he had his cast on. It was getting better now, but the feeling still kind of lingered. 

Zoe Murphy was ahead of him, her soft brown hair swaying from side to side as she held hands with someone Evan recognized from Zoe’s Jazz Band. He didn’t really pay attention to Zoe all that much after she got together with that guy- Evan wanted to say his name was Tyler, but he wasn’t sure. It sucked at first, but reality hit him him hard shortly after. ‘Cause Zoe Murphy was a pretty, confident girl who probably wanted nothing to do with someone like Evan. 

But like Evan came to terms with, he didn’t really care. He still liked her, but he didn’t care. 

A stray raindrop landed on the sleeve of his hoodie. 

He huffed, shaking his leg subconsciously. Evan still sat there, waiting for majority of the people to leave. 

Another few drops, and Evan decided enough people had passed for him to be able to walk, without being swarmed. 

He stood up, walking down the bleachers before glancing behind him. Among the last few stragglers, along with the still lingering Football team, was a tall lanky figure Evan knew was Connor Murphy. 

He wasn’t all that used to seeing Connor back at school yet. It had only been a little over a month, but that was a long time. No one really knew what had happened to Connor. He just disappeared one day and came back a month later, looking a little bit healthier than he normally did, but still caught smoking pot every other second. There was a couple rumors going around- that he ran off and joined a cult, or his parents sent him off to live with his grandparents, rehab, and... other things. 

Evan didn’t think much about it. There was always a thought that the letter he had stolen back at the start of September had something to do with it. It was a bit nerve wracking, to think you were the cause of someone’s random disappearance, and it bugged him for a long time, still kind of did. 

But- 

There was suddenly a ringing, someone’s phone. Evan checked his own before glancing around. There was a phone sitting on the bleachers, ringing and unattended. He glanced around again. 

It wasn’t his phone, so he should probably just leave it there. Whoever’s it was would come get it. But it was raining- or, starting to anyways. The phone would be ruined. He couldn’t pick up the phone. However, maybe he could find the owner? That would mean talking to people. He could turn it into the office? That would still require talking. 

He sighed and hesitantly walked over and grabbed the phone. The screen was cracked. Evan debated pressing the home screen. He did. 

A missed call from Zoe, and then two messages from her. Evan looked up again. Connor Murphy was walking back this way now. It was his phone. Unless someone else had Zoe’s number. No. Definitely Connor’s. 

Evan set it down slowly again, before turning around and beginning to walk always. 

“Hey!” 

He kept walking. 

“Hey, Hansen!” 

Evan sighed and turned back around. Connor was behind him, back where his phone was. 

“What were you doing with my phone?” he asked. Evan glanced around nervously. 

“Oh uh, n-nothing. I… I just saw it there and was like… I should give this to the uh, the office maybe? But… It’s yours! And… you, you got it… n-now so uh…” 

Connor raised an eyebrow and pocketed his phone. 

“Listen I uh, really don’t care,” Connor shrugged. Evan sighed in relief. He fidgeted, scratching behind his ear as he looked behind him. Was this silence his que to leave? 

Yeah. Yeah it was. 

He started to turn, but was stopped again. 

“Your arm… the cast is off now… Is it better?” Connor asked. 

“Oh! Uh, y-yeah. Yeah… I got it taken off a week ago… It’s uh, gone now…” Evan replied. 

“I can see that.” Connor let out a small awkward laugh.  Evan returned it with less enthusiasm. They hadn’t talked since Connor signed his cast. His now gone cast, which was in a landfill somewhere, along with the other casts that were cut off around the same time. 

“You know, I uh, I think the worst part of like, having- having my cast gone is that I uh, I can’t pretend I have a uh, a friend anymore,” he tried to joke. Connor just blinked slowly, nodding a bit. He didn’t smile or laugh. 

“I should- I should go,” Evan said as the rain started to pick up. He didn’t wait for Connor to reply. “I’m going to… to go.” 

He turned around and started walking. He was hoping Connor would continue talking, to stop him from leaving, but he didn’t. And why would he? They didn’t talk. At all. It was raining more now anyways, and he had to walk, so he went off. 

 

 

It was pouring. Pouring and Evan was only walking for two minutes, with probably another half hour to go. He shivered, stopping at a red light. He didn’t think of bringing a raincoat this morning when he left for school, even though he didn’t know about the expected rain. Plus he went straight from his final period to the football field for the game, which he admittedly didn’t understand any of it. 

Suddenly, there was a loud honk. Evan jumped, nearly having a heart attack. Naturally he looked around, seeing the car beside him. The window rolled down and Connor Murphy was sitting there, gesturing him over. 

Hesitantly, he walked over, leaning down to be somewhat level with the window. Connor flinched back and wiped something from his face, which caused Evan to take a step back. Did he splash him with water? Granted his window was down… 

“What are you doing?” Connor asked, putting the window up just a little bit. 

“Uh, walking?” Evan replied, glancing at the stop sign. His jaw was quivering as he nervously crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Yeah,” Connor laughed. “No shit smartass. What are you doing walking in the rain?” 

Evan looked back at the crosswalk. The opposite one was blinking down from thirty now. 

“Well uh, I gotta get home… and uh, I don’t have a bus pass? And I didn’t- I didn’t plan for rain? I’m just… trying to get home,” he said, nodding quickly. 

Again, Connor wiped away his face. Evan was shaking water at him, wasn’t he? Geez and the seats in his car were leather. That small bit of water won’t ruin the leather though right? Does water even ruin leather? God- Evan didn’t know. 

There was a moment of silence, Connor looked forward before sighing. 

“Get in the car, I’ll drive you home,” Connor offered. Evan snapped his attention back to Connor. 

“S-s-sorry?” 

“Get in, I’ll drive you home.” 

Evan looked back at the crosswalk. Ten seconds. 

“It’s fine… I’m fine… It’s like- a two minute walk from here. I uh, don’t wanna waste your uh, your time,” Evan said. He thought he saw Connor roll his eyes. Evan bit his lip. He was being annoying. 

The light changed before either could argue and Evan sighed. 

“Th-thanks for the offer though.” Evan nodded before crossing the road. 

Evan sighed, keeping his arms around himself. He bit his lip, glancing behind him. Connor’s car was still coming this way. 

He clenched and unclenched his fingers. They were getting really red and stiff. He should have taken the offer for the drive… 

Then again, Connor could have driven him to the middle of nowhere and dumped him there, with no way to get home- as some sort of revenge plot. 

Connor Murphy was  _ not  _ the revenge type.  

The car was slowing and pulling over again, somewhere Connor probably shouldn’t be pulling over. But he did, and he got out and oh no. Connor was getting out of the car. 

“Listen Hansen- Evan? I don’t want to be in this rain any longer than you do,” Connor said as he walked towards Evan. 

Well now Evan had to accept the drive, because Connor was out in the rain, and that was just unfair. 

Evan walked the rest of the distance to Connor’s car. 

“Y-you’re sure this uh, alright?” Evan asked. Connor nodded. 

“Now get in my car? It’s cold and I don’t want to get any more soaked then I have too,” Connor said, before getting back into his car. Evan hesitated again before walking over to the car. 

Did he walk over and get in the front seat? Something was in the passenger seat already- a coat? A bag maybe? Connor wasn’t moving it, so should he get in and move it before he sat down? Should he just get in the backseat?

Yeah. He was soaking… He didn’t want to get the front of the car wet too. 

He opened the backseat, before slipping in and sitting down. He put his soaking bag on the floor on  top of his feet, trying to keep it off of the floor. The light beige leather seats were cold, and his wet clothing wasn’t helping. He caught Connor looking at Evan weirdly in the mirror, but he tried to ignore it. The car smelt odd- like pot, maybe? Connor smoked… It would make sense. 

“Why the back seat?” Connor asked as he started the car up again. 

“Well uh.. Your… coat? Bag- thing it uh, was in the front seat so I thought I might as well just sit here? Yeah and I uh… You know… I’m soaking and didn’t want to uh, to uh… get your… seats… wet…” Evan explained but slowly realized that Connor wasn’t paying attention. 

Evan sighed and looked out the window, his fingers fidgeting with each other. 

Connor was talking, crap. 

“Sorry?” 

“Where do you live?” Connor repeated himself. 

“Oh yeah uh, Crestwood,” Evan replied. “I can… direct you from, from there.” 

“I thought you said it was only a two minute walk? That would’ve been like… another half an hour.” 

Evan sighed and nodded. 

“Yeah I uh, lied?” Evan said, scratching behind his ear. Connor raised an eyebrow and looked at Evan through the front mirror again. Evan looked back out the window. 

Again, there was silence. Connor wasn’t playing any music, which is odd. Evan would’ve thought that Connor would be the type to have to have music playing while he was driving. Evan bounced his leg as he bit his lip. 

Connor pulled into a gas station, tossed his jacket in the back seat next to Evan and patted the chair next to him. 

“Move up to the front seat while I get gas,” Connor said, getting out of the car. Evan paused, before getting out of the car, putting his bag over one shoulder. 

“Are you sure? I’ll get more of your car… wet…” Evan said, leaning on the car door. 

Connor was already putting gas into his car. 

“Yeah. It’s just a car… Trust me. I don’t care,” he laughed. Evan nodded, before getting into the front seat, buckling up and once again putting his bag on top of his feet. He played with the hem of his sweater again. 

Connor got back in and was off again. 

“So uh… how’ve you been…” Connor asked. 

“T-turn here,” Evan pointed out. “I’ve been… fine… Yeah, I’ve been fine… Where have you been?” he asked, before his eyes widened and quickly covered his mouth with his hands. 

“I’m sorry I- I shouldn’t… That wasn’t all that uh, appropriate? Was it?” Evan said. Connor shrugged. 

“Well… not really but…” Connor paused. “I just… went away for a while? Stayed with my Uncle in Florida for a bit…” 

Evan nodded before looking back out the window. 

“You’ll uh, you’ll have to go left not this turn but t-the next one?” Evan said. Connor nodded and got over. 

“What were you- you doing at the um, the er- football game?” Evan asked. “N-n-no offense but you uh, don’t seem like the kind to- to like… that kind of… stuff.” 

Connor shrugged. 

“Thought Zoe needed a ride after so I stuck around,” Connor said simply. Evan nodded. 

“What about you? Aren’t you all like… anti social interactment or something?” Connor asked. 

“N-not anti social but… I’m just… anxious? Anxious. Yeah but… e-even though I d-don’t really have friends… I figured I might as well make like- you know- memories that… every high schooler does? Like… Football games a-and going out after… Only you see, I can’t- er… don’t have friends? Friends to go out and do those… things…” Evan trailed off again, looking down at his sweater. Connor wasn’t paying attention anymore. 

“I guess that makes sense,” Connor said with a small shrug. 

Evan looked up with a small smile. Did Connor actually listen to him? 

“Oh uh, two more rights,” Evan pointed out. 

The rest of the ride was quiet for the most part. Evan only spoke up when he needed to give directions. 

Eventually, Connor stopped in front of his house. 

It was a little embarrassing looking at it now. Evan knew Connor came from a more wealthy family, and his house was extremely small and run down compared to the brand new, modern house built next to it, and the one being built on the other side. 

Somehow, his house looked the most welcoming compared to all the other new ones going up in the neighbourhood. Maybe it was because it was  _ his  _ home, or maybe it was simply the fact that it was older, worn down due to a single mother raising her son, and whoever came before that, living in it as their own too. He just wished his mother was home more. 

“... Evan? This is your house right?” 

Evan snapped out of his trance, his face going bright red. 

“Y-yeah sorry… uh… sorry…” Evan said, suddenly quickly picking up his stuff from the floor of Connor’s car. “Thanks for the ride… sorry… for uh, you know, getting your car… wet. Really wet,” he said. 

“No problem Hansen,” Connor said. Evan took that slight change of tone in his voice as the que to get out as fast as he could. So he did, he made sure he had everything, gave a quick wave to Connor before making his way up to his door. 

He fiddled with his keys, trying to find the right one to the house. 

Then he dropped his keys. 

He sighed, glancing behind him to see Connor had already driven off. 

Picking up his keys, Evan opened the door and stepped inside. He stood in the doorway, dripping wet before sighing. He leant against the door and starred ahead towards the kitchen. 

He sniffed, before kicking off his soggy shoes. First thing first, he should probably make sure his phone wasn’t screwed due to water damage. 


	2. Chapter Two

Evan woke up with a cold the next morning. He debated not going to school, but it was Friday and he knew that if he didn’t go (over a small little cold) he would be panic all weekend over what he missed during classes. Of course, he probably could just email his teachers, but he didn’t like the idea of that. Cause then he’d have to write a professional email for each teacher, and he just didn’t have the energy for that today. 

He got dressed and checked the weather. It was still cloudy, but there wasn’t supposed to be any rain today. 

His bag was still soaked- well, damp anyways. He dried most of his things off, mostly just by putting them all into the dryer, but he didn’t know if his bag could go in the dryer, so he hung it up in the bathroom over the vent, in hopes that would help it dry faster. Then there was his notebook, which he planned to try and recopy his notes into a new notebook, if the ink wasn’t all that bad. 

Looking back, Evan probably should have taken the bus home instead of walk- only to get Connor Murphy’s car soaking wet. 

He hoped his car was fine. Should Evan bring him something to say thanks? What did people like Evan like? Nothing Evan knew of- or could get his hands on, really. 

Evan decided to take some bus tickets from the kitchen drawer, just in case. He didn’t like the bus all that much personally, but he decided he would suck it up this morning, and probably after school too, if all went well this morning. 

His mom was already gone, or she was still sleeping. He wasn’t too concerned anyways. 

 

Out of the house and down the street to the bus stop Evan went, with his old gym bag as a temporary replacement and with a small to go cup of tea. There was a girl next to him, with bright pink hair and neon yellow headphones. She didn’t go to Evan’s school, Evan would’ve probably noticed her. She also looked really young. 

Evan wondered how she was able to go around every day with that loud of hair. People probably stared all the time? Did she know when people stared at her? Was she used to it? Evan wondered how much of an upkeep that was- geez her bathroom might be stained neon pink everywhere. 

The girl looked at Evan for a brief moment, smiled softly before looking back down to her phone. 

Evan looked away quickly, blood rushing to his cheek. He was staring. She was probably really creeped out now. 

He wiped his hands on his pants as the bus approached. Was that his bus? Was it number seventy nine or ninety seven? They both stopped at this stop. 

Evan sighed as he got on the bus. He really didn’t know if this was his bus, but the bus seemed to be going towards his school. So, instead of chancing missing the bus to check, he was going to chance it. He shouldn’t chance it- but he was going to. He’d be fine. 

He was lucky to get a seat in the back of the bus, sitting on the isle seat next to a guy with his headphones in, staring out the window. He gave the other guy enough room as possible. 

It wasn’t until the bus was moving that Evan realized that most the kids looked like they went to junior high- not high school. The kid next to him was maybe thirteen years old. Was he on the wrong bus? 

Evan got his phone out and looked on the bus app. 

He was on the wrong bus. 

Did he get out at the next stop? Well, the next stop the ninety seven didn’t stop, but in five stops it would stop. So he could get off there, and then get on the right bus. He’d be late- hopefully only by a bit. He’d be okay, right? Yeah. He could wait until then to get off the bus, and get on the right one. He had that transfer bus ticket now- those worked right? Obviously. It was a  _ transfer _ ticket. He would be fine. 

He tapped on his leg nervously. He’d be fine, surely. 

The kid next to him requested a stop. Was this the fourth stop now? Yeah. That was the fourth stop. So one more stop and he could get off. 

Evan got up for him, and the kid left without acknowledging him. Evan sighed quietly as he slipped into the window seat. A girl got in the seat next to him and started talking to her friend in the spot next to him. 

He couldn’t ask the girl to get up now. She just sat down, and it would probably be annoying if Evan asked her to get up right as she sat down. Was there another bus stop he could get off at? Maybe he could just slip past her. 

Whatever he decided, he had to decide quickly cause the stop was coming up and- and the bus went by his stop. He couldn’t get off now. What did he do? Did he get off at the next stop? He couldn’t get off at the next stop. The ninety seven stopped at the same bus stop next to the junior high school this bus was probably going to. He could get off then, and get on his bus then. He’d be late- probably miss his first period… God he was going to be late to his class. 

 

**[7:45 AM] To Mom:**

_ I got on the wrong bus, and will probably be late for first period. Can you excuse me for it? Please?  _

 

He was hoping she’d get the message before school started. There was still half an hour before classes started so hopefully she’d get it. 

Evan waited until the stop came up, and luckily the girl beside him got up with her friends to leave too, so he wouldn’t have to ask her to leave. He got off along with everyone else, but stayed at the stop instead of walking towards the school. 

He fiddled with the hem of his sleeve, glancing around nervously. 

He went back on his phone to check the bus schedule. The bus wouldn’t be here for another fifteen minutes. 

He decided to dig out his pair of earbuds. They weren’t very good, and Evan didn’t have much music on his phone, seeing as there was only four gigabytes of storage, but it was a distraction, so he decided to put them in and play what he had. 

He hummed along softly to the music as he played some matching game on his phone, glancing up every few seconds to check for his bus. When it finally came, he got on and found a seat. It was much less crowded than the last bus, which was a breath of fresh air, and he was able to get a seat near the front of the bus, with no one needing to sit beside him because there was still plenty of room. 

 

Another half an hour later, the bus hadn’t driven anywhere near his school now, and he was fifteen minutes late. In fact, the bus was making it’s way downtown now, further and further from his school. 

Maybe it should have occurred to him early that the bus already passed his school, and now it was going to all it’s other stops. What was he supposed to do now? Was there another bus stop going the other way? 

In a panic, he got off at a stop just outside a McDonalds, and decided to step into the restaurant to figure something out. He ordered a hashbrown and juice, just so he wasn’t sitting there with nothing from the place and sat down, before trying to figure out how to get to school. 

He could call his mother. She probably couldn’t get her though, she did text him back though from his previous message, which meant maybe she could arrange something? She had her phone- maybe one of her friends could pick him up? 

But then he’d have to social with his mom’s friend, probably someone he didn’t know very well. No. His mother was not really an option. 

He could call Jared. Chances were he could slip out of his class to get him. Would he come all the way downtown though? Maybe. Evan probably couldn’t convince him to come get him though. They were just family friends after all, and if Evan started a conversation with Jared, it would end before it began. 

Jared wasn’t really an option… but he could try. 

He grabbed his phone from his jacket and dialed Jared’s number. It rang six times, and then went to voicemail. He sighed and stuck his phone back into his pocket. He didn’t see the need to leave a message, it wouldn’t matter anyways. 

Luckily though, seconds later Jared called him back. 

“I thought we agreed to only call in an emergency- Evan this better be an emergency, because I’m missing Mrs Neil roasting everyone in bio,” Jared said through the phone. 

“Yeah I uh… You see, I took the wrong bus-”

“You take the bus to school?” Jared interrupted. Evan paused, before continuing. 

“Yes… no. Not normally but I thought it was, it was going to rain? A-and so I took the bus, but I took the wrong one? And… now I’m downtown I-I think and I need someone to- to pick me up?” Evan said as he glanced around the McDonalds. 

“And you want me to ditch my class to come?” Jared asked flatly. Evan wasn’t getting a drive. He should hang up now. It was useless, he knew it. 

Evan was close to tears now, as stupid as it was. 

“I-I’ll make sure to talk you up to, to my mom… If you want, you know?” Evan offered. 

There was a pause. 

“Yeah okay. Text me the address and I’ll be there… But I expect being talked up to Heidi at least three separate times this month for this. I have a quiz next period.” 

And with that, Jared hung up. Evan texted him the address, and then waited for Jarad’s red truck to appear in the parking lot. 

He ended up ordering four more hashbrowns by mistake. He actually just wanted one more, but the one came out as a four and he didn’t want to correct the elderly lady so he just bought four more, and then went outside. He ate one, and really didn’t want another three. Maybe he should give Jared one? Yeah he could do that. 

When Jared pulled up, he wasted no time in getting in the car and thanking Jared like crazy for this. Once they were driving again, Evan took one of the hashbrowns out. 

“Do you uh, want one? I accidently bought like, like uh, five and ate two already…” he asked nervously. 

Jared laughed. 

“My god Evan… you’re pathetic,” Jared laughed, but took the hash brown anyways and took a bite out of the top. 

“T-thanks for reminding me,” Evan said quietly. Jared shrugged, turning at a light. 

They drove in a mostly silence, with Jared’s radio playing some classic rock channel quietly. Just enough to make out the bass and words of the song. 

 

“You owe me you know,” Jared said as they pulled back into the school’s parking lot. 

“Hash brown?” Evan said, pushing the bag towards Jared.

Jared cocked an eyebrow and shook his head. 

“Yeah no, I don’t want another one of your hash browns,” Jared said before getting out of his car. 

Evan did too, and quickly got to his locker, before making his way to his second period. It was half way over now, but it was still worth it to go to his class. He forgot to leave the hash browns in his locker though, so he just put them in his bag, with the hopes that they wouldn’t leak grease everywhere and or stink up his bag. 

He was rushing up the stairs to the second floor, not really paying attention. However he stopped at the landing, noticing a body curled up in the corner of it. It didn’t take him long to notice it was Connor. Did he talk to him? 

“H-hey uh, Connor?” Evan said. Connor looked up from his phone, eyebrows knitted together in annoyance but they quickly softened. 

“Hi,” he said shortly. 

“I uh, didn’t accidently leave my uh, my uh, my… headphones! My headphones in your car… yesterday… d-did I?” Evan asked. He didn’t leave his headphones in Connors car. He knew that. They were in his pocket right now, but what else did he have to say? 

“I don’t think so… I guess I can look for you?” Connor said. Evan laughed shortly. 

“Well uh- actually I didn’t leave them… you see I just said that so like, I had a reason to talk to you? Because you’re sitting here, alone and stuff…” Evan said, fidgeting with his sleeves. 

Connor laughed. 

“Don’t you have to get to a class or something?” Connor asked. 

“Well yeah, but thinking about it now… I-it’ll be really awkward to uh, to go in there? Like, classes already started… and I’ll h-have to explain why I’m late… and I- I don’t really want to explain that I accidently uh, got on a wrong bus? Like… One with a bunch of middle school kids… A-and it took me two hours to actually get… get here? So I guess I-m just- just prolonjing- prolong _ ing  _ the inevitable?” Evan rambled on. Connor laughed again. 

“How’d you manage that?” he laughed. Evan shrugged. 

“God you’re pathetic…” Connor laughed, running a hand through his hair. 

Evan sighed and nodded. 

“Y-yeah you’re the th-third person to tell me, to tell me, to tell me that today,” he replied. Connor’s amused face dropped for a second. 

“Who else said that?” Connor asked. Evan shrugged. 

“Jared Kleinman? He picked me up and uh, myself so…” Evan trailed off, glancing up the stairs to the second floor door. 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah uh… do you want a hash brown?” Evan asked, taking his bag off of his shoulder and going to open it. Connor quirked an eyebrow up. 

“Why do you have hash browns?” he asked. 

Evan took the McDonalds bag out of his bag, and handed it to Connor. 

“Well I got out of- er- off the bus by a McDonalds and waited inside… until Jared came for me? So I uh, bought juice and… five… hash browns…” he said, getting quiet at the end. 

Connor happily took the bag and took one of the hash browns out. They were probably cold now, but Connor wasn’t complaining. 

“Why five?”

“I got one… and I meant to buy one more, but the uh, the funny thing is that I actually-” Evan laughed “- I stuttered- yeah, I stuttered and asked for four instead… but didn’t correct her when she ordered me four?” Connor wasn’t laughing. Evan dropped his gaze. 

“Well that is possibly the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” Connor laughed, crumbling up the paper of the hash brown paper and reaching in for the other one. 

“I thought the uh, the saddest thing you heard was that I uh, I fell out of a tree and broke- or broke my arm… by fall out of a tree?” Evan joked, adjusting his grip on his binder. 

Connor screwed up his face. 

“When did that happen?” he asked. 

“Oh! Uh, I didn’t… expect you to remember it- it anyways… Back in september? Like- the first day of uh, school,” Evan said sheepishly. A look of realization spread across Connor’s face and he nodded. 

“That explains it.” 

“S-sorry?” 

Connor shook his head and brushed it off, taking the last bite of the second hash brown. 

“Nothing, don’t worry about it,” Connor said, smushing the entire McDonalds bag all together and setting it beside him. “Do you uh, wanna leave and do something? Like… go to the mall? God that sounds ridiculous…” He laughed, shaking his head. 

Evan blinked, surprised that that was what Connor said. 

“Well I uh, I you know, have to get to class… I probably shouldn’t uh, miss anymore classes… but I’d like to hang out maybe like, after school?” Evan said, gnawing on his bottom lip. Connor nodded and stood up, brushing his sweater and pants off. 

“Right of course, I forgot normal people actually went to classes regularly,” Connor laughed. Was he joking? “I was uh, joking…” Evan nodded. 

“Give me your phone,” Connor said, holding out his hand. 

“W-why?” Evan asked, slowly taking it out his phone. 

“I’ll put my number in it? And uh, we can meet by the doors by the parking lot after school, yeah?” Connor said. Evan nodded, making a small ‘oh’ sound and handed it over, only for connor to hand it back. 

“You need to unlock it,” Connor said. 

“Oh! Y-yeah of course, sorry about, about that,” Evan said, laughing awkwardly before unlocking it, pulling up his contacts, which only had about five contacts saved, and handed it back. 

They both exchanged a smile before Evan went up the remainder of the stairs and making his way to his class, which now only had a little over twenty minutes left, but at least Evan could talk to his teacher about what he missed before going off for lunch. 

 

At the end of the day, Evan gathered his stuff and hung around by his locker a bit longer than he normally would. He was debating if he should go and find Connor. He knew where Connor was supposed to be waiting for him, but should he go? Did Connor really wanna hang out with him? 

He sighed and closed his locker before making his way towards the parking lot entrance. If Connor wasn’t there that was fine. It wouldn’t expect him to wait for Evan anyways… He spent at least five minutes at his locker. 

Evan leant against the lockers next to the exit, before checking his phone. Connor wasn’t here. Maybe he left? He probably left. Granted would he have texted Evan if something came up? No. Of course not. He gave Evan his number, but he didn’t have Evan’s. Crap. Who thought that was a good idea? 

Evan waited another minute before deciding he would just walk home. He didn’t expect Connor to actually want to hang out with him, and frankly Evan didn’t really want to hang out with him either. That was a lie. Evan really wanted a friend, but Connor Murphy was an interesting guy, kind of like Jared in the sense that he was a wild card, and Evan really didn’t know if he was going to be nice to him or not. 

Sure, today he was fine, but Evan could recall what happened back in September, and Connor’s first day back a week or two ago, where he pushed Evan into the lockers and snapped at him for staring at Connor for a second too long. 

Evan sighed as he crossed the street. At least it wasn’t raining this time. 

 

Once he got home and had had a bowl of grapes as some sort of snack, he settled into one of the dining room chairs with his homework. He sighed quietly as he stared at his phone. Should he text Connor so he had his number? What if Connor gave him the wrong number though purposely and he were to text someone random? That would be enough or Evan to cancel his plan and switch his number entirely. 

After literal minutes of writing and rewriting the text, he finally sent it, before shutting off his phone entirely and sliding it to the other side of the table. He did  _ not  _ want to see the reply, from whoever it would be from. 

 

**[4:57 PM] To Connor:**

_ Hey, Connor? It’s Evan. You gave me your number today and I figured I should text you so you had mine? And if this isn’t Connor I’m really sorry and please just delete this message and ignore it entirely. But yeah, here’s my number? _

 

Evan sighed as he thought about the text, going to his homework. There was definitely a better way he could have phrased that, maybe made it less awkward, but he didn’t, and it was sent now, so he was stuck with living with the knowledge that he sent that message, of all messages he could’ve sent. 

 

At five thirty, his mom called the house phone and asked Evan what he wanted from this chinese take out place. She also expressed her concern of Evan not having answered his phone, which he told her it was charging upstairs. 

After that, he finally turned his phone on again. He wasn’t expecting a reply at all from Connor, but instead he got three. 

 

**[5:00 PM] From Connor:**

_ Crap! I totally forgot that we were going to meet up. You’re not still at the school are you? _

 

**[5:02 PM] From Connor:**

_ Evan? I could come get you right now and we can still do something. I’m a little high but like, fine enough to drive.  _

 

**[5:11 PM] From Connor:**

_ Look I understand if you’re mad but at least tell me you aren’t still waiting at the school?  _

 

Evan sighed and sat down on the couch. What was he supposed to say? 

 

**[5:39 PM] To Connor:**

_ Yeah I’m home, sorry. My phone died so I couldn’t look at it. You don’t have to worry about doing anything with me, I totally understand. You probably shouldn’t drive high either so, maybe we can hang out another time?  _

 

**[5:40 PM] From Connor:**

_ Yeah, okay. You’re probably right. I just wished I had an excuse to leave my house for once lol. Talk to you on monday I guess.  _

 

Evan sighed. Maybe he should invite Connor over? He knew where he lived and stuff… and maybe he wasn’t as high now? How did being high work? Surely it was kind of like drinking… So he was probably still high. Evan didn’t want to be the reason Connor got into a crash for driving while high. 

 

**[5:42 PM] To Connor:**

_ Well, I’m free tomorrow?  _

 

**[5:42 PM] From Connor:**

_ That works! I’ll pick you up around like, two? We can go watch a movie or hang out at the mall or some shit.  _

 

**[5:43 PM] To Connor:**

_ Okay. See you then.  _

 

Evan sighed in relief as he set his phone down. As if on que, Heidi walked in with a brown paper bag. She greeted Evan before telling him to come eat while the food was still hot, as well as while she was home, so they could talk before she headed off to class. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, like I said, this is not going to be a good story. I'm really overwhelmed by the amount of kudos and reads I got in one chapter? Like I used to write a lot for other fandoms and they got like twenty reads and two kudos so thanks? If you're reading this onward. So thanks for that. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, unedited, but that's okay. I'll do that later.


	3. Chapter Three

Evan stood in front of the bathroom mirror, which only really showed half his torso and up. He adjusted the collar of his shirt, then sighed and walked back into his room, taking it off and putting the t shirt he slept in back on. He sighed and put his sweat pants back on once again, plopping down on his bed. 

He didn’t know why he was so nervous. Well- he did. 

He didn’t know how to do things with people who weren’t his mom or Jared. He didn’t know what Connor wanted to do today- he just knew that he was picking him up soon. Too soon. 

Well, if two hours was too soon, then too soon. 

He stared at his phone nervously. Should he even go? What if this was all some sort of plot to get revenge over that letter? No. Connor didn’t remember that. Evan was pretty sure he had this panic attack already too, and justified the fact that was true last time. 

Evan sighed, shaking out his hands before he got dressed again, this time in a clean shirt, jeans and a sweater, trying to be a bit more casual. Nope. That wasn’t working either. 

He should just cancel the whole thing. Sure, his mom would probably be disappointed, but she had the day off- so maybe Evan could just hang out with his mom instead. 

Slowly, he made his way downstairs to the living room, where his mom was watching a recording of this morning's news. She was still in pyjamas, with her hair tossed up lazily and a plate of toast in her hand. 

“Hey uh, mom?” Evan said as he moved to sit next to her. She jumped, before laughing and shaking her head. 

“Geez Evan, you scared me,” she laughed. “What’s up? Are you ready to leave?” she asked, turning to face Evan just a bit. 

“Yeah well, uh, about that… H-he had to cancel on me uh, last, uh minute? Yeah, like, just now… So I was wondering if you mabe wanted to do something? Instead? I just… like, you know… I’m ready a-and was really excited so…” He stuck his hands in his pockets and bit his lip. 

She frowned before pausing the recording and putting her plate down. 

“I’m sorry Evan…” She said softly, as if Evan was a fragile flower that would wither away at the brush of someone’s breath. Evan shrugged and looked down at his lap. 

“What do you want to do today?” she asked. Evan smiled and looked up again. 

“I don’t know actually… We could go for a walk, maybe? To like a park? O-or there’s that open mic we could go watch… It’s not usually that busy and the musicians are really good,” Evan rambled. 

She nodded. 

“Okay. Evan, the day is ours. I’ll get ready and we can leave in half an hour, okay?” 

He nodded. 

“I’m just going to uh, do some homework before then,” Evan said, standing up once again and making his way to his room once more. He needed to wash his bed sheets. 

He sighed and grabbed his phone, before opening up Connor’s contact. He kind of regretted doing that. This was probably his once chance at making a friend- a real friend. Not a family friend. However, here he was, too scared to actually go through with the plans so he was cancelling. 

 

**[12:03 PM] To Connor:**

_ Hi Connor. I know we had plans but I woke up feeling really sick, so I think I should probably just stay home and relax. I’m sure you don’t want to hang around someone coughing and sneezing and sweating all day. Maybe we can reschedule?  _

 

He held his breath, waiting anxiously for a response. Luckily, he got one right away. 

 

**[12:05 PM] From Connor:**

_ You know. If you didn’t want to hang out with me, you could have just said so before making plans. Being an awkward loser doesn’t excuse you from being an asshole and ditching out on plans with people.  _

 

Evan stared at the message. No. No no no no! That’s not what he meant. He didn’t want Connor to be mad at him! 

 

**[12:06 PM] To Connor:**

_ I didn’t mean it like that! I am actually sick. I was really looking forward to hanging out with you, trust me. I just don’t want to go out if I think I’m going to throw up, you know?  _

 

**[12:15 PM] From Connor:**

_ Fuck you Hansen.  _

 

Evan turned off his phone and tossed it to the side, hugging his knees up to his chest. He regretted that now. Connor hated him- Connor never liked him. Not really- Evan didn’t think so anyways. He wiped his eyes, which were watering slightly now. 

Good going Evan Hansen, classic mistake maker. 

Evan laid down on the bed, curling up under his bed with a book. Why didn’t he just suck it up and hang out with Connor? Connor initiated it, both times. He probably wanted to hang out, but they were like oil and water. What would they talk about? Would it be awkward if they stopped talking, being surrounded by the silence? God that would consume Evan, and certainly it could spiral him into some sort of less than ideal state. 

There was no use in dwelling on it now. What was done was done. 

The shower was running in the room over next to him. He sighed and sat up, looking around his room. He didn’t know what to do while he waited. He could read- though he didn’t have too too many books of interest in his room right now. 

He sat at his desk. He hadn’t written a letter to himself in half a month. Dr Sherman stopped asking Evan for his letters after the second week of school, but she was quick to figure out other strategies. Still, Evan occasionally wrote to himself.  

He cracked open the old notebook, with several letters in the beginning pages, which he never actually turned into Dr Sherman. Those ones were too dark, too concerning to give her, so he left them there. 

He picked up a pen and wrote.

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_ I have a question for you… _

_ So tell me, how come every chance you get to change the course of your life in a less lonely direction, you always back out? What’s wrong with making friends? Hmm? Sure, Connor Murphy  _ might  _ not be the ideal option, but my god just make friends already! The first person to be nice to you, and want to talk to you, and to hang out with you is Connor, and you just ruined that opportunity.  _

_ So, next time you’re stuck out in the rain, but too scared to get into the warm shelter, whether it be a car, or a house, or even under a bloody umbrella, just accept it.  _

_ Sincerely,  _

_ Me.  _

 

Heidi knocked on Evan’s door half an hour later, telling him she was ready and would be downstairs. Evan gathered his things before making his way downstairs as well, shoving his sneakers onto his feet as he walked down, trying to use his feet to get them on properly as he went downstairs. 

She was smiling, bag in hand and keys in the other. Evan smiled back, before the two got into Heidi’s car. 

“Should we get lunch first? We could go to Mama’s Pasta. They have their lunch special on right now,” Heidi suggested, Evan nodded. Yeah. He liked the sound of that. 

 

Luckily, once the two got into the restaurant, they were able to get a table right away. Maybe it was just a stroke of luck,considering the four other groups that were waiting before them had more than four people. 

They sat down, ordered drinks and then sifted through the menu together, pointing out what seemed nice to eat. Evan couldn’t remember the last time they went out to an actual restaurant together, probably right after he got his cast on, actually. It was nice, and the constant stream of conversation from his mother kept Evan from thinking about what happened earlier. 

A little while after they ordered their food, a spinach dip was in front of them with small pieces of bread, a starter that they decided to get together to share. 

They were about halfway down when his phone buzzed. He figured it was just Jared, maybe the phone company reminding him to pay his bill. However, it buzzed again, so Evan figured he should probably check it. 

He knew it was rude to interrupt his mother, but he pulled out his phone anyways. He knitted his eyebrows and looked around, biting his lip when he made eye contact with a certain long haired, frustrated boy towards the back of the restaurant. 

“Everything okay Evan?” Heidi asked. Evan looked back to her and nodded. 

“Y-yeah sorry… uh, just Jared texting about some online game we were playing together yesterday,” Evan said with a small shrug. She smiled and nodded. 

 

**[1:21 PM] From Connor:**

_ So much for feeling too sick to go out, huh?  _

 

**[1:22 PM] From Connor:**

_ Look at your phone you asshole.  _

 

Evan looked back up at Connor, who was looking down at his menu now. He sighed and closed his phone, before going back to the food. Connor already hated him. The damage was done anyways, so he didn’t really want to try and justify why he lied. He could though, if he really wanted to. 

Another buzz. 

“Is Jared okay? He’s texting you quite a bit,” Heidi pointed out. Evan shrugged, before turning his phone off entirely. 

“Jared can wait,” Evan replied, finishing off the last bit of bread. Connor was glaring at him now. Why couldn’t Connor just mind his own business? It’s not like he hadn’t blown Evan off either! He did it yesterday!

They continued to talk, mostly small things about school, and how Evan was doing, and if he wanted to see about doing some volunteer hours or getting a job, which they both knew the answer too. 

Evan glanced up again. Connor was getting up out of his table, and paranoia was setting in, so Evan got up and grabbed his phone. 

“I’m just going to uh, use the washroom,” Evan said with a small nod before briskly walking to the washrooms, going into the men's, which looking at it, if he wanted to steer clear of the wrath of Connor Murphy, he probably shouldn’t have gone in there. 

Just like he expected, there Connor was two seconds later, standing in front of Evan, cornering him in. 

“You don’t look sick. You could have just told me you didn’t like me- that you were scared of me like the rest of this damn school!” Connor said, his voice surprisingly calm, but still somewhat frustrated.

Evan was shaking. He didn’t like being yelled at- angrily talked to, in this case. He didn’t like being cornered. He didn’t like being cornered and yelled at at the same time. 

“I-I didn’t uh, didn’t mean to hurt your uh, your feelings? You see… My mom? Yeah! My- my mom’s shift got cancelled… and I don’t see her all that, all that often? So I thought- well I wanted to have lunch, and stuff, with her… But I thought y-you wouldn’t believe me i-if you uh, told you the truth? So I lied… A-and in reetro- uh, retrospec… Speck? Spected? Spec… I uh, didn’t actually think you’d be h-here,” Evan rambled, trying to think of anything to get out of this situation right now. 

Connor raised an eyebrow and shook his head. 

“And you couldn’t just tell me? You’re aware that I’m about as much as a paranoid mess as you, right?” Connor scoffed. Evan looked down at his hands. 

“I’m sorry?” he said, looking back up. “I’ll be more aware next time I guess?” 

“Whatever Hansen,” Connor sighed before storming out of the washroom again. Evan waited a minute, washed his hands and then left as well. 

He greeted his mom with a smile, and luckily their food was at the table now, so it was mostly just silence and eating at this point. He wasn’t all that hungry now, but he still continued to eat. 

They left before the Murphy’s, luckily. When Heidi asked what else Evan wanted to do, he decided that he didn’t want to really want to go out and about anymore. The chances that he was going to see Connor again was slim, but still, he didn’t want to risk it. 

She happily agreed, and they ended up playing Clue and watching a doctor show that Heidi liked and hadn’t had enough time to watch recently. Evan didn’t like it all that much, it was almost too real feeling. He knew it was all fake, but still. He couldn’t help but get invested in one character though, who overdosed on some pills, and was trying to sneak more while still omitted in the hospital. 

He didn’t know why he liked that character so much. He had minimal screen time, probably the least of all the patients present but it still stuck out to him. 

Evan’s mom ended up getting called in around five, which kind of disappointed Evan, but he didn’t complain. He got to spend plenty of time with her, which was really nice and fun. He was glad he to have hung out with her, even if it meant potentially ruining any chance of friendship he had with Connor Murphy. 

Evan couldn’t see a friendship actually forming out of their two personalities anyways. Connor didn’t care about anything, he was a ticking time bomb ready to explode in any direction at any time. And then Evan was… Evan. Quiet, anxious, lonely Evan. 

He didn’t even think he could even maintain a friendship even if it did take off. He was barely able to do so with his friendship with Jared. Granted, Jared was different. Connor was different too. He didn’t really know how easy it would be to befriend Connor. Properly. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad? Or maybe it would? 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone's getting into actually developing a plot for this story? Wow. So, I take back all my negativeity to this story, because I'm LOVING it right now. Clearly, from the tree days in a row update. 
> 
> Granted, I had the first three already written when I posted the first one, and now the fourth one is done, but I might wait on updating that for a bit longer 'cause I don't want to catch up to where I've written up to... which I'm doing.


	4. Chapter Four

Connor Murphy disappeared off of the face of the planet for two weeks after that weekend. Zoe was gone for the first week, and then returned the second to school looking exhausted and stressed. 

Evan was kind of worried, whether or not he should be, he didn’t know. He debated texting Connor, asking how he was, but he didn’t know if he was  _ allowed  _ to do that. Sure, he had his number, but Connor did end their last conversation with  _ fuck you Evan Hansen _ , or something like that, so Evan really didn’t think he was in the right place to do so. 

He didn’t want to ask Zoe, he  _ really  _ didn’t think it was his place to talk to her. He saw how she strayed away from all conversation, none of which Evan thought was about her brother. In fact, he didn’t think that anyone noticed Connor was gone. 

Evan sat in the computer lab, staring at a turnt on screen, but nothing was happening. 

He opened a document, and glanced around. 

_ Dear Evan Hansen.  _

He sighed, before shutting down the computer. He didn’t know what he was doing. No words were coming to mind. Maybe he could try and reenact the first day of school again. Write the same creepy letter, and then leave it in the printer for two seconds too long and Connor will magically appear, asking him some small talk question- 

_ “How’d you get that stain on your shirt?”  _ He could ask. 

“ _ Oh. Jared split his raspberry milk- milkshake, oh uh, on me? Today at lunch- and I, I tried to y’know… Clean it off but uh, but… Of course I chose today of all days to wear a white shirt,”  _ Evan would reply. Maybe then Connor would spill something on his shirt as well, and he could say how now they could both pretend they had asshole friends who spilt milkshakes on them. 

That was silly though. It wouldn’t happen. It wouldn’t hurt if he wrote to himself though. The computer was shut down now though, so he’d write it by hand. Yeah. He could do that. He’d do that. 

He took out a loose piece of paper and a pen, and quickly started writing, only having ten minutes left during his lunch period. 

He was half done when the bell rang, so he wrapped it up hastily, and packed up his things, before zipping out of the computer lab. He passed Zoe in the process, who was just walking into the lab, muttering a small “‘xcuse me,” while she pushed passed him. 

He made it through Calculus fine, a little bored. He was almost tempted to just continue to write the letter. However, after several intervals of trying to find the letter, he gave up. He didn’t want to get caught shuffling through his bag and not paying attention. 

Once the bell rang, Evan packed up and started making his way towards the door, but he was suddenly stopped by someone calling his name. 

Evan bit his lip and turned around, to see Alana Beck, books piled in her arms. 

“Hey Evan,” she said. Evan smiled awkwardly, adjusting his backpack on his shoulder. 

“Hi Alana.”

“You talk to Connor Murphy, right? I mean, I saw you two together a couple times, whether or not you’re friends… I can’t really tell. You two seem more like acquaintances to me but-”

“Is there uh, is there a point to this Alana? I-I gotta get to, to gym,” Evan hesitantly interrupted. Alana closed her mouth and nodded. 

“Have you noticed he has been missing the past two weeks? I asked Mr Rightwood- my english teacher, did you know he’s been working here for twenty years? But, Connor’s in my english class with me, so I asked him, and he told me he couldn’t tell me, so I thought you might know?” Alana rambled on. 

Evan hesitated, before shaking his head. 

“No sorry I uh, I don’t know…” he trailed off. He had four minutes more to get to is locker, get his clothing, and change, or he was doing laps. Evan didn’t want to do laps. 

“Oh. I hope he’s okay,” Alana said. “You know, it’s not my place to think about it, but I think there’s some deeper meaning as to why he left for pretty much all of september, you know? I just hope my theory isn’t right.”

“S-sorry? What do you uh, think happened?” Evan asked. Alana opened her mouth to speak before shaking her head. 

“It’s not my place to assume, sorry Evan,” she shrugged, before walking away from him. Evan watched as her ponytail swayed from side to side. He sighed before glancing down the other hallway. He set off quickly, hoping to get to his locker and changed before the bell rang. 

 

He didn’t get there in time, and he had to do laps, in the rain, while everyone else played soccer, in the rain. Evan wasn’t complaining about the laps- he’d much rather do that then try and play a team sport. However, it was raining. Well, more like a light sprinkle. 

It was his last period, having a spare during final period, so he was dreading the idea of having to walk home again in the rain. 

Luckily, by the end of the class the rain hadn’t picked up. Hopefully he could get home before it started to pour- if it did. 

Evan got changed as quickly as he could once the class was dismissed, and made his way to his locker quickly. 

He looked through his bag again, trying to find the letter. He knew he put it in his bag, he could remember putting it in, tucked into his science notes, but it wasn’t there. Where was it? 

It didn’t matter really, it wasn’t like he was pouring his heart out at all. Most of his heart stayed out of the letter. Plus,  chances are someone would find it and throw it out anyways. No one knew who Evan Hansen was- or Connor Murphy. They were just the two nobodies in the sea of somebodies. 

He shut his locker and turned around on his heels, ready to leave. 

“Hi.” 

Evan jumped, before turning around. Zoe Murphy was cautiously walking towards him, as if he was roadkill and she didn’t know if he was dead or not. 

“Sorry did I scare you?” she asked with a small chuckle. She looked better than she did this morning, and she was smiling now, if just a bit. 

“A uh, a little bit,” he said, laughing awkwardly. 

“Sorry,” Zoe said. “You’re Evan right? Evan... Hansar?” 

“It’s- It’s Hansen, but yeah, yeah I’m Evan,” he said, nodding. 

“I’m Connor’s sister a-” 

“Oh I know. N-not that I know in like… a weird way. I just know because, you uh, you introduce yourself to me, back in… back in september? And I just remember weird… things… like that,” Evan spoke over her. She smiled again, maybe blushed? Evan didn’t know why she blushed. Second hand embarrassment, maybe?

“Oh, I didn’t know you remembered that,” she replied. “Anyways uh… you two talk, right?” 

“A uh, little bit?” Evan replied. “We aren’t really on good terms though.” 

“I uh, figured,” she said. “My mom went through his phone and read the messages between you two. You’re legit his only contact besides family.” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah but, he ran away last weekend… And we found him that Friday… He’s not doing well at all- and I understand he can kind of be hard to hang around, but I think he could genuinely use you to talk to. You don’t have to by any means just, my mom is so worried and I know he was as excited as Connor Murphy could be when he made plans with you…” 

Evan stared at her in awe. What was Zoe talking about here? She was really pretty. Tyler from Jazz Band was lucky to have her. Wait- right. Connor. They were talking about Connor. 

“Sorry, I know i’m rambling. Just… Give me your number,” she said, taking her phone out of her pocket. “If you end up hanging out with Connor or something, and something comes up, message me okay? Like if he gets particularly violent or you’re really concerned. I hate to have you play spy for us but… We need help with him. I don’t want to force you, but if you really wanted to hang out with him like you said in your texts, please do. He wants it too… and so does my mom,” she finished with an awkward laugh. He nodded, handing her back her phone. 

“I’d love to help,” he replied with a small nod. “Is he okay? Where’d he, where’d he run off too? It wasn’t because of me, was it?” Everything was starting to finally process in his brain, now that Zoe was done talking. 

“I don’t think- it might have had something to do with you… but it was because of a lot of things. Connor isn’t really that stable of a person. He’s fine now, he was in the hospital from the Friday we found him until last thursday… He’s home now, feeling much better and back to school on Monday… He was passed out in a ditch… alcohol poisoning and I think he downed some pills? He was all beaten up, but he won’t tell us what happened. Maybe he’ll tell you the rest of the story? I gotta get to my next class… Thank you Evan, by the way. Thank you so much,” she said, her tone gradually going from scared to relieved and Evan smiled, because Evan did that. He thought so, anyways. 

“Of course, Zoe,” Evan said with a small nod. 

“Oh! And before I go, I think you left this in the computer lab? It says Dear Evan Hansen on it, and it sounded like a letter to yourself?” she said, handing the letter to Evan. 

Go figure. Of course Zoe Murphy found it. The time you talk about Zoe, Connor finds it, and then when you talk about Connor, Zoe finds it. At least she wasn’t as weirded out by it. 

“Y-yeah… it’s a stupid project, thing,” Evan said as he took it, before folding it up and sticking it in his pocket. 

“Connor did them for a while too. When he was in... grade ten I think? They really helped him for a bit,” she said with a small nod. “A-assuming you two were writing them for the same reasons, of course.” 

Evan hesitantly nodded. 

“Y-yeah my uh, therapist? She… suggested I uh, did them,” Evan admitted. 

“I read it. Sorry, I just saw Connor… That’s kind of why I asked you to help us out here. I know you don’t know him well, but you have a good heart… And I think you really care for him, in a non creepy way,” Zoe said. Evan went red. 

“Y-yeah… I’ll uh, see you around,” Evan said with a small nod. 

She thanked him again, before leaning in and giving Evan a side hug, before making her way down the hallway. 

Evan stared down in shock. That just happened! Wow. It wasn’t on a nice topic, but he actually talked to Zoe without making a fool of himself. And he knew what happened to Connor, which admittedly, he was more relieved about that then having talked to Zoe. 

Blushing, he turned towards the front doors and started his slow walk home in the lightly falling rain. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_ Just text Connor and say you’re sorry. I know you’re concerned about him at this point. You have no clue where he is, if he’s okay. Nothing. You two ended on a bad note, but I know you want to be his friend. You know he probably wants a friend too. Twice he wanted to hang out with you, sure once he ditched you but you ditched him the second time, so just consider it even, you know?  _

_ He’d be good for you. He’s more spontaneous, less held back, and a ticking time bomb, but maybe you could help fix that. Not in that “I am the fixer way” but in a way where maybe you two can help each other pick up habits each other has. Maybe you can help him be more calm, and he can help you get out of your shell.  _

_ It’s time to step into the sun. No more lonely walks in the pouring rain, with hours till you get dried off. I don’t want to keep rambling, but you need to get this into your head. I need to get this into my head.  _

_ Sincerely,  _

_ Me.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, I just didn't want to drag it on, so like this is the chapter. Short, but I update fast, so this should be fine till tomorrow. Pfffffft


	5. Chapter Five

**[6:03 PM] To Connor:**

_ I’m sorry.  _

 

**[6:04 PM] From Connor:**

_ you’re about two and a half weeks late for that you know _

 

**[6:04 PM] To Connor:**

_ I’m still sorry. I did want to do something with you. I really did but, I got nervous?  _

 

**[6:04 PM] To Connor:**

_ I know that doesn't justify anything. Do you think you’d be willing to maybe reverse and do something tonight? Well, I guess it’s late now but tomorrow?  _

 

**[6:05 PM] From Connor:**

_ Reverse? _

 

**[6:05 PM] To Connor:**

_ Restart.  _

 

**[6:05 PM] From Connor:**

_ Restart?  _

 

**[6:06 PM] To Connor:**

_ I meant restart, Reverse was a typo.  _

 

**[6:06 PM] From Connor:**

_ Oh _

 

**[6:08 PM] From Connor:**

_ And you don’t want to just start actually hanging out with me because I stopped coming to school? Did Zoe set you up to this?  _

 

**[6:09 PM] To Connor:**

_ No, not at all! I really wanted to talk to you. I just didn’t think that I was allowed to start a conversation with you since we didn’t really have the best last conversation. Zoe did tell me you were okay though. So I thought I could talk to you again? We didn’t really talk much in the first place, but I want to.  _

 

**[6:10 PM] From Connor:**

_ Wow. Even in texts you like to ramble.  _

 

**[6:10 PM] From Connor:**

_ I’m not back at school for a week but I’ll pick you up tomorrow after school I’ve got an idea of what we can do. You like trees right? _

**[6:11 PM] To Connor:**

_ Like- tree trees?  _

 

**[6:11 PM] From Connor:**

_ Nooooooooo. I mean dicks _

 

**[6:11 PM] From Connor:**

_ Yes I mean trees, like forests and shit _

 

**[6:12 PM] To Connor:**

_ Yes I like trees. They’re interesting? Fun to climb.  _

 

**[6:12 PM] From Connor:**

_ Yeah and to fall out of apparently  _

 

**[6:12 PM] To Connor:**

_ Accident. _

 

**[6:13 PM] From Connor:**

_ Yeah accident. They’re all accidents if nothing works  _

 

**[6:13 PM] To Connor:**

_ What? _

 

**[6:15 PM] From Connor:**

_ Nothing. Just a joke. I'll pick you up tomorrow.  _

 

Evan set his phone on the counter, before filling a glass up with water. He drank it, filled it up again and made his way to the living room. He was hungry, but he didn’t want to order anything, and their pantry was pretty limited. He had canned soup. He could make canned soup, or he could watch the news. The news was always a fun choice. 

It was great watching all the crappy stuff in the world play out- war, inequality, oh- three people were murdered last night. Fires roaring, destroying towns. 

Maybe that soup sounded like a good idea after all. He flicked off the TV and went back into the kitchen, picking his phone up again to check it, as if something new popped up in five minutes. 

He followed the instructions for the tomato soup carefully, double checking it. He hated when he made his soup too watery or too thick. In fact, he wasn’t that big of a soup fan, but making soup was better than trying to order pizza, which he probably wouldn’t finish, and it was probably not healthy to eat pizza as often as he did. 

His phone chimed, before Jared’s specific text message went off. He didn’t pay much attention to it though, Jared could wait. Another text from Jared, his weird video game chime he set his text tone to filled the kitchen. 

Still, he finished making his soup before dishing it into a bowl he quickly cleaned from the sink. He had used it for cereal this morning, and had yet to clean the dishes this week. 

He took his soup to the table and finally opened up his phone.

**[6:54 PM] From Jared:**

_ Yo  _

**[6:56 PM] From Jared:**

_ Did you do that science project? I need someone to copy off of, and thought maybe in exchange for coming over with pizza, I could copy yours?  _

**[7:10 PM] To Jared:**

_ No thanks. Having soup.  _

**[7:13 PM] From Jared:**

_ God you’re lame. Your loss.  _

Evan rolled his eyes before looking at what the other message had been. He assumed it to be his mom, but it wasn’t. He was confused at first, but that let up as he read it. 

**[6:40 PM] From** **_unknown number:_ **

_ Hey Evan, it’s Zoe. Thank you so much again. Have you talked to him yet? He hasn’t left his room all day yet. He’s fine though of course! We’ve been checking on him, well my mom has anyways. _

Evan put Zoe’s contact in his phone, contemplating to put her name as something else besides just her name, but he couldn’t think of anything else. Besides, he never liked having nicknames in his contacts. 

**[7:16 PM] To Zoe:**

_ I talked to him just now actually. I think we’re doing something tomorrow actually? I don’t know what but he asked me if I liked trees, which I thought was really weird.  _

**[7:17 PM] From Zoe:**

_ Sounds fun! Hopefully mom will let him leave. I’ll convince her to let him if she doesn’t right away. See you tomorrow!  _

Did you eat or drink soup? It was just liquid. Warm tomato juice, with some sort of extra spices into it to make it taste just a bit better. It still wasn’t very good, but he wouldn’t drink it cold. Maybe it was a mixture of the two? Evan furrowed his eyebrows as he looked down at his soup. 

Maybe you drank soup that was just liquid, but if soup had noodles or meat or vegetables, you ate it. That just seemed weird drinking soup from a spoon then, but drinking it out of a cup was even weirder. 

He pushed the soup away from himself. Suddenly, he didn’t really want to eat- drink? Slurp? - that soup anymore. Evan stayed away from things that confused him, friendships, algebra, Alana Beck, and now soup apparently. 

He glanced at the soup again. Yes. Soup was offically added to the stay away from list. 

The next day at lunch, Evan sat in the library with Jared. He caved and let Jared copy his notes, as long as he changed the phrasing enough that it sounded like Jared. Evan didn’t want to get in trouble for letting Jared copying again. That happened too often for Evan’s liking. Once was too much for Evan’s liking. 

“Do you think I should cancel again? I just- I don’t want to make a uh, fool of myself you know? Like… It would be so, so mean? But like? I don’t know…” Evan rambled. Jared glanced up from the notes and shrugged. 

“I wouldn’t trust anyone with that length of hair, and who just… acts like Connor. He’s probably going to kill you,” Jared replied simply. Evan wiped his hands on his pants. 

“D-don’t say that. I doubt he’d uh, do that,” Evan said, opening his book to read it again, but quickly closed it again. 

“What if it turns out he hates me? Like, how would I be able, be able to live with myself? I-if this was all just an elaborate  _ joke  _ be-between the him and Zoe…  _ What if it is?  _ Jared, my god Jared, this could- this could just be some plan to e-ex _ pose  _ me…” 

He put his book down on the table and looked over at Jared, who was still looking at the notes. Jared sighed, pushing his glasses up on his face and shook his head. 

“Evan you’re reading too much into this. Just go, maybe you can give Connor a haircut while you’re at it,” Jared said. 

“Would you  _ please  _ stop making comments on his, on his hair? It’s not funny… I-it was never funny,” Evan said, picking at the sleeve of his hoodie. 

“Alright well maybe you’ll  _ magically  _ turn Connor Murphy into a nicer person.” Jared said. “Hey- what does this say?” 

“Oh! Uh, that’s the heat equation? For… calculating… heat.” 

Jared rolled his eyes. 

“ _ Very descriptive _ ,” Jared said sarcastically as he copied the equation. Evan shrugged. 

He picked his book up and continued reading in a peaceful silence, with Jared scratched away with that pencil onto his lined paper. Until Evan’s phone buzzed. 

“Who are you texting?” Jared asked. Evan shrugged and felt his cheeks heat up a bit. 

“Zoe,” he said casually, leaning back into the worn down leather sofa in the library’s furthest corner. 

“Wait… You’re still into her? I thought you were over it after Kyle got with her?” Jared asked. 

“Kyle? I, I thought it was Tyler?” Evan said. 

“Nope. It’s Kyle,” Jared said a matter o’ factly. Evan made a small  _ oh.  _

“No. I don’t really like Zoe… as much as I did. She’s just making sure I’m still, I’m still uh, doing something with Connor,” Evan said with a small nod, before putting his phone in his pocket again. 

“Wait…” Jared said, setting everything down on the table. “Don’t tell me-”

“D-don’t tell you what? What?” 

Jared laughed. 

“You’re making friends with Connor to get closer to Zoe, aren’t you? You’re making your way up the Murphy food chain,” Jared laughed, a smug smile on  his face, as if he cracked the code to the universe, and he wasn’t going to tell anyone. 

“N-no! God no… That… That is  _ not  _ the case Jared! Connor is… a decent guy. Y’know? Like… I really want to hang out- be Connor’s friend… Or… acquaintances? I don’t, I don’t know… I just… The point is- the point is… The point  _ is  _ that I’m n-not pursuing Zoe. I’m trying to make a friend… And, and, and Zoe just happened to be part uh, part of the situation,” Evan rambled, glancing around the library. 

Jared looked at him, almost unconvinced. He rolled his eyes and slumped back in his chair, thankfully giving up. 

“Whatever you say Hansen,” Jared shrugged. 

The bell rang shortly after, thankfully. Evan didn’t know how much he could handle of this conversation if it continued to drag on. He packed up his things, including his homework which Jared only half completed. Jared grumbled about missing half the stuff, and that he wouldn’t be able to get a good grade, but Evan had already said his goodbyes and was making his way to his next class. 

The day went by a lot quicker than Evan thought it would, and soon he was standing in front of the school, trying to find Connor’s car in the parking lot. Did Connor know he had a spare and got out early? He didn’t. 

Did he call Connor? Text him? He could wait. Yes. He could wait. If he texted Connor, he’d back down. 

He wiped his hands on his pants and pulled out his phone, leaning against the stairs while he waited. It was only another… ninety minutes. He could wait ninety minutes. 

He worked on some homework, as much as he could with what he brought from his locker to outside. Some random math problems, a small worksheet. 

He packed up and checked the time. 

Seventy minutes. 

He should message Connor. 

 

**[2:39 PM] To Connor:**

_ I guess I should have let you know I had I spare last block, so I’m finished early, shouldn’t have I? _

**[2:41 PM] From Connor:**

_ Probably. I’m on my way now, fifteen minutes.  _

_ Maybe you could just stay home? You don’t want to hang out with me anyways, right? I’m not going to lie Connor Murphy, you kind of scare me- but who do you not? I hate to buy into the stereotypes, but the loud, often violent pot smoker is usually someone you say away from. Not that I want to stay away from you… You just. Scare me. You know? I know this isn’t the first time you’ve heard this. You probably don’t want to hear this again.  _

There was a honk, and Evan looked up. Connor was waiting right in front of him, his car still running. He hesitated. He couldn’t back out now. 

Evan picked up his bag and walked towards the car, getting into the passenger seat and putting his bag on the back seat floor. He picked at a hangnail before buckling up, and then looking over at Connor. 

“Hi,” Connor said. 

“Wow uh… you look… horrible,” Evan blurted out, before covering his mouth. “S-sorry… I meant uh, you just… look… What uh, what happened?” Evan asked. Connor just laughed. 

“Long story,” Connor said. “What do you want to do?” 

Evan stared at the other. He looked tired, but he always looked tired. He had a bruise on his chin though, mostly a faded green now. It was probably a lot worse two weeks ago. There was one under his left eye as well, again not as bad. 

“Evan?”

“Oh! I uh, I thought you had… you had plans?” Evan asked. Connor shrugged. 

“Not really… Just uh, whatever you want,” Connor said, finally pulling the car out of the parking lot. Evan licked his lips, and looked out the window. 

“You’re asking the wrong person about uh, what they liked, you know?” Evan pointed out. “I’ve never… had  _ anyone  _ to talk with, or uh, hang out with… I don’t  _ know  _ what I uh, like to uh, do,” Evan continued. Connor made eye contact for a brief moment. 

“Well… aren’t we an odd couple,” Connor laughed. Evan laughed as well. 

“I know a place,” Connor said, taking a turn down a new road. 

“It’s kind of far from here, but it’s nice… and quiet,” Connor pointed out. Evan nodded. That would do. Evan didn’t know what it was, but whatever it was, he was sure it was fine. 

“What is it?” Evan asked. 

“It’s uh… There’s this abandoned orchard park… attraction thing? That’s been shut down for a while now… There’s a bunch of the attractions still there… It’s all empty but there’s this barn with hay stacked in piles… It’s great,” Connor said. 

“Sounds illegal,” Evan laughed. 

“There’s no no trespassing signs,” Connor replied. “We won’t get caught anyways.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Wow, here's chapter five. So, like. I have no clue where I'm going with this. I say I do, but I don't. So, updates are probably going to start slowing down? 
> 
> Also, yes, the next chapter is the mandatory For Forever scene that every DEH story has, but I'm kind of changing the orchard into what I originally thought it was? So like, there's that heads up. If you needed that heads up.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay- so this is the typical for forever chapter, but I put my own twist to it? So I hope you enjoy the twist I put on it? Sort of?? I guess???

 

“It’s still, it’s still closed property though, isn’t it? We could still get caught?” Evan asked. Connor shrugged. 

“You need to stop worrying, I wouldn’t take you somewhere you’d get in trouble for. The last thing I need is for you to get a panic attack,” Connor said. Evan looked out the window, not really sure how to reply to that. Was it an insult? Was he joking? Did he know Evan sometimes had panic attacks? 

“It was a joke, Evan,” Connor said. Evan looked over to him and nodded. 

“Y-yeah I uh, I know that,” Evan replied with a small nod. 

“You know, I know having a stutter must suck, but my god it helps you a lot with lying,” Connor said. Evan raised an eyebrow. 

“I’m… I’m sorry?” Evan asked, a confused chuckle escaping. 

Connor shrugged, relaxing back into his seat as he turned onto the highway, one hand now resting on the side of his door instead of both being on the wheel. 

“Well you know…” Connor trailed off, looking over to Evan who was still perplexed. “Most people stutter when they lie, but you just stutter all the time and you always sound nervous and like you’re lying. So, no one really knows when you’re lying,” Connor said, a small half smile forming on his lips. 

Evan furrowed his eyebrows and looked out the window for a brief moment, before back ahead of him. 

“Oh,” Evan said bluntly. “I uh… I don’t… normally lie? I’m uh, too anxious to do that… I guess,” he said, trying to joke, but it just came out sad, lacking any real humourous emotions. Connor chuckled and turned off down a gravel road, framed with large trees, most of them already having turned shades of yellow and orange. There was no one else really around. 

Connor drove past what would’ve been the parking lot, the entrance now barred off with a chain link fence, and down another, slightly more narrow opening. He parked the car off the road, in a little nook among all the trees. There was a small shack behind them with the words “Employees Only”, which was kind of rusted over now. 

“Follow me,” Connor said, nodding in the direction of the utility shack. 

Evan followed, a bit behind and taking more caution walking. Connor knew the path, clearly. Evan did not. It wasn’t a crazily destroyed path, fairly simple actually, not all that many trees but- 

“Connor?” Evan called out, looking around. He took his sight off of Connor for a split second and he was gone. 

Connor peaked through a hole in the tall, wooden fence dividing the world from the orchard. 

“You coming?” he asked. Evan glanced around before slipping through the hole, which was a lot smaller than it looked. If his shorter figure struggled to get through it, he didn’t know how Connor, who was much taller than Evan, could get through so quickly and quietly.  

“This is… weird,” Evan said, looking around. They were standing beside an old merry go round, decorated with rusting apples, and with half the horses missing from the thing. Evan bit his lip and looked around. There was graffiti in the middle pillar of the thing, but other than that, it was mostly untouched. 

“It was weird the first time I came after it was shut down, it was empty,” Connor said, jumping up on the merry go rounds platform, swinging around one of the smaller poles. 

“We used to come here all the time man,” Connor sighed, sitting down on the edge of the merry go round. “Not going to lie, it was my favourite place. We used to come here all the time…” He got up and started walking towards a path. “There was this wonderful little ice cream shop, god if I could remember the name… I think it’s relocated since this place closed though.” 

Evan followed the other, looking around. He never did come to this place when it was open. Even then though, it was kind of surreal. He could see people coming here for the afternoon, having a grand time. 

“The front was always this really like, attraction based stuff… There used to be like apple bobbing, and apple pie making shit in a wood fire oven,” Connor laughed. “Then uh, god this one time my sister and I we uh, we were making dried apple head dolls or something and a bird got into the barn somehow and stole her apple and dropped it over the volunteers head,” he said, turning around and walking backwards down the path. 

“We uh, both laughed and she was given another one. We made each other out of the dolls,” he said, slowing down his walking. He paused for a moment, stopping walking and looking past Evan, back down the path. 

He frowned, before looking around. 

“Are you uh, okay?” Evan asked, taking a step closer to Connor. 

“Yeah! Of course I am,” Connor shrugged, turning on his heels. He muttered something Evan didn’t catch, but he didn’t feel like it was his place to ask Connor what he was saying. 

“But yeah… this place was fucking  _ amazing  _ in it’s day… The orchard towards the back was my favourite place, most the trees are either dead or chopped down now though. Some of them are still there, and there’s still a bunch of oaks and shit- whatever kind of trees are growing,” He said, bouncing back into reminiscing, as if nothing had just happened. 

Connor lead Evan through the path and into the field he was talking about. There were trees scattered around but most of it was just open field, with tree stumps still lazing around. In the distance, there was one other barn, much like the ones he saw towards the front. 

A soft breeze blew, cooling down the already cool air. Evan put his hands in his sweaters’ pockets and looked around. 

“Follow me,” Connor said, nodding towards the barn. Connor walked past the overgrown grass, stepping over and around the tree stumps. He was humming something softly, maybe without realizing it, or trying to hide it from Evan. 

Connor knocked on the barn door several times, before sliding it open and going inside. 

“What was that… What was that for?” Evan asked. The barn was filled with hay, all of it stacked up in giant cubes, towering up to the second loft of the barn as well as the ceiling. 

Connor started scaling the hay, making his way up to the top like a spider. 

“Wanted to make sure no one else was here,” Connor called out as he got to the top. He dug around up there for a moment, before coming back down the floor again. 

“Do uh, other people tend to, tend to come here?” Evan asked, sitting down on the hay next to where Connor was, already settled, leaning against a higher part of the stack. 

Connor shrugged, pulling out a small box, which Evan assumed was what Connor grabbed from the top. He opened it and pulled out what looked like a rolled joint- maybe? Evan bit his lip and scooted away a little bit, crossing his legs over each other as Connor lit it. 

“Will you… will you uh, be able to drive after smoking that?” Evan asked. Connor took the thing away from his mouth. “I uh, nothing against you, you smoking that… It’s just… I can’t uh, I don’t know how to drive? A-and it’s probably not, not safe? For you to… drive…” he rambled. 

“It’s medical marijuana,” Connor said with a small shrug. “It’s like, not as strong as street drugs. I’ll be fine with just one.” 

There was a pause. Evan looked around awkwardly. 

“Shit- I guess I never asked you if it was okay for me to just smoke one of these, did I?” Connor laughed. Evan shook his head slowly. 

“Y-you can… you can though. I mean, you lit it… so you can… I don’t- I really don’t mind,” Evan replied. 

“Do you uh, want one?” Connor asked, holding out the box. 

Again, Evan shook his head. Connor just shrugged and put the box in his pocket. 

“So tell me Evan Hansen… What do you do for fun?” Connor asked. Evan shifted around in the hay, trying to get comfortable. 

“I read… a lot I guess,” Evan said. “I’m uh, not the most interesting person?” He laughed. Connor breathed through his nose sharply, smiling softly. 

“That’s kind of lame,” Connor said. 

“Do you do anything other, other than smoke drugs a-and… skip class?” Evan asked. His eyes widened and added, “I-I-I didn’t mean that in a uh, in a rude way. I just- y’know…” 

Connor nodded. 

“Don’t worry about it Hansen,” Connor said. “I mean, you’re pretty much bang on right there- but I don’t smoke ‘drugs’ just pot.” Connor laughed again. “I like video games though- mostly shooter games. Gets the anger out, you know?” 

“O-oh,” Evan squeaked, continuing to look around. The barn was starting to smell more and more like Connor’s pot, but it looked like Connor was close to being done with it anyways. 

“Can you get… Can you get high off of uh, off of the uh, f-fumes?” Evan asked. 

“Probably not,” Connor replied. 

Silence spread over the two quickly after that. Evan avoided Connor’s gaze mostly, taking in the barn, even though he already had done that. Several times now. Talking was hard. Really hard. He glanced over at Connor, who was staring right back at him. They both looked away. 

Connor stood up, stepping up on the next set of hay squares. 

“Can you climb haystacks as well as you do trees?” Connor asked, climbing up another set. Evan stood up and walked over, getting on top of the next set. 

“Actually, maybe don’t if you’re going to fall and break your arm again,” Connor laughed, Evan joined in with it, shaking his head lightly. 

“That was a uh, one off thing,” Evan replied sheepishly, scaling the hay with Connor until they were up to the top. Connor walked back over to his corner on the landing, stashing the box away before wandering around, making his way to a small window in the front of the barn. Evan joined, leaning on the ledge of it, looking out over the orchard. 

It was so open, even though the entire thing was framed with trees and the stumps scattered everywhere. The sky seemed so inviting and clear and he could feel the breeze through the barn window. 

He closed his eyes and sighed, taking in the air. The stuff up here was less pot infused, which was wonderful. 

Connor chuckled, and Evan opened his eyes, looking over to Connor. 

“What?” Evan asked. Connor shrugged. 

“Nothing… I just… that’s like, the first time I think I’ve seen you look completely calm,” Connor said. 

“I uh, I guess so? I… I’m not really a uh, calm person, you know? But uh, nature is nice… and uh, so is heights actually, y’know? I-ironically since I almost  _ died  _ last time I was uh, I was this high up,” Evan rambled. Connor raised an eyebrow, looking kind of concerned but Evan didn’t notice it at all. 

“You just ruined the completely tranquil moment,” Connor pointed out. 

“Oh- sorry,” Evan said quickly. 

Connor shrugged, putting a hand on Evan shoulder. Evan tensed up for a second but quickly relaxed. 

“Not that big of a deal,” Connor said. 

They made their way back down the bottom of the barn and returned to just sitting around and talking about nothing in particular. It was mostly Connor carrying the conversation, at one point going on an elaborate rant about his parents, and then accidentally blurting out how he wasn’t actually supposed to have left his house today. 

_ “And my god! They don’t let me have a life, you know? Like… sure… I get into trouble and shit but still. Even though I said- and showed them our texts- that I was actually going to go hang out with someone other than my drug dealer, they still wanted me to stay home. Luckily you know, I know where they keep my keys whenever I’m not allowed to actually use it.” _

Naturally Evan panicked for a hot second, not wanting the reason that Connor got in trouble, but Connor brushed it off, talking about how he really didn’t care.  Besides, he was apparently actually enjoying himself now. Evan guessed that most of this rambling was possibly because he was high- Evan really didn’t know how that worked though. Didn’t high people get hungry? How high  _ was  _ Connor? 

Connor yawned at one point, stretching out over the hay and staring at the ceiling. Evan was still sitting, his legs stretched out but his back leaning against more of the hay. 

“I wish this place was still running, you know? It would have been  _ awesome  _ to come here with you,” Connor said. There was a pause. “Not in a weird way, you know? Like, just as friends,” he added. Evan made a small sound of agreement. 

“It seems like it… would have been a uh, really cool place,” Evan commented. Connor made his own sound of agreement. 

“What time is it?” Connor asked. 

Evan frowned as he pulled out his phone. He had a message from his mom. He bit his lip and opened his phone. 

“It’s uh, five thirty six,” Evan said as he opened the text app. 

 

**[4:56 PM] From Mom:**

_ Hey honey, I have to work late again tonight. Remember to eat something! See you in the morning.  _

 

Evan sighed and put his phone away again. He saw that one coming, but that was okay, since he wasn’t just sitting around, lonely, alone, at home. 

Connor hummed softly, sighed and sat up again. 

“We should probably get going now,” he commented. Evan nodded, hopping off of the hay. 

The two started walking back towards the car, mostly in silence, but it was nice. Connor was humming that same tune again, and it sounded familiar but he just couldn’t place it. 

Evan crawled through the hole in the fence, with Connor following shortly behind. They walked back to Connor’s car, which was completely untouched- but why would it not be? Connor unlocked the car and opened the door, but Evan hesitantly stopped him from getting in. 

“Connor- you’re uh, still covered in straw,” Evan pointed out. Connor turned and looked at his back before looking back to Evan. 

“Brush me off? You’re probably covered too,” Connor said. Evan nodded, before brushing off what he could without getting too close to Connor’s lower back. This was weird. It felt weird anyways. Connor chuckled before doing the same, a lot quicker than Evan managed to do. 

“You uh, have some uh…” Evan trailed off before picking out a large piece of straw from Connor’s hair, tossing it to the ground. Connor smiled, which Evan half returned. 

“Thanks, now get in the car,” Connor said, nodding towards the car once more. 


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I am super nervous to publish this chapter? Also like for upcoming chapters I am nervous as HECK

Evan found himself humming that same tune that Connor hummed all throughout the Friday before. It was Monday now, and he was pretty sure Connor was back to actually showing up, at least from what Zoe had said. He was wandering through the halls, making his way to his locker. He still had another ten minutes before classes started, and his first period class was still locked, so he had nowhere else to be but standing at his locker. 

He opened his locker, putting his things back on the top shelf before huffing out air. 

“So, how’d your weird tree date go with Murphy?” Jared asked, probably leaning on the locket next to him, concealed by his open locker door. Evan rolled his eyes before shut the locker door. 

“It wasn’t… it wasn’t a date, J-Jared,” Evan replied, hugging his arms around his chest. “We just uh, hung out, you know?” Evan said with a small shrug. 

“Ah yes, just ‘hung out’” Jared replied, putting quotation marks around the hung out part. 

“I’m uh, not gay,” Evan pointed out. “C-Connor… probably isn’t either and I uh, still like Zoe,” he added. Jared just laughed. 

“You’re more likely to get a dead mouse to agree to go out with you, you know,” Jared pointed out. 

“I’m aware,” Evan said, deciding to grab his things from his locker once again. 

“Anyways, what did you two do anyways? Did you hang out in an alley, get high and then talk about Connor’s plans to destroy the world?” Jared joked. 

“We just… hung out? Went on a uh, walk and stuff? Connor uh, got high a bit but like, I didn’t,” Evan responded. 

Zoe was standing just down the hall with Kyle, just talking. Connor passed them, stopping for a minute before Zoe pushed his away. He shook his head and continued walking towards Evan and Jared again. 

“Earth to Evan,” Jared said, snapping his fingers in front of Evan’s face. 

“S-sorry,” Evan replied. 

“I asked if he-” 

“Hey Evan,” Connor said, standing idly beside the two. 

“Oh uh, hi Connor,” Evan said, his cheeks flushing a bit. 

“Oh my god,” Jared laughed, rolling his eyes. “I’ll leave you two love birds alone I guess,” he said, before walking off in the direction he came. 

“Fuck you Kleinman!” Connor called out, to which Jared stuck up his middle fingers, before turning the corner. 

Evan bit his lip and sunk back against his locker. 

“You uh, know he was only uh, joking, right?” Evan asked, looking between Connor and the corner which Jared turned around. 

“Of course I do,” Connor scoffed. “Kleinman has always been an asshole.” 

Evan nodded as the bell rang. He locked his locker up, before turning to Connor. 

“Uh, I usually eat lunch in the computer lab, lab if you want… to uh, join?” Evan said. 

“Which one?”

“Oh! Uh, three b I think? Y-yeah… that one. Mr Ross trusts me? H-he usually locks the uh, door so no one else can get in?” Evan said. Connor nodded. 

“I’ll see you there then,” Connor said. 

“See you,” Evan said with a small nod, before he went to turn to start walking. But- Connor started walking in that direction, so he didn’t want to follow. He had already said goodbye- so that would just be weird. God what did he do?

Well, Connor was far enough ahead now that he could go that direction too and it wouldn’t be as awkward now. 

With a small sigh, Evan walked towards his next class, smiling awkwardly as Connor noticed him trailing behind, before ducking into his first class. 

 

Come lunchtime, Evan was already sitting in the computer lab, typing out an english essay. Mr Ross was getting ready to leave for his lunch break, just shutting down his computer and gathering a few of his things. 

“Remember Evan, don’t let anyone else in here,” Mr Ross reminded him. Evan just simply nodded, before turning back to his work. “And uh, try not to get too many crumbs on the keyboard.”

“Oh yeah- of course Mr Ross,” Evan replied, pushing his bagged lunch further from him.  

“The doors locked, so just turn off the light when you leave.” 

Evan knew the drill- he ate in here every day pretty much. Yet Mr Ross still thought that it was necessary to remind him of everything every day. Of course, it wasn’t that big of a deal, so he never spoke out about it. 

As Mr Ross left, Connor slipped in, giving a small wave to Evan, probably to show Mr Ross that he was looking for Evan. 

Evan smiled at Connor before turning back to his essay, typing away slowly. Connor sat down beside him, kicking his feet up on the desk. A sudden pot smell filled the air and Evan sighed. 

“I uh, don’t know if you should do that- you know?” Evan said. Connor raised an eyebrow before taking his feet back down. 

Connor leaned over and looked at Evan’s screen, before looking back to Evan with his eyebrows raised, leaning back in his seat. 

“So you spend your lunch doing homework?” Connor asked. 

“Well, usually yeah,” Evan replied. “Sometimes I uh, play this weird online game with Jared? He plays it a lot, so whenever he uh, joins me we play that,” Evan continued. 

Connor smirked and quirked an eyebrow up. 

“That sounds kind of lame,” he said. 

“Yeah well uh, it’s better than hanging around in the cafeteria?” Evan said with a small shrug, before closing off the tab he had his essay open, since he figured that he wasn’t going to get much down during lunch today. 

“You’re not wrong… I usually just sit in my car for the period- or go get some tea or some shit so I’m not one really to talk,” Connor said, before spinning around in the chair, tucking his feet up on the edge of it. 

“I didn’t peg you as a tea drinker,” Evan said. 

“Oh yeah- you should see our pantry at home, there’s a shelf designated to tea. My entire family drinks it actually,” Connor replied, before stopping the chair suddenly, recovering from the sudden wave of dizziness. He blinked a couple times, before licking his lips. That was Evan noticed his slightly bloodshot eyes. 

“Hey Connor, are you uh, high?” Evan asked. 

“What? Now you’re going to get on my back about this?” Connor snapped. Evan flinched back. 

“No I just-” 

“Fuck! Yes, I’m high, because I like getting high! And that is none of your fucking business,” Connor continued, standing up abruptly. 

“Connor-” 

“And I don’t need to hear about how it’s not good, how I need to focus on my studies and being high won’t help it-” 

“C-Connor please…” Evan said softly. 

“- because chances are anyways I won’t be doing  _ anything  _ after high-”

“Connor I really don’t- I don’t care!” Evan shouted, desperate just to get Connor to shut up. They both stared at each other in shock. 

“Did you just yell at me?” Connor asked. 

“I uh, I did? I just- I’m really sorry… I just… I don’t care? A-and you weren’t listening, so I had to yell and I uh, I’m really sorry for that?” Evan said quickly. Connor shook his head before sitting down again, 

“It’s fine Evan…” Connor trailed off. “I just-”

“You don’t have to justify… getting uh, high, you know?” Evan said, sinking into his chair. Connor frowned. 

“I’m aware,” he said. “I just- wish the world was more like you,” Connor said with a small shrug. Evan gave a small half smile and shrugged. He really didn’t know what to do right now. He was kind of scared to say anything- that Connor would just snap at him again if he mentioned literally anything. 

“Stop looking at me like that!” Connor suddenly said. He wasn’t  _ mad  _ but he definitely wasn’t happy.  

“L-like what?” Evan asked. 

“Like…  _ that _ . Like I just murdered your best friend or- or like I’m holding a gun to your face!” Connor said. Evan bit his lip and shook his head, before opening his mouth to speak. Nothing was coming out. 

Connor shook his head and looked away. 

“I just fucked everything up, didn’t I?” Connor asked. “God Zoe was right. I can’t be nice to any fucking person without scaring them off a day later.” 

“I’m not… I’m not scared of you?” Evan said hesitantly. 

Connor scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

“Well I uh, I am… right now… but you haven’t uh, scared me off at all,” Evan said. “I really like you Connor- you’re really cool to hang out with- a-and I’ll still hang out, hang out with you I just… right now…” 

“Right now I’m scaring the shit out of you?” Connor laughed, to which Evan nodded quickly. There was a brief minute of silence. 

“Do you want me to leave?” Connor asked. 

“No, stay. You can stay just I uh, we should maybe… work on how  _ not  _ to get so angry… so easily?” Evan suggested hesitantly, bracing himself for another cord snapping in Connor’s brain, but nothing happened. 

“Like… you help me deal with my anger issues? You’re hearing yourself right now, right?” Connor laughed. “You, an anxious mess, wants to help me, an  _ angry  _ anxious mess deal with being angry all the time.” 

Evan laughed awkwardly and shrugged. 

“Well you know, we could do some research on stuff like that… Whenever I get mad I just try to take deep breaths and uh, go on walks? I-it’s not good bottling it up, but you probably shouldn’t snap at the people trying to help you,” Evan said. Connor smirked and raised an eyebrow. 

“Take deep breaths and go on walks? Geez that sounds like something you’d do,” Connor laughed. Evan shrugged. 

“It really helps,” Evan pointed out. Connor hesitated before nodding. 

“I could try that, I guess,” he agreed. Evan smiled. 

“Hey so uh… what happened when you ran off… and ended up in the hospital? Like- you don’t have to tell me anything, I know we’ve been friends for like- six days,” Evan said. 

Connor bit his lip and glanced around, before leaning back into his seat. 

“I uh… got really drunk at this bar that doesn’t card? I uh, know a guy who works there… And I went home with him… stayed with him for a bit- until like thursday I think- and then uh, we got into a bit of a… fight… and I was like, super drunk and so I stormed out, piss drunk, then chewed a bunch of prescription pills I stole from the fucker,” Connor said casually, as if he was telling Evan about what he ate for breakfast. 

“It’s… honestly not a big deal Evan,” Connor said. “I don’t do things like that all that often.”  

“But did you uh, want to… end your life doing that?” Evan asked hesitantly. 

“No- yes? I knew what would happen if I downed all those pills while sitting in that ditch- but I didn’t process it, at all,” Connor replied. 

“Do you still-”

“Jesus Evan!” Connor shouted, before quickly stopping himself. He took a second, before saying;

“Can we please change the subject?” 

Evan nodded. 

“Y-yeah sorry I just uh, I’m sorry,” Evan said, scratching the back of his head. 

“It’s fine just uh, tell me… about… anything,” Connor said. 

 

At the end of the day, or at the end of fourth period really, Evan found himself walking home, humming softly to himself. It was a beautiful day out- a little windy, but really nice. He smiled to himself as he turned down his road. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and after looking around briefly, he looked at the message. 

 

**[2:58 PM] From Zoe:**

_ Hey Evan, was Connor with you today during lunch? Or with you at all?  _

 

**[2:59 PM] To Zoe:**

_ Yeah he was, we were hanging out in the computer lab. We just kind of talked.  _

 

**[2:59 PM] From Zoe:**

_ Oh okay, I thought he was skipping again.  _

 

**[3:01 PM] To Zoe:**

_ How much do you know about what happened before you found Connor in the ditch?  _

Evan put his phone back in his pocket as he unlocked the door to his house, before setting his bag down on the ground beside the bed, before he sat down on the couch, turning on the television and just leaving it on the current channel, which was some home improvement show Evan didn’t know the name of. 

 

**[3:05 PM] From Zoe:**

_ Just that he ODed  _

 

**[3:05 PM] From Zoe:**

_ Why? Did he tell you something?  _

 

**[3:06 PM] To Zoe:**

_ Yeah.  _

 

**[3:06 PM] To Zoe:**

_ He told me that he didn’t intend on killing himself that night, and that he was really drunk and took the pills without processing what he was doing. Other than that, nothing really.  _

 

Evan really didn’t feel comfortable telling Zoe every detail about what Connor told him, especially because he didn’t know if that was the whole truth, and didn’t want to tell Zoe any of it. It was a secret Connor told him- well, whether or not it was a secret he didn’t know. 

 

**[3:10 PM] From Zoe:**

_ Yeah well, Connor does a lot of things without processing it.  _

 

**[3:10 PM] From Zoe:**

_ I’ll text you later, I’m still in class and Mrs Spooner is catching onto me texting.  _

 

Evan turned off his phone and sighed, before flicking through the channels, He sat criss crossed on the couch, looking through them all. 

 

**[4:08 PM] From Connor:**

_ I’m assuming you’re home already?  _

 

**[4:09 PM] To Connor:**

_ Yes I am  _

 

**[4:10 PM] From Connor:**

_ Do you want some burgers and ice cream? I could come over for a bit and bring it?  _

 

**[4:11 PM] To Connor:**

_ Sure that sounds great _

 

**[4:12 PM] From Connor:**

_ I’ll be over in fifteen minutes then. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my thank GOD that is over with. This isn't all that bad of a chapter, I know, but still. Just like- I didn't want anything to see ooc, but like all my characters in this story is almost always ooc so like. I don't know man.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there is a trigger warning for this chapter?
> 
> Yeah. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING?  
> Evan does have a small panic attack in this chapter, I don't know how drastic or accurate it is, but my knowledge of panic attacks span of what I have personally experienced, and most of mine are either really minor or really crazy to the point where I legit don't remember most of them so.

Connor was sprawled across the couch in his basement, scrolling through something on his phone while Evan stood by the bookshelf, skimming through the vast collection that Larry had apparently collected over the years. A lot of them were biographies- Evan noted. He hadn’t heard of most of the authors or the people the books were written about, but they looked really nice in the bookshelf together. He chuckled to himself, picturing Connor saying something like “ _ yeah that’s what my dad thought too. Why else would we have that damn thing down here? _ ” By the looks of it, these books weren’t touched all that often. 

Evan and Connor had been hanging out almost constantly all week, which was really different and weird for Evan, but he didn’t mind it. Connor was able to keep things interesting. The only complaint he had was the fact that he felt so emotionally drained after getting home, that even on the nights his mom was home, he just didn’t feel like talking at all. 

“So what are you doing tuesday night?” Connor asked, breaking the comfortable silence the two had been sitting in for the past twenty minutes. 

“Like uh, on halloween?” Evan asked, turning away from the bookshelf and sitting down on the end of the L shaped couch. 

“Yeah,” Connor said. He was still scrolling through his phone, eyes never leaving his phone. Evan shrugged, curling up into the corner of the couch. 

“I haven't actually thought about that,” Evan said with a small frown. “I might just stick a bowl of candy on the porch and uh, hide away in my room the entire night honestly.”

“Come over,” Connor suggested. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It’s not like it’ll be any different to any other night, right?” Connor said. Evan hesitated before nodding. 

“That could work then… I could probably put candy out and come over,” Evan said. 

“Good,” Connor said. “My parents won’t be home, they’ll be at some work Halloween party so it’ll just be us, and I think Zoe? Maybe her annoying ass boyfriend too.” 

Evan nodded, before paying attention to the show on the TV, before realizing that he really didn’t know what was going on. It was a show that Connor really liked- The X Files, Evan was pretty sure it was called. 

There was muffled yelling coming from upstairs, probably in the living room. It sounded like Zoe and Kyle. It had just started, but it was steadily getting louder and louder. Evan couldn’t make out much of whatever they were saying, and it didn’t look like Connor really cared, as he was still just scrolling through his phone. 

Evan heard a few phrases here and there, like Zoe saying “ _ We’ve only been dating for like- a month!”  _ or “ _ My brother and his friend is right downstairs Kyle.”  _ Kyle said something about surprises, but that was when Evan decided to stop eavesdropping. 

Evan hummed softly as he picked at his fingernails. He wasn’t really interested in Connor’s show. It was too confusing for him, but that was likely do to the fact that Connor just picked whatever episode he was watching last instead of watching one that would help Evan understand it all. Connor put his phone down and smiled, chuckling softly which caught Evan’s attention. 

“What?” Evan asked. 

“Are you humming my song?” Connor asked. 

“ _ Your  _ song?” Evan said. 

“Well, not  _ my  _ song, but like, the one I’m always humming,” Connor said. Evan made a small ‘ _ oh’.  _

“What song is it?” Evan asked. Connor just shrugged, sitting up. 

“I honestly have no clue,” he laughed. “I just like the tune really. It’s off of one of my mom’s old records she used to play.” 

“Well that’s uh, going to bug me for the rest of my life now,” Evan laughed. Connor chuckled and shrugged. 

They both went silent again. The fighting was still going on upstairs. Connor seemed to take notice this time around though, because he sighed, shook his head and stood up. 

“I guess I should get up and go check on Zoe, make sure that asshat isn’t messing shit up with her,” Connor commented. Evan nodded. “When I get back we can play a video game or something.” 

Connor went upstairs, and a moment later his voice was joined in on the yelling. It silenced quickly after that though, and footsteps spread across the house. Connor was coming back downstairs now. 

He turned on his Wii, before putting in what looked like a Mario game. As he sat down, he handed Evan a remote. Evan offered a small smile as Connor set the game up, but Connor just looked pissed. 

“That guy I swear,” Connor scoffed. “You know they’ve only been dating for like, a month? Fucking Zoe got with him right after I atte- after I left to my Florida-” 

“My Florida?” Evan mused. 

“My uncle’s in Florida. But she started dating him and since I got home, I think they’ve had a fight at  _ least  _ once a week. God it’s ridiculous,” Connor scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I don’t even see the point in dating during high school. Or ever really- what’s the point? Chances are neither of you will love each other. And if you do, and get married, it fades eventually. All my parents really do together is go to cocktail parties and whatever else old rich people do,” Connor continued, his voice raising ever so slightly. 

“Connor, please calm- please calm down?” Evan asked. 

“I am calm Evan,” Connor replied, starting up the level in the game. 

“I just- it’s stupid, but she’s my sister- and I’m the one whos supposed to be getting into arguments the entire time, not her. I’m just talking nonsense now though… just, focus on the game?” Connor rambled, before pointing towards the game. 

Evan was not good at Mario. He knew that in advance, but playing the game with Connor now just proved his point. They were playing on the first world, yet Evan just kept dying. Connor was getting frustrated, he could tell, but Connor didn’t say anything. 

They mostly played in silence, with minimal commentary. At one point, there was a loud slam of a door, and Zoe screaming “fuck you”, but Connor had just shrugged it off before going back to focusing on the game. That was an hour ago now. Maybe. Evan wasn’t keeping track. 

Once the two had completed the first world, and was in the middle of the first level of the second world, Zoe came downstairs and sat down on the edge of the couch, on the short end of the L shaped couch. She, for the most part was avoiding both their gazes, but Evan knew she had probably been crying. 

“Zo, do you want to join us?” Connor asked, leaning forward to pick up the third remote from the coffee table. 

“Hmm?” Zoe said, finally looking away from the screen and over to Connor. She had definitely been crying. 

“Join the game, god knows we need another player since Evan isn’t doing much,” he joked. Evan was a bit offended, but it was true. Zoe hesitated, before nodding and taking the remote, adding her character to the game. 

Again, they were engulfed in silence, this time a bit more tense than when it was just Evan and Connor though. Several times, Evan glanced at Connor, who almost always made brief eye contact again before focusing in on the game. 

“Guys suck,” Zoe had randomly said when the three were trying to beat the first castle. 

“I am aware,” Connor replied. 

“Just- god teenagers think that relationships need to move so  _ fast  _ nowadays! You know mom and dad didn’t start officially dating until they had gone on three dates together? A-and they actually went on dates! God- I wonder what dates are actually like!” Zoe said bitterly. Connor rolled his eyes while Evan just curled deeper into the corner of the couch. 

“Zoe, you’re the one who first called him your boyfriend,” Connor pointed out. 

“That is besides the point Connor!” 

“You know I’m just trying to point out the hypocracity here right?” Connor asked. Zoe rolled her eyes.

“Yeah well you’re not the one who just broke up with their boyfriend,” Zoe snapped. Evan couldn’t really tell if they were legitimately fighting, or if it was more of a teasing thing. Regardless, Evan didn’t want to interfere. 

“Oh ho ho, you broke up with him after  _ six weeks? _ ” Connor said, and this time Evan was sure he had a playful tone to his voice. 

“You know uh, first relationships… never really last all that uh, all that long,”  Evan said, trying to add his two cents to the conversation, while simultaneously trying to calm both Connor and Zoe down. 

Both of the Murphy siblings laughed. 

“Thanks Evan, that’s good to know,” she said playfully before focusing back in on the game. 

“Hey don’t be sarcastic Zoe, Evan is the relationship  _ master _ , didn’t you know?” Connor teased. It was all playful, but Evan was suddenly regretting speaking up. Connor sighed softly and kicked the other lightly. 

“We’re just joking Ev,” Connor said. Evan furrowed his eyebrows. 

“Oh yeah I uh, I know,” he replied with a small nod. Evan in fact, did not know. 

Zoe looked between the two, eyebrows furrowed lightly. Evan found himself growing more and more uncomfortable with each passing moment- the siblings had since moved on from his comment. It felt tight in his chest, as if the words he had already spoken crawled back into his chest, just wanting to hide and stay there. 

But Evan knew they existed. 

_ You know uh, first relationships… never really last all that uh, all that long,  _

God! Why did Evan say that- the closest thing he had ever had to a relationship was that time in the second grade when this girl was dared to kiss him. He didn’t know anything about relationships! Zoe probably thought he was an idiot. Her weird idiot brother with the weird idiot friend. 

Connor wasn’t weird or an idiot though. Sure, he was a bit more on the unique side of personalities, but he wasn’t weird. Connor was pretty smart too, when he put his mind to it. But who was Evan to judge? He had only really been Connor’s friends for a little over a week. 

God- what if their friendship didn't last more than six weeks?  _ All first relationships didn’t last.  _ Friendships were a type of relationships- and this was Evan’s first real one. He didn’t like the idea of that. He actually enjoyed having someone other than Jared to talk to. 

Was he breathing? He felt light headed. Was the room suddenly warmer or was that just him? He was overheating. He needed air- but his feet weren’t moving. God he couldn’t breathe- he needed to  _ breathe.  _

“Evan are you okay?” 

No, weird, disoriented voice. Evan was not okay. The world was closing in on him. 

He needed to  _ breathe.  _

What was it again? 

In for four seconds, hold for seven, release for eight. Or was it hold for eight and release for seven? 

“Evan, you need to calm down.”

_ Yes. Yes I am trying. It’s not that easy.  _

“I-it’s not that easy,” he repeated. 

In four, hold seven, out eight. 

“Evan, just breathe properly- just what you’re doing right now. In a couple of minutes you’ll be fine.” 

That was Zoe talking now- Connor was talking earlier. 

He could see the tv, the coffee table with Connor’s tea mug on top idly, Zoe’s eyes were right in front of his, he could see a stack of video games and… he could see Connor sitting on the table, bouncing his leg nervously. 

Touch… he could feel the soft pleather of the couch… Zoe’s hand was resting on his knee, he could feel the sweat pooling in his hands and… his sweater was really soft. 

He could hear Connor’s foot bouncing on the floor, the paused Mario game music and Zoe talking- she was talking to Evan. He was calming down. 

He could smell Zoe’s perfume- it smells like vanilla and cinnamon, and… he could smell… something else. God he didn’t know. 

He could taste sandpaper- his mouth was dry and almost sand like. It was not pleasant. 

He took another minute to just focus on his breathing, before he closed his eyes and leaned back into the couch. 

“Are you doing better now?” Zoe asked. 

“Y-yeah I’m sorry I just, it happens sometimes? I-I’m fine now… I’ll just take a minute or two more to recover,” Evan said. He was becoming hyper aware of his surroundings once again. 

“You know… on second thought I might just go home now,” Evan said, standing up from the couch. Zoe moved away from Evan when he did so. Connor was quick to jump up with Evan. 

“I can drive you home,” Connor offered. Evan smiled softly and nodded. 

“Yeah, I’d uh, like that please,” Evan said. 

The two went upstairs, leaving Zoe in the basement, and made their way to the door and towards Connor’s car. Evan got in the passenger seat, and Connor began driving. 

“What happened back there… did I do something?” Connor asked as they were nearing Evan’s house. Evan shook his head. 

“It’s uh- I think my therapist called them cog- cogin- cognitive distortions? I just… blew what happened back at your house  _ way  _ out of proportion? It happens sometimes,” Evan shrugged it off. It definitely wasn’t as casual as Evan made it out to be, but god Evan didn’t want to make a fool of himself over this. 

When they pulled up to Evans house, Connor parked the car and looked over to Evan. 

“Do you uh, want a hug?” Connor asked, before adding a quick, “or some shit?” 

Evan laughed and nodded.

“A hug would be nice?” 

Connor got out of the car, and Evan assumed that he was going to meet him besides the passenger door. Which he was right. 

Connor wrapped his arms around Evan in a hug, and Evan did the same. He couldn’t remember the last time he was probably hugged, and as lame as it sounded, Evan loved it.  Connor wasn’t strong, but his hugs were firm and comforting oh god- Evan was blushing like mad into Connor’s shoulder. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow at school,” Evan said when they pulled away. 

“Probably not tomorrow, but tuesday or sure- Halloween after all,” Connor said. 

“Why not uh, tomorrow?” 

Connor shrugged. 

“I might go to the barn and get high instead. I can’t do it at home anymore and I’ve been itching to smoke,” Connor said. Evan nodded. That was probably the stuff he was going to have to deal with being friends with Connor. He wouldn’t stop him though. If smoking pot made Connor happy, then Evan didn’t care. 

“Well I’ll see you tuesday then,” Evan said before turning around and walking towards his front door. He waved goodbye as Connor drove off, unsure as to whether or not Connor saw that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness, I'm going to get yelled at for the chapter after this one, and it's pretty much written so it's coming soon. But it's just. I gotta do it man. I gotta do it. I don't have to, but like I got to. 
> 
> On the bright side, it has prompted a short sequel possibly? 
> 
> Still, I'm sorry in advance man. And I'm not going to be specific, cause spoilers, you know?


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD PLEASE DON'T YELL AT ME 
> 
> It's not that bad. It's plot man. I'm sorry. It's gotta happen. It's only going down from here too.

 

Evan hummed softly as he fiddled with his pencil as he sat in the library. He had his spare now, and he could go home, but he was waiting for Connor and Zoe. It was Halloween, meaning he was just going to go straight to Connor’s house after school, so there was no point in going home. 

He tapped the table and looked at the clock. There was only five minutes left now, he could probably pack up and leave. He shoved his stuff in his bad before making his way upstairs and towards Connor’s locker. He pulled out his phone and pretended to busy as the bell rang. 

“I thought I was picking you up from your place,” Connor said, stopping just in front of Evan and the locker. Evan blushed and pushed off from the locker, giving Connor room to grab his things. 

“I uh, just thought it’d be easier to hang around for the extra period,” Evan said with a small shrug. “My mom will be home tonight now so I don’t have to worry about candy.” 

“Do you want to stay home tonight then?” Connor asked. 

Evan shook his head with little hesitation. He knew Connor probably thought that Evan would want to spend time with his mom, considering she was actually home tonight, but Evan didn’t really care. Besides, he was looking forward to just hang out and watch movies with Connor, as well as possibly Zoe. 

Evan and Connor waited by his car for Zoe, who eventually showed up with a friend, who departed shortly after they got within arms reach of the two guys. 

Evan got into the backseat, letting the siblings take the front of the car. 

“Sorry I was a bit late, I know you two were probably waiting for a bit,” Zoe said as they all buckled up. Connor shrugged. 

“You weren’t all that late,” Connor said. Zoe glanced back at Evan with a raised an eyebrow before quickly looking back ahead of the car. 

“We were only really waiting a couple minutes,” Evan added. 

The drive was more or less quiet. 

The trio got out once Connor parked the car. Mr Murphy’s car was still parked in the driveway. Connor commented on how they probably should have left by now, but no one seemed to care all that much. 

Evan slipped in the front door last, shutting the door behind him. Connor and Zoe were already making their way to the kitchen as he was putting his jacket and bag on the floor next to the side of the door. He followed the other two into the kitchen, before taking a seat at the breakfast bar. 

“Oh! Connor, Zoe, you two are home earlier than normal,” Mrs Murphy said as she came into the kitchen, her hands up around one ear as she tried to get the matching hoop to her other ear in. 

“It’s already four thirty mom,” Zoe said as she pulled out a can of coke from the fridge. 

“Oh my god it’s later than I thought! Your father and I need to get going- the candy is right by Evan’s feet- Oh, hello Evan! I didn’t even notice you were there,” Mrs Murphy said frantically as she smoothed out her dress. 

“Hi Mrs Murphy,” Evan said with a small wave. Connor slid a coke in front of Evan, which he happily took, even though he wasn’t the most keen on drinking coke. He didn’t want to dent it though. He never did, so maybe Connor just thought that he really liked coke. 

“Call me Cynthia Evan, you make me sound old saying  _ Mrs Murphy _ ,” she laughed, patting Evan on the shoulder before turning around and going back upstairs, presumably getting her husband. 

The three exchanged a look before Zoe opened the freezer and rummaging inside. 

“We have frozen pizza? Or clam chowder soup we could heat up?” Zoe suggested. 

“Is the pizza that weird gluten free, vegan cheese one?” Connor asked, pushing himself up onto the granite counter, sitting down comfortably in the corner. 

“Yeah it is,” Zoe said, before pulling out the tub of clam chowder. 

“Soup?” Zoe asked. 

“Maybe not?” Evan said. “I just… I’m not the biggest soup fan?” 

Both the siblings looked at each other before Connor shrugged, and Zoe put the soup back in the freezer. 

“We could just order an actual pizza?” Connor suggested, pulling out his phone as he leant against the cupboards. 

Everyone agreed to that, but they decided they would wait until Mr and Mrs Murphy left to do so, and they agreed that they would destroy the evidence afterwards. 

Zoe dumped the four boxes of candy their parents  bought in a large metal bowl, before putting it by the front door. That was then followed by the siblings arguing over who was going to open the door for the trick or treating kids. Evan watched humorously as they argued, before the two turned to Evan, putting the fate of the decision in his hands. 

“Doesn’t it just make sense… for uh, the two of you to switch each time who was going?” Evan suggested. He would have thought the two of those would have thought about that already, apparently not though. 

“But uh, no offense, Zoe is the more welcoming of the two of you, so if I were to pick one, it would uh, it would probably be Zoe,” Evan added. Connor scoffed, holding his hand to his chest. 

“Well I’m glad to see where this friendship lies,” Connor joked, smiling at Evan before walking over to Evan, resting his elbow on Evan’s shoulder. 

“What if we have Evan open the door for everyone,” Connor teased. Zoe chuckled and Evan pushed the other away weakly. 

“That’s not funny,” Evan said. “I’m only here because I don’t want to have to open the door for people all night!” 

“So  _ that’s  _ what this friendship is about then, eh?” Connor asked. “I’m just being used?” 

“Oh come on you two, let’s go watch movies or something,” Zoe said, breaking up the conversation. Evan and Connor exchanged a smile before following her across the open concept room the living room. 

Zoe pulled up the  _ on demand  _ option before the group looked through their options. At one point their parents left, mentioning how they wouldn’t be home until around one am. Eventually they decided on The Corpse Bride, by Evan’s request to steer away from the actually scary movies for halloween. 

“Should we get pizza from Martins?” Connor asked as the opening credits started. 

“They don’t deliver though,” Zoe replied. Connor shrugged and looked between her and Evan. 

“If you two are okay with hanging out here for a bit I’ll go pick it up,” Connor suggested. 

“Yeah, okay” Zoe said. 

“That works for me,” Evan said, his words overlapping Zoe’s. 

“So like, three meat okay?” Connor asked. 

“Yeah- and get an order of the garlic cheese bread stuff, and a cinnamon bun dessert pizza,” Zoe replied. 

“Will we be able to eat all that?” Evan asked. Zoe laughed. 

“Trust me Ev, we will,” Connor said. 

“And if we don’t we’ll just send the leftovers with you,” Zoe added. Evan nodded before focusing back on the movie. Connor got up and left to go order the pizza, leaving Evan and Zoe on opposite sides of the rooms on two separate couches. Zoe was watching the film while absently playing with her hair. Evan looked down at his phone, trying to seem busy. 

Connor returned, not interrupting the silence. He sat down on the same couch as Evan, kicking his feet up. The tips of his toes were just barely brushing against Evan’s thigh. Naturally, Evan curled up in the corner, but Connor didn’t notice. 

Connor cleared his throat ten minutes later, before getting up once more. 

“I’m going to go pick up the pizza now,” Connor said, not waiting for much of a response. The doorbell rang as Connor crossed the hall, and a loud chorus of kids yelling  _ trick or treat _ . 

“You’re dealing with the kids too?” Zoe asked. 

“Obviously,” Connor said before disappearing around the corner to the front entrance. 

Silence again. Evan fidgeted with his thumbs, looking at the coffee table, of all things. Was it tense in here? It seemed tense in here. 

The doorbell rang again, and Evan and Zoe exchanged a glance before Zoe got up to answer it. She returned with a small handful of chocolates and whatever other candies the Murphy’s had bought. 

This time however, Zoe sat down beside Evan. She sat on the edge of the couch, and looked around nervously before looking over to Evan, making eye contact with him. 

“You know… I can’t remember the last time Connor smiled or laughed,” Zoe said. “Before, you and him started hanging around… I know it’s only been what- a little under a month? But… he’s changed.”

“Really? I uh, really haven’t noticed…” Evan said nervously, looking at Zoe’s face but refusing to look her in the eyes. He looked at her nose, and her forehead and her lips, but not her eyes. 

“You didn’t really know him before now,” Zoe mentioned with a small chuckle. 

“But… we’re actually getting along now? A-and it’s by  _ no  _ means one hundred percent better now but it’s getting there… My dad and Connor still don’t get along and I  _ know  _ he’s still smoking pot and getting high everyday but… he  _ smiles,  _ and he talks without being cold to everyone,” Zoe said. She looked out towards the tv. 

“I never thought I’d get another happy memory of Connor once he got worse,” Zoe said sadly, closing her eyes. “Evan, you’ve been such a positive impact on Connor so far… It… it’s stupid, but it  _ really  _ means a lot to me.”

She looked back to Evan. 

“Well I uh, I really like hanging out with Connor too? He’s- it’s kind of sad, but he’s like, my best friend, which… well, more like my only friend… which isn’t a big deal,” Evan said. Zoe chuckled and shrugged. 

“It’s a big deal though. Connor’s never had a friend before you,” Zoe said. 

“Yeah well I uh, never really had a friend either- there, there was Jared? But y’know, we’re not really all that big of friends… We just kind of hang out when our uh, when our parents get together? So like- that’s not really  _ friends _ but more like-” 

“Evan?” 

“Yeah?”

“Shut up,” Zoe said bluntly. 

“Oh! Y-yeah sorry I just,” Evan said, waving his hands around, trying to figure out what he wanted to say. Zoe laughed and shook his head. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Zoe dismissed. 

Evan nodded. She smiled again. 

“I guess my point is… Evan… you gave me my brother back,” Zoe said. “And… that’s all I’ve wanted… for longer than I can remember.” 

“Oh. Well uh, you’re welcome,” Evan said. 

There was a split moment there, where the tension built in the room and all Evan could do was look in Zoe’s eyes, and Zoe looked back and then it all dispersed. 

Zoe leant in, resting her hand on Evan’s shoulder before moving in and kissing him. Evan froze- his mind not processing anything until Zoe pulled away, her face probably looking as shocked as Evan did. 

“I am  _ so  _ sorry Evan I just-” 

“I liked it?” Evan said. 

“You… liked it?” Zoe replied. 

“Y-yeah? But it’s just… you broke up with Tyler-” 

“Kyle-” 

“Kyle, like what was it? Four days ago? And I uh, just you know, it’s not… I don’t want to be like a uh, rebound?” Evan said. “A-also like, I totally understand if that was just a uh, a heat of the moment thing? It felt like a uh, heat of the moment… thing,” Evan said, his speed gradually picking up. 

“Evan… calm down. I understand… I’m not saying I want to be with you, I mean, I like you and you’re great but, if something  _ did  _ happen, it wouldn’t be a rebound thing,” Zoe said. “That… thing that happened, was nothing serious.” 

Evan nodded before looking at the tv. 

“I just think that uh, that we should…” 

Evan hesitated before looking at Zoe again. She was awkwardly smiling and Evan decided to lean in and kiss her again. 

They bumped noses and it was brief, but a lot less shocking than the last one and Evan pulled away again, before scooting away. 

They both avoided eye contact, shifting awkwardly in their seats. There was a knock at the door, and Evan let out a sigh of relief as Zoe went to give kids their candy. It took her a bit longer to get back to the living room, probably because it was getting later, meaning more and more kids were coming to the door. Zoe had just sat down, before the door was knocked on again, she sighed and got up, before returning a minute later. 

“So what does-”

“I’m back with pizza!” Connor announced as he made his way through the house with three boxes. Zoe quickly got up and moved back to her own couch, looking at Evan with a small smile. He returned it, before Connor flipped open the three boxes and started eating. The other two joined in quickly. 

The night went on without a hitch after that, besides the brief arguments over who had to go get the door whenever kids came knocking. 

Towards the end of the night, and after two and a half movies, it was finally beginning to slow down and no one was touching the last few leftovers sitting on the table.  Evan and Connor were sharing a large throw blanket, both laying down on the couch in separate directions, while Zoe was curled up tightly with another blanket. No one was talking, but it was nice. 

Around eleven, Evan decided he should probably head home. As always, Connor offered to drive. And, as always, he accepted. 

Evan said goodbye to Zoe, before he and Connor stepped outside. It was drizzling out, a soft flow of rain, so Evan and Connor ran to the car, and slipped inside quickly. 

“I thought it wasn’t supposed to rain until midnight,” Connor said. Evan shrugged.

“Guess you can’t control the weather,” Evan replied. Connor nodded in agreement before they drove. Connor’s music was playing very softly, barely overheard over the patter of the rain. Connor still hummed along to it though. 

“So uh, it wasn’t too awkward being stuck at my house with my sister, was it?” Connor asked as they neared his house. 

“No! God… no. She’s really nice,” Evan said. “We’re… pretty uh, friendly, with each other.” 

“That’s… that’s good. I uh,  it was really nice to be able to hang out with both of you… without fighting tonight,” Connor said. Evan could feel how awkward it was for Connor, for whichever reason. 

“Yeah… I really like being able to call you both my friends,” Evan said with a small smile and nod. Connor smiled and pulled into Evan’s driveway. 

“You’re not too bad yourself Hansen” Connor said playfully. 

“See you at school?”

Connor hesiated in replying. 

“Yeah. I’ll show up tomorrow.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is like an as seen on TV commercial, you expect one item, but guess what?! The item is completely different and is nothing like the ad or description of the product. HA! 
> 
> Also, Guess who has exam week next week? This guy! Meaning, updates are either going to be a lot slower than one every 1.5 days, or not going to happen all together till next Saturday. Aaaand we're getting into more interesting chapters too. I'm sorry.


	10. chapter ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: slight mention of blood

“Oh my  _ god _ , you kissed Zoe Murphy?” Jared laughed as Evan nervously looked around. 

“Jared- can you… can you  _ please  _ just stop,” Evan said, shifting nervously on his couch. 

It was the day after halloween, and Jared had come over after school, claiming to have forgotten his keys to inside his house, and couldn’t get in. He didn’t want to hang out outside, so after school he had just come in unannounced and sat down. Evan knew Jared just wanted to know why Evan was acting so weird today. 

“It wasn’t like that uh, like that anyways,” Evan said with a small shrug. 

“Sure it wasn’t,” Jared taunted. “You two  _ totally  _ didn’t just take the chance when Connor was out getting pizza to kiss Zoe Murphy- the girl of your  _ dreams  _ since- what was it? Ninth grade?” 

“She kissed me!” Evan said. 

“Yeah, and you kissed her back, right?” Jared said. 

Evan hesitated, picking at his sweater sleeve. 

“You totally used Connor to get to her,” Jared said. 

“No I didn’t I just-” 

“On the bright side you don’t need to hang out with that weirdo anymore-”

“ _ Jared…”  _

“So like, that’s a plus.”

“Jared I did not-  _ fucking  _ use Connor to get to- to… to get to Zoe…” Evan shouted, his voice quickly degrading back down to his regular tone. 

“Shit… Evan Hansen just  _ swore _ ,” Jared laughed. Evan screwed up his face before glaring at Jared. 

“You should leave,” Evan said. Jared raised an eyebrow. 

“What?” Jared asked.

“Jared I uh, think you should uh, you should leave?” 

He didn’t like the way Jared was glaring at him. Jared looked like he was literally going to explode any second now. Evan just- he didn’t want to be mean, but he didn’t want Jared here. He was… being  _ rude  _ and making assumptions that weren’t true. Evan did really like Connor, and he liked Zoe, but he didn’t think anything else was going to come of it. Zoe just broke up with her boyfriend- which really only lasted six weeks, so was it all that serious? No. Nope. Evan was  _ not  _ going down this route. 

Or maybe he would. 

“Fine. Whatever,” Jared scoffed. “Let me know how Connor takes it when you dump him for his little sister.” 

Jared got up and left. Evan frowned and watched as he slammed the front door, which Evan jumped at just a bit. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, sitting cross legged on the couch. 

He froze for a minute, just staring at the wall. He didn’t  _ have  _ to tell Connor anything. He could still be friends with Connor, and he would  _ not  _ end that, and if something did happen with Zoe then it happened with Zoe. 

 

**[4:34 PM] To Connor:**

_ Come over?  _

 

**[4:35 PM] From Connor:**

_ On my way  _

 

Evan gnawed on his lower lip, looking around. He was going to tell Connor. No he wasn’t, he was just going to hang out with him. Nothing would come of it. 

Nothing bad was going to happen. 

Ten minutes later, Connor opened the door and walked over to the living room, sitting down next to Evan on the couch. Evan gave him an awkward smile before gazing around. 

“You alright Ev?” Connor asked, furrowing his eyebrows. 

“No- er, yes,” Evan said. “I’m uh, I’m fine,” Evan shrugged. 

“Evan your lower lip is bleeding,” Connor pointed out. Evan reached up and touched his lip and sure enough he had chewed his lower lip up to the point where he broke skin. 

“I’ll get you a paper towel,” Connor said before springing up from the couch, moving into the kitchen. 

Evan sat there and looked around, his teeth subconsciously going back to chewing on his lip. 

“Evan you need to stop that,” Connor said as he sat back down, slapping Evan lightly on the shoulder, before handing him a damp paper towel, folded into a nice square. 

Evan took it and dabbed it on his lip, scrunching up his eyebrows when the little bit of blood transferred onto the paper towel. He stretched out his neck, his foot twitching slightly. 

“Hey so uh…” Evan started speaking faster than he could personally comprehend and judging by the way Connor was looking at him, neither did he.  

“Evan-  _ breathe.  _ Talk slower, would you?” Connor said. 

Evan took a deep breath in, before licking his lips and opening his mouth to speak again. 

“Last night uh, Z-Zoe and I kissed?” Connor’s eyebrows raised up. 

“I-i-it wasn’t like… a serious thing though? You know we just- she was talking and, and then she uh,  _ she  _ kissed me? We were just talking and she thanked me for looking out for you, and, and then uh, and… she was talking about how- well we we’re just talking… Yeah just talking and then she leaned in and kissed me and was like ‘ _ IAmSoSorryForDoingThat’  _ and then we just kind of got really, really awkward with each other? And it was  _ really  _ weird but uh, but then, h-here’s the funny part… I said I  _ liked  _ it and she was was like  _ wow didn’t see that coming  _ and then it like stopped for a second, but then i kissed her? And- and then the door rang so we didn’t say anything else?” Evan rambled, using an unnatural amount of hand gestures. Connor’s face dropped and all Evan could think was  _ crap crap crap.  _

“B-but… Listen to this next, uh this next part? So like, I uh, I wasn’t going to tell you but Jared came over after school today- I still don’t know  _ why _ \- but, but but, I accidently told him and he was like ‘ _ you’re totally used Connor to get to Zoe’  _ which I did  _ not  _ because I decided to be your friend  _ before  _ I kissed Zoe and I  _ really really really  _ like you- not in a gay way though! But I just like, you’re really cool and I wanted you to know I didn’t start hanging out with you because I wanted to kiss Zoe- and i uh, I  _ did  _ want to kiss her but it didn’t even  _ occur  _ to me that I could do that a-and I didn’t want to do that at all…

“So uh, like the point of this story is I kissed Zoe and I figured you should know… B-because it kind of affects you too? But at the same time I still want to be your friend and I won’t ditch you because you uh, because  _ I  _ kissed Zoe and she was like ‘ _ if something did happen with us it wouldn’t be a rebound thing’ _ so I think she wants to start something? But of course, I can’t  _ know  _ for sure. Y’know? 

“Oh my god Connor please don’t look at me like that! Please don’t… I just… I…” 

“So you kissed Zoe last night?” Connor asked. Evan could tell what his tone sounded like. Sad? Annoyed?  _ Disappointed?  _

“Y-yeah?” Evan said. 

“And… you like her?” Connor said. 

Evan hesitated. 

“Yeah…” he said. 

Connor sighed, leant back in the couch and ran a hand through his hair, which looked like it hadn’t been washed in a couple days. 

“Go ahead,” he said shortly. Evan blinked, raising his eyebrows. 

“ _ What? _ ” Evan asked. 

“If Zoe and you want to date… go ahead. As long as I still get my best friend and she and I don’t fight over you, go ahead,” Connor said, almost soullessly. Evan dabbed at his lips again. Connor shrugged. 

“I want you guys to be happy. I love you both… so if you want to date her, go ahead,” Connor said. 

“Oh! Uh, thanks…” Evan said. 

Connor exhaled heavily, nodding slowly. 

They exchanged a small smile, before both awkwardly looking away. 

“Orchard?” Connor asked. 

“Yeah! Yeah, let’s go,” Evan said with a small chuckle and nod. 

They left Evan’s after that, getting into Connor’s car. There were clouds over head, but it didn’t look too worrying. Besides, nothing was in the forecast. 

Halfway to the orchard, Evans phone buzzed in the middle of the two making small talk about birds. 

 

**[5:23 PM] From Zoe:**

Is Connor with you? 

 

**[5:24 PM] To Zoe:**

Yeah he is. Don't worry, I'm watching over him. 

 

“who you texting?” Connor asked. Evan blushed and shrugged. 

“Just Zoe,” Evan said. 

“Oh my God,” Connor laughed. “You two dating… that's going to be wild.” 

“It might not happen,” Evan said. 

Connor smiled briefly, glancing at Evan a couple times as he turned right. 

“You'd make a cute couple.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the shortest chapter yet, however I wanted to cover this segment in a short but cause the next chapter is kind of going to be lengthy and there's going to be a time jump, so I wanted both chapters to be distinctly different. also, I'm posting this from my phone cause my laptop crashed so that's why the text messages weren't formatted the same as usual. I'll fix then when I get a chance though.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, sorry for the short chapter.

A week had passed and nothing really happened. Connor and Evan still hung out in the computer lab every lunch period Evan and Zoe talked a bit on their own- not much, but a little bit. They had a brief conversation as to whether or not Connor had the same conversation with both of them- which he did. Nothing really happened beyond that though. Evan still wanted to ask her out, but he wasn’t sure how. He didn’t even know if he wanted to go out. 

Evan and Connor sat in Evan’s kitchen as Evan microwaved pizza pops. Connor was humming softly, scrolling through his phone while Evan drummed on the countertop in front of him. Evan liked the way Connor smiled at his screen, the blue light highlighting his features nicely. Connor was also wearing his hair in a low bun today, most likely due to the fact that Connor accidently dropped a slushie, which Evan tried to grab before it fell, but instead it launched back up and hit Connor right in the neck and shoulder. 

They had both laughed, before cleaning up what mess they could. His hair was still pretty sticky though. 

“Do you think it would be weird if I like, tried to ask Zoe ask out?” Evan asked. Connor glanced up at Evan before shrugging, going back down to his phone. 

“Nope,” he said shortly. “Trust me, she’s been waiting for you to do it.” 

“S-she has?” Evan asked. Connor nodded. 

“Yup.” 

“What should I ask her to like do?” Evan said, taking the pizza pops from the microwave and setting it in between the two of them. 

“Movie maybe? That’s pretty low risk. You don’t talk for two hours, you can hold hands and then share popcorn,” Connor said. 

Evan laughed and nodded. 

“Sounds good,” Evan said. Connor nodded. 

“She really wants to see that new Zac Efron movie, she wants to see that.” Connor sounded really disinterested in the whole situation, and Evan understood why. It was kind of annoying- talking to your friend about your sister, who he wants to ask out. 

Yeah that is really weird. 

 

On wednesday, Evan decided he was for sure going to ask Zoe out. Well, he thought he was for sure. They talked in the morning, before classes, and Evan was going to ask then, but instead, he ended up asking Zoe how her test went yesterday. There was no test yesterday, and Zoe just kind of chuckled before she walked off to her first period. 

Of course, he had a brief chance at the start of lunch, but Zoe was with a friend, and Evan didn’t want to ask her out with her friend standing right there, so instead of following then to the cafeteria, he just went to the computer lab and hung out with Connor. He tried not to talk too too much about Zoe, but occasionally it just… slipped. 

“I should have just asked her out this morning, you know? All this stress is stupid,” Evan huffed. Connor rolled his eyes, slowly spinning around on his chair. 

“Just text her,” Connor said. 

“No! God no- that- that would be rude… A-and improper,” Evan replied. 

Connor shrugged. 

“Well I wouldn’t know,” Connor said. He looked up from his phone and towards Evan, who was eating the second half of his sandwich. 

“I mean, the one time I tried to ask someone out I just went to text them,” Connor said. “Just easier- plus it’s easier for the other person to reject you then.” 

“Well did that work out for you?” Evan asked. 

“I chickened out after some new developments happened,” Connor said dully before going back to his phone. Evan shook his head and shrugged. 

“I can’t just text her- do you think I could do it before I leave?” Evan said. 

Connor shrugged again, before focusing on his phone. 

“She’ll meet you at your locker before last block,” Connor said after a moment of silence. 

“How do you know?”

“I texted her? Told her to meet you. You’re welcome- now can you just shut up about my sister?” Connor asked. 

Evan shut up for the most part after that. 

So once the end of fourth period, Evan nervously waited at his locker. He wanted to just chicken out and start walking home, but he didn’t want to confuse and ditch Zoe. However, he was starting to believe that Zoe was going to ditch out on him. 

Thirty more seconds. Thirty seconds and if she doesn’t show up Evan can justify leaving- 

“Hey Evan,” Zoe said as she stopped in front of Evan. Evan smiled and awkwardly chuckled, wiping his hands on his pants. 

“Oh uh, hi Zoe!” Evan said. 

“What did you want to talk to me about?” She said, smiling brightly and swaying from side to side. It almost seemed like she knew what was going on. She probably knew what was going to happen. That was a good thing right? 

“I was wondering if you uh, maybe wanted to go out? Th-there’s that new movie with uh, Zac Efron in it? We could maybe go see it on friday?” Evan asked, playing with the hem of his sweater, his gaze focusing on his hands. 

“I’d like that,” Zoe said. Evan’s head shot up at that and he smiled. 

“Really?” Evan said. Zoe nodded. 

“Yeah. I’d really really like that,” Zoe said. 

“Okay! Cool! I uh, I can’t pick you up or anything… but uh, maybe we could bus from the school to the movie theatre after school?” Evan said. He said school twice. God why did he say school twice! “O-or we could go to uh, my house first… the theatre is only three bus stops away from my house,” he quickly added. 

“That sounds fine… I’ll uh, I’ll text you after school? We can figure out details then,” Zoe said. 

Evan smiled and nodded. 

“Yeah yeah! That sounds… That sounds like a plan!” Evan said. 

“See you,” Zoe said. She leant in and kissed Evan’s cheek, before making her way quickly to her next class. Evan stared as she left, his face probably beet red as he adjusted his strap of his backpack and made his way out of the school, jittery but relieved. 

  
  


**[7:03 PM] From Zoe:**

_ So friday?  _

 

**[7:03 PM] To Zoe:**

_ Yeah! If that works for you. _

 

**[7:05 PM] From Zoe:**

_ It does _

 

**[7:05 PM] From Zoe:**

_ I like the idea of busing to your house first. I checked the movie times and it’s either 435 or 7 the first one might be a tight squeeze  _

 

**[7:06 PM] To Zoe:**

_ Seven works! We could eat here first maybe? I can’t really afford to take you out, but I make good pasta.  _

 

**[7:09 PM] From Zoe:**

_ Sounds like a good plan. See you tomorrow <3  _

 

**[7:10 PM] To Zoe:**

_ See you!  _

  
  


Come Friday, Evan and Zoe walked back to his house while making small talk. Connor had offered the two a drive when he passed them, but Zoe quickly declined for the both of them, which he then just zoomed off. 

Zoe sat in the chair Connor usually did whenever Evan was making something while Evan boiled pasta and made the sauce. 

“Would you rather shrimp or chicken? The uh, chicken isn’t frozen but the shrimp is… and it’s kind of old? Like- still good… Just freezer burnt?” Evan said. Zoe smiled and shrugged. 

“I think you’d rather do the chicken,” Zoe said. 

“Yeah. Yeah, probably,” Evan said. 

“Chicken is good,” Zoe replied. 

They ate when it was done, and then just kind of hung out. Zoe taught him a card game which Evan couldn’t remember the name, or half the rules of the game, but it was fun, and Zoe laughed a lot. Evan really loved her laugh. 

They bussed to the theatre then, and sat in the very back of the theatre, right in the middle of the row. The movie must have been out for a while now, because even for a friday, there was barely anyone in the theatre, which was really nice, actually. 

It was nearly ten o’clock when the movie ended, but the two took their time. Zoe insisted they play a couple of the games in the arcade, but of the twelve games available, the only ones that actually worked were the two skee ball machines. So naturally, the two played a couple games of that. Both of them sucked, as hard as they tried. Half the time they didn’t even make it passed the first slot. By time they ran out of tokens they had accumulated twelve tickets, which was just enough for a box of nerd candies. 

They shared the candy while bussing back. It was really quiet- they didn’t speak much and no one else was on the bus, so it was just them, slight laughter and the shifting of the candy in the box. 

Evan decided to get off at Zoe’s stop so he could walk her home, even though he was likely going to spend another hour busing, including waiting for the next one. He might have to walk, but he didn’t really care. 

Once they reached Zoe’s front porch, they turned towards each other. 

“You’re shaking…” Zoe pointed out humorously. Evan shrugged. 

“Nervous?” She asked. 

“Yeah a uh- just a little bit,” He laughed awkwardly. 

“Well, if it helps, I had fun tonight,” Zoe said. 

“I did too.” Evan gave a small nod. 

They both looked at each other for a brief moment before Zoe leant up and kissed him briefly. They both pulled away smiling and Zoe took his hand, giving it a small squeeze. 

“I’d like to go out again,” Zoe said. 

“Me uh… Me too,” Evan said. They both smiled. 

They both went to lean in again, but was stopped by the front door opening. 

“I thought I heard voices,” Connor said blandly, a small smirk on his face. 

“Oh my god Connor- you had to interrupt us?” Zoe asked. 

Connor’s smug grin only grew as he shrugged. 

“Yeah I did,” Connor said. “Do you need a ride home Evan?” 

“I uh…” Evan said, looking between the two. 

“Go ahead Evan- I’ll call you in the morning,” Zoe said, kissing his cheek quickly before pushing past Connor, glaring at him in the process. 

“Drive?”

“Yeah, please,” Evan said with a small nod. Connor grabbed his keys from the little bowl beside the door before slipping on his shoes on and stepping outside. 

The two made their way down the driveway and into Connor’s car, buckling up in silence. 

Connor started driving, and it wasn’t until they were just down Connor’s street that Evan noticed Connor’s slightly puffy, bloodshot eyes and then the faint smell of weed. 

“Connor are you high?” Evan asked. 

Connor glanced at Evan, but didn’t say anything. Connor was high.

“You shouldn’t be driving high Connor!” Evan scolded. 

“Fuck off,” Connor muttered. 

Evan shifted awkwardly in his seat and looked out the window. God he hoped Connor wouldn’t do something stupid while driving. Driving while high was already stupid though. God Connor was stupid!

“Connor…” 

“I said fuck off Evan! Fuck! I’m trying to be a good friend and drive you home so you don’t have to walk home at shit o’clock,” Connor snapped. 

“Connor… You can’t drive, you can’t drive high though. It’s not… It’s not safe?” Evan said. 

“I don’t care! I’m driving fine right now, so mind your own fucking business.” 

Evan went quiet, and looked outside his window. He almost felt like crying. He wasn’t going to cry though. No. He was fine. Connor was just high- people could get angry and pissy when they were high. It happens. It was fine. 

Still, he didn’t even bother saying good night or good bye to Connor as he got out of his car, and he booked it for his front door. He wasn’t going to cry. He wouldn’t let Connor ruin his night. 

 

**[11:16 PM] To Zoe:**

_ Text me when Connor gets home?  _

 

**[11:18 PM] From Zoe:**

_ Why?  _

 

**[11:18 PM] To Zoe:**

_ He’s high? And we got in an argument.  _

 

**[11:18 PM] From Zoe:**

_ God! He’s high?  _

 

**[11:19 PM] From Zoe:**

_ Thanks for letting me know. He’s going to hear it from me _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy oh boy oh boy what's going to happen?????? Connor and Evan are pissy? Evan and Zoe went on a date and it went really well? Evan can apparently cook pasta? Connor is high? And driving? That's not good. What's going to happen to the story?
> 
> Ya'll aren't going to get to know until at minimum Sunday.


	12. Chapter Twelve

 

Evan would be lying if he said he didn’t feel the growing tension between his girlfriend of a month- well a month on friday anyways- and his best friend. It was unspoken, as far as Evan knew, anyways. They often argued over who got to hang out with Evan after school, which could kind of be overwhelming. Most times he was just over at the Murphy’s house anyways. 

Like right now. He was laying on Connor’s bed, which the sheets were freshly washed. Connor was on the floor, doing something Evan was unaware of. Zoe was at Jazz band practice right now. 

It was snowing out currently. It made sense- it was early December now and it was around this time that they usually got snow. 

It still kind of sucked. 

Evan didn’t realize how much he and Connor relied on the Orchard as their prime place to hang out until it got too cold- for Evan anyways. Connor didn’t seem to have a sense of hot and cold. He drank hot chocolate cold- which was weird. 

Hot chocolate, when made with water and powder is  _ not  _ good cold. It does not taste like chocolate milk, like his father used to say it did. No it was sad and wrong and it made Evan mad that Connor just drank it. He just picked up Evan’s cold mug of half drank hot chocolate and drank it all! 

Evan almost didn’t want to talk to him. 

Evan chuckled fondly at the memory, rolling over to lay down on his stomach. 

“I might have to get the rest of my things from the barn before it snows too much- wanna come?” Connor randomly said, breaking the silence. Evan frowned. He knew what things Connor wanted to grab from the barn- he had most of his pot there, and a sweater, but Connor didn’t care much for the sweater and they both knew that. 

Evan shook his head and sighed. He was still kind of pissed that Connor was driving high a month ago. He got home fine, thank god, but apparently he had a huge argument with his parents, and he  _ just  _ got his car back today because of it. 

He also wasn’t stupid. Sure, he hadn’t been Connor’s friend for more than a month when he started dating Zoe, so he really did  _ not  _ know Connor that well. However, he knew for a fact that Connor was smoking a lot more recently. He also had cigarettes, something Evan was blissfully unaware of until a week before. Connor had pulled one out while the two were walking home and lit it, trailing just a bit behind Evan so he didn’t blow the stuff in his face. 

At least Connor was thinking about him when he did it, Evan reasoned. 

“When?” Evan asked. 

Connor shrugged and sat up, moving to sit with Evan on the bed. 

“Now? It’s going to snow like- all night,” Connor said with a small shrug. 

“Oh well uh, Zoe and I were going to…” 

“Fuck! Zoe and you hung out last night,” Connor said. Evan opened his mouth to argue, but Connor cut back in. 

“And the night before and then you didn’t come over at all the night before that. We haven’t done  _ anything  _ in a week,” Connor argued. 

Evan sighed, bit his lip and looked at Connor. 

Connor scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

“I’m going to go heat up my car. Make your choice before I drive away,” he said before storming out of his bedroom. 

Evan sighed and laid down on Connor’s bed, staring at the ceiling. If he canceled with Zoe, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. She would understand. If Evan left Connor alone, he’d probably get high and try and drive home and something bad could happen. 

He was really excited to hang out with Zoe though. 

Evan got up again and pulled out his phone. He typed a message, and then deleted it and opened up the other contact. 

 

**[4:56 PM] To Zoe:**

_ Going to have to cancel tonight. Connor’s on edge and I’m going to stick with him to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. We’re just going to get out of the house for a bit. Maybe we can move our movie date to tomorrow? We will still be back for dinner at seven though. _

 

Evan didn’t wait for a reply- Zoe still had a half an hour of rehearsal left, so she probably wouldn’t reply. The two were going to watch a short movie before Evan had dinner with the siblings parents. Now though, it was just the dinner. 

He didn’t want to disappoint her- he didn’t want to give her a reason to not want to be with him anymore, and he didn’t want to cancel, but he had to. She would understand. 

Evan walked downstairs, put on his coat, hat and shoes and walked outside, his hands stuck in the pockets of his jacket which Connor often described as  _ the jacket my grandpa should have left at goodwill.  _ Evan liked it though- He kind of felt like Sherlock wearing it. It made him look older too. 

He slipped into the passenger seat as Connor chucked a cigarette butt out of the car window, into the snow. He sighed and looked over at Evan, before putting the car in reverse. 

“I’m shocked Hansen,” Connor said flatly as he moved into drive and went down the road. It was already dark out, and the snow on the road was barely driven on. He had no clue what the roads would be like out on the highway. 

“What?” Evan asked.

“I really thought I was going alone tonight,” Connor said. “What with you being all love stuck over my sister- which is honestly annoying as  _ fuck _ .” He scoffed. Evan shifted awkwardly in his seat. 

“Look… I’m sorry but you uh, you said it was okay for us to date? You can’t get mad at me… for that…” Evan said. Connor shrugged. 

“Yeah and you promised she wouldn’t consume your life! Guess what Evan- that happened,” Connor snapped. 

Evan’s phone buzzed and Connor rolled his eyes. 

“That’s her, isn’t it?” Connor asked coldly. 

“It’s my mom Connor,” Evan said sternly. “Can you  _ please  _ calm down? You’re- you’re honestly scaring me right now.” 

“Oh… I’m sorry.” 

It was quite after that, and it was uncomfortable. Connor’s hands were almost white from gripping the wheel too much. His jaw was clenched and he turned up the radio loud enough that even if the two did talk, neither would hear each other. 

Evan almost wanted to cry. 

 

**[5:05 PM] From Zoe:**

_ Bummer. Make sure he’s safe! Good luck, see you tonight <3  _

 

Evan couldn’t be more relieved when he sat down next to Zoe for dinner, with Cynthia across from him, Larry beside her, and then Connor on the end, with Larry and Zoe on either side of them. 

Zoe’s hand rested on Evan’s thigh as the food was passed around. She could tell he was tense- hell, even Hedi, who was currently across the city at the hospital, could probably tell he was tense. He was ignoring that feeling though, and focused in on Larry talking about how rough work was today. Three of his coworkers were fired, and the coffee machine broke. Evan was paying attention for the most part, unlike both Zoe and Connor. 

“So Evan, how have you been recently?” Cynthia asked once there was a natural break in the conversation. Evan smiled and shrugged, putting a baby potato on his fork. 

“It’s been uh- it’s been alright,” Evan said. “Really busy recently, actually?” 

“ _ Maybe it wouldn’t be so busy if you stopped making out with your girlfriend every night _ ,” Connor muttered, earning a stern look from both his parents. Evan sighed and shook his head. 

“At least he’s likeable enough to have one,” Zoe replied bitterly. God- wasn’t things getting better between the siblings? No. Not recently- and that was Evan’s fault. 

“I was thinking of maybe adopting a uh, maybe like a dog? It’s pretty lonely with my mom out every night…” Evan said. He wasn’t planning on getting a dog. Not in the slightest- but he just had to get this conversation to turn around. 

“Really? You know, we had a cocker spaniel when the kids were younger, she was a sweet dog,” Cynthia said, openly greeting this change of topic. 

“Y-yeah? I was thinking maybe getting like a uh, something small… like a uh, italian greyhound maybe?” Evan said. 

“Interesting choice,” Connor said sarcastically. 

“Connor do you want to do something tomorrow? Like, go to the arcade or something,” Evan asked. 

Everyone turned to Connor, who sat up just a bit more. He raised an eyebrow and smirked softly. 

“Just us?” He asked, glancing over to Zoe. She rolled her eyes. 

“Evan I thought we-” 

“Yeah. Just us- maybe Jared? Just- have a guys night,” Evan said. 

“Sure,” Connor said with a small nod. 

That changed his mood quickly. Zoe frowned, her face growing sour. Evan took her hand and squeezed it, before kissing her on the cheek. She relaxed after that. He’d have to apologize to her later for canceling yet again, but on the bright side, no one was in a sour, shitty mood. 

Once everyone was finished, Connor disappeared upstairs and Larry to his office, leaving Evan to help the girls out with cleaning up. 

Evan was drying the dishes that Cynthia washed while Zoe packed away the leftovers. Zoe muttered something about having to use the washroom, before leaving the kitchen. 

“You know Evan, I have no clue how you do it,” she said with an airly laugh. 

“Pardon?” Evan said. 

“You just… both the kids were so angry and tense during dinner and you just- fixed it,” she said. “I don’t get how you do it.” 

“Well I guess it helps that I’m uh, dating one and best friends with the other,” Evan said, nervously laughing with a small shrug. She laughed too and shook her head, cleaning the last unwashed pot. 

“It must be,” she said. “Recently it’s been kind of a relapse of anger between the two, but before that this house was calm for a month.” 

“Yeah uh,  there’s been some issues with me hanging out with Zoe more than Connor… It’s uh, I’m working on keeping the peace between the two,” Evan laughed. 

“Ah to be seventeen again,” she replied. 

“It’ll work out- just gotta make sure none of us do anything stupid,” Evan said. He was mostly referring to Connor. The last thing Evan needed was Connor to go driving impaired again, or something else. 

Zoe returned to the kitchen a minute later, sneaking up behind Evan and tickling his sides. Cynthia laughed at the two, before leaving the room. 

Evan turned around properly and wrapped his arms around Zoe’s waist. She smiled and leant up to kiss him softly. 

“So no movie tomorrow?” she asked with a small pout. 

Evan sighed and pecked her on the lips again. 

“Probably not… I should hang out with Connor though… You’ve kind of eaten up all my uh, free time,” he said with a small chuckle. 

“I understand…. Maybe monday then?” 

“We can have a movie date at my house, yeah,” Evan said with a small nod. She smiled and kissed him again. 

“You haven’t been stuttering as much recently,” she pointed out. Evan shrugged. 

“I haven’t noticed,” he said. “Guess life has been a lot less nerve wracking now,” he laughed. 

She smiled and nodded, before leaning up and kissing him again. 

“Jesus you two, get a room,” Connor scoffed as he walked over to the fridge. He caught Evan’s gaze for a brief moment and smiled at him, which Evan returned, before Connor glanced down and left the room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy- this chapter is kind of lame. Hopefully it's kind of the last lame chapter in a row, as it's mostly just relationship development for Evan and Zoe. It's also another very short chapter, again, in a row. However I didn't want to drag it along, so it's gotta be short. The next chapter might be short, but the story is finally picking up pace now.
> 
> Also, if you want to know my tunblr I guess, it's stuck-in-2006. Basically the same, just with different dashes. It's a mess, but it's there.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow two updates in one night!?! Wow. See the end for my typical mushy talk!

Evan laid down on his couch, Zoe kind of half laying on top of him, half lying ahead of him on the edge of the couch, with a soft fluffy blanket tossed lazily over the both of them. They had just been watching movies since they got home from school and had barely gotten up since. Evan was teetering between half awake and half asleep. The movie wasn’t really processing in his brain, but he was watching it. Zoe’s head was buried in the nook of Evan’s neck however, and it wouldn’t have surprised him if she was sleeping. 

“Zoe,” Evan said softly. 

“Mmm?” 

“Do you want ice cream?” he asked. Zoe sat up a bit and smiled at Evan. 

“What kind?” she asked. 

“We have uh, mint chip and cookie dough left I think,” Evan said. She smiled and nodded, before resting back into her same opinion. 

“You uh, do need to get off me for me to get it you know,” Evan said with a small yawn. Zoe frowned before sitting up and running a hand through her hair. 

“Is my makeup smudged?” she asked. Evan shrugged as he sat up. 

“No you’re okay,” Evan replied. Her makeup was so subtle anyways it didn’t really matter. That and of course, she was just beautiful in general. 

Zoe followed him over to the kitchen and sat down, watching contently as Evan grabbed the two ice cream pints and two bowls and the spoons. 

“Mint or cookie dough?” he asked. 

“Bit of both?” she said. Evan nodded and scooped them both out a bit of both and slide Zoe’s bowl, which looked like it had a bit more ice cream than Evan’s. Of course, Evan did that on purpose, but she didn’t notice. 

They went back to the couch and this time just sat beside each other while they ate their ice creams. Zoe unpaused the movie and rested her head on Evan’s shoulder. 

“It’s only Monday and I want the week to be over,” she laughed. Evan joined in and sighed, shifting a bit in his seat. 

“Just two weeks and then it’s winter break,” he commented. 

“Yeah I can’t wait… It just sucks that we’re going to away during Christmas… I would have loved to spend it with you…” she said with a small sigh. 

“You’ll have fun skiing,” Evan said, nudging her softly. Zoe laughed and nudged him back. 

“Yeah and having to listen to Connor complain about it,” she laughed. “I’m still going to miss you… What are you doing new years eve?” she asked. 

“I’m just going to hang out at home… I don’t really celebrate the new year often. My mom actually might be home this year so I’ll probably just watch movies with her,” Evan said with a small nod. 

“That’s nice… I’m going to a party with my friends. I’d ask if you wanted to come but…” 

“Evan and parties do not mix,” Evan finished her sentence for her, laughing softly. 

“I hope you have fun,” she said with a small smile. 

“I hope you do too.” 

Half another later, and a new movie started, they were back to their half asleep state, laying down side by side on the couch which was much too small for them to be doing this, but neither were complaining. 

Evan’s eyes dropped and his head flopped naturally to the side. Zoe hummed softly, tracing small circles on Evan’s arm, which was secured comfortably around her waist. 

Zoe shifted slightly, sighing contently. The silence was nice and comforting for both of them, and Evan was hoping it would stay this way as he had a nap. 

That hope was short lived. 

The door suddenly swung open and shut, before opening once again. 

“I am sorry I  _ tried  _ to get him to not come over,” Jared announced. Both Evan and Zoe groaned as they were slowly woken up by Connor sitting down on the loveseat and Jared on the armchair. 

“What’re you two doin’ ‘ere?” Evan asked, stretching out as he sat up. 

“Got bored, and I knew you two were hanging out so- I thought why not join!” Connor said as he kicked his feet up on the coffee table. Zoe sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. 

“That’s kind of an asshole move Connor,” Zoe huffed. 

“So why is Jared here?” Evan asked, wrapping the blanket over him and Zoe. 

He shrugged. 

“Murphy and I were playing video games- I didn’t want him coming over here and having fun without me,” Jared said. 

“Since when did you two become friends?” Evan asked. Zoe yawned and rested her head back on Evan’s shoulder and closed her eyes. 

“Since you started dating my sister and no longer had time for me,” Connor said. Evan couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. However, he laughed a bit after, so Evan found it okay to just laugh at the situation a bit. 

“So what are we doing?” Jared asked, turning his attention to the screen. 

“Watching Legally Blonde right now,” Zoe said sleepily. 

“What a lame movie,” Jared laughed. 

“No one asked for your opinion,” both Evan and Zoe said at more or less the same time. Jared and Connor looked at the two for a solid minute in shock before turning their attention back to the movie. 

Evan thought the night was going to go downhill all too quickly, but it didn’t. Jared ended up finishing Evan’s cookie dough ice cream container, as well as the half a row of oreos he had. Connor left once or twice, claiming to be getting water, but everyone knew he was going outside to have a smoke on the back porch. They could easily see him through the kitchen windows, and the house was pretty much open concept.  

Zoe kept cuddling Evan, and was once again half asleep. They made it through another two movies before it was nearly ten pm, and Jared left. Connor offered to drive his sister home once she was ready to go. Despite it being monday night however, the three made the stupid decision to start a “quick” game of monopoly. 

Zoe was the bank teller, and both Evan and Connor knew she was sneaking twenty dollar bills every chance she got, but neither of them called her out on it. Both of them were beating her by a long shot anyways. 

Connor was buying up every piece of property he could, and was teetering on the idea of bankruptcy, but since Evan and Zoe had to keep paying rent, he was managing to scrape by.  

The game went on for what seemed to be forever. Before they knew it, the three of them were laughing on the floor, tired and loopy at two am. None of them had looked at their phones since ten thirty, and hadn’t looked at a clock since ten forty five. 

A rather disgruntled Hedi entered the house at two in the morning, and stood over the three teenagers for a solid minute before sighing loudly and shaking her head. 

“Evan, it’s two in the morning on a school night! What are these two still doing here?” She asked. 

Evan looked up at her and blinked in surprise, before looking at his friends. 

“Is it really that late?” he asked, grabbing his phone. The siblings did the same and laughed. 

“We better get going then,” both of them laughed. Connor was the first to stand up, stretching out. 

“I’m just going to go use the washroom before we go Zoe,” Connor said before making his way upstairs. Evan raised an eyebrow. Connor knew there was a bathroom just off the kitchen- so why had he gone upstairs? 

He smiled and said goodbye to Zoe, and then shortly after Connor, and then locked the door behind him as the two drove away. He entered the kitchen where Heidi was drinking a glass of water. 

“Well I’m glad you were having fun… but head to bed now, you still have to go to school,” Heidi said, smiling as she set down her glass. “Have you taken your medication yet tonight?” 

Evan shook his head. 

“I’ve only really been taking them in the morning recently… I’ve just been, feeling better, you know?” Evan said. She smiled and nodded. 

“Did Dr Sherman recommend you do that?” she asked. 

“Nope! But uh, I told her about it and she said that was okay and good,” he said with a small nod. “We’re adjusting the medications once I’m done the bottle I have now.”

“That’s good,” Heidi said with a small smile. “Evan that’s really good.” 

“Yeah I know,” he said with a small smile returned before they hugged briefly. 

“Now get to bed,” she said playfully, hitting Evan’s shoulder lightly. He smiled and nodded before making his way upstairs. He brushed his teeth and as he was putting his toothpaste back behind the mirror cabinet, he furrowed his eyebrows. 

Something was missing. Something was off. 

He looked around, counting out the items he had in there, before coming across to the assortment of his medications in the bottom right corner. One of his prescription medication bottles was almost empty- with only one more pill inside it. He raised an eyebrow and shook it. He could have swore there was eight pills left, but there was only one. Maybe he was almost done with this round of anti anxiety meds? 

He didn’t even notice the other missing bottle. 

He shrugged and shut the cabinet. Weird. Maybe he had put the pills in his portable container for school? That would make sense. He had them today. 

 

**[2:45 AM] To Zoe:**

_ Today was fun, even if Jared and Connor crashed the party.  _

 

**[2:56 AM] From Zoe:**

_ Yeah lol it was. Our parents are going to have our heads in the morning though. Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow lol night <3 _

 

**[2:57 AM] To Zoe:**

_ Good night _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so here's the deal. The next three/fourish chapters are easily going to be my favourite bit, and I normally would not try to update twice in one day but my god I want the next few chapters to be read cause I'm excited for you guys to read cause let's just say you're getting what you signed up for. 
> 
> And once again, very short short chapter, but the next one is twice as long so like... Wait for that coming up.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!

Evan hummed softly as he cooked himself dinner. It was late, kind of around eight, and due to him having been studying since he got home for an upcoming exam, he kind of forgot about food. He was hungry though, and didn’t really want pizza. So here he was, attempting to make a cheese sauce for macaroni. 

He whistled as he grated a bit more cheese over the pot, before adding a bit more butter and taste testing it. He sighed before draining the water from the pasta, and then adding the cheese sauce in with it. He made way too much pasta for just him to eat. Maybe Jared wanted to come over and eat some? He’d ask Zoe, or Connor, but he knew for a  _ fact  _ that their aunt, uncle and four cousins were over and they were definitely not getting out of that. 

Evan made his way to the couch and turned on the television, eating his food while half listening to the show on the TV. 

The sauce was  _ not  _ right at all. It tasted really weird, but he ate it anyways as quickly as he could. 

As he was cleaning up, his phone went off five different times. He ignored it for now, and the other three messages that followed as he was quickly cleaning everything up. He needed to get rid of the rest of that pasta- he didn’t want to make  _ anyone  _ suffer from that sad excuse for pasta. 

He dried his hands off and grabbed his phone, before sitting back down on the couch and unlocking it. His eyebrows raised in surprised- three messages from Zoe, and five from Connor. Was everything okay? 

 

**[8:34 PM] From Zoe:**

_ I have no clue what you see in my shit face of a brother. He’s nothing but an asshole who can’t do shit.  _

 

**[8:37 PM] From Zoe:**

_ I’m sorry. Please come over? I really need you right now.  _

 

**[8:38 PM] From Zoe:**

_ Evan please come over.   _

 

Evan bit his lip and sighed. What the hell happened between the two? Weren’t the two supposed to have been on their best behaviour tonight? 

With a small huff, he ran a hand through his hair and opened the messages from Connor. 

 

**[8:33 PM] From Connor:**

_ I really tried to be a decent human being tonight you know. I really did  _

 

**[8:35 PM] From Connor:**

_ Zoe just fucking had to be an asshole. I know you like her but god damn it! She’s not a nice fucking person.  _

 

**[8:38 PM] From Connor:**

_ I’m going to the orchard. Come with me?  _

 

**[8:40 PM] From Connor:**

_ Evan please if you don’t come with me I’m going to do something stupid.  _

 

**[8:45 PM] From Connor:**

_ You probably chose Zoe over me, didn’t you? _

 

Evan shook his head and leant back against the couch. Well what the hell did he do now? He could go with Zoe, help out his girlfriend who was clearly distressed and risk Connor doing something stupid. Or he could go with Connor and risk everything. It was an easy decision, once the situation processed. 

 

**[8:49 PM] To Connor:**

_ Come pick me up. I’ll be outside.  _

 

Evan got dressed, switching his sweatpants out for a pair of jeans and getting a warm sweater, before slipping on his jacket and going outside, making sure to lock up the front door. 

Connor’s car showed up in his driveway moments later, with Connor behind the wheel and a big stack of blankets in the back seat. It wasn’t actually that cold tonight, which was nice. It wasn’t snowing, which it was early, which again, was very nice. 

There was a split moment in hesitation when Evan put his hand on the door handle of the car, where Evan thought about whether or not he was making the right choice, but quickly dismissed it. Connor was more high risk. Zoe would understand. 

He wasn’t going to reply Zoe though. He would lie later and say he was studying, and his phone was in a different room than his. It would have to do. 

Connor didn’t speak as he pulled out of the driveway, his breathing irregular and shaky. Evan looked at him with a pang of concern. He was gripping his steering wheel tightly. He was shaking, and Evan couldn’t tell in the dark light, but it looked like his lip was swollen and he had been fighting back tears. 

Evan didn’t want to speak up, he just looked at his best friend with concern. What had happened? Should he speak up first? God he didn’t know. 

Instead he stayed quiet and found things to distract himself, like the cigarette butts on the dashboard, or the song currently playing through the radio. He hummed along softly to one of the songs, and Connor slowly began to calm down, for what Evan could see. 

Connor pulled over alongside the highway just outside of where they usually parked for the orchard. He shut off the car and then sighed. He turned on the lights in both the front and back of the car and locked the doors. He rested his head against his seat and closed his eyes. 

“We’d be stupid to try and get to the barn in weather like this,” Connor said. Evan nodded in agreement. He was okay sitting here in Connor’s car. Connor took off his jacket, and Evan thought he might as well do the same, mostly because he didn’t want to be the only one wearing his jacket. 

“Move to the back seats?” Connor asked. Evan raised an eyebrow, but nodded once again and slipped through the gap in between the two front seats and sat down on one side, while Connor sat down on the other. His lip was definitely swollen. Connor distributed the four blankets somewhat messily across the seat. 

There was silence for a minute or so before Connor cleared his throat. 

“It’s so unfair,” Connor muttered, just loud enough for Evan to hear. He quirked an eyebrow up and cocked his head to the side. 

“What’s unfair?” Evan asked. Connor swallowed. He was shaking again.

“Zoe’s just… the perfect  _ fucking  _ child… She gets everything! She always gets  _ everything…”  _

His eyes were watering now, and he quickly wiped away at his eyes. Evan frowned and rested a hand reassuringly on Connor’s knee, before moving closer just a bit. 

“You can cry you know,” Evan said softly with a small nod. 

“Yeah I know I can dumbass,” he said, his tone lacking seriousness. He didn’t mean to be mean by calling him a dumbass, but it still put a damper on Evan’s mood for a split moment there. 

They were silent again. Connor was silently crying, shaking still, and resting his head on Evan’s shoulder. His hand was twitching against Evan’s own, which was resting naturally on his knee. Connor shook his head and sniffed. 

“She gets everything… She’s everyone’s favourite… And I’m the bad guy. No one thinks of me of anything but the bad guy- or the guy with the one great fucking friend who’s somehow magically changed him. I’m still fucked  _ up.  _ I’m still depressed, I’m still angry all the time and I have no  _ fucking  _ clue why. My parents don’t listen- they don’t  _ care _ ,” Connor muttered mindlessly. Evan couldn’t see where he was looking, as Connor was still resting his head on Evan’s shoulder, but he could only assume he was staring vacantly at the floor. 

“They… They really care Connor, they do,” Evan said. He didn’t know really what to say. 

“They  _ don’t  _ though,” Connor said. He sniffed again. 

“They care about Zoe… the perfect person in every way shape and form,” Connor said, spitting venom with his words. 

“How is Zoe perfect, Connor?” Evan asked. 

Connor laughed shortly and shook his head. He picked at Evan’s nails, but Evan didn’t mind. He just kind of ignored it. 

“She’s got perfect marks, near perfect fucking attendance… She so  _ effortly  _ gets along with our family- no one likes our family! She just- god she makes friends easily, she’s talented, she’s going somewhere in life and here I am. The fucked up druggy kid who tried to…” He cut himself off and let out a hoarse sob. 

Evan bit his lip. He didn’t know what to do right now. Hesitantly, he put his arm around Connor and gave his shoulder a slight squeeze. 

“She gets praised for trying to cook and make a mess- I get yelled at,” he scoffed. “She’s the pretty little straight girl who’s managed to land the best possible boyfriend and here I am, poor gay little Connor Murphy. Of course she has it better off than me.” 

Evan’s face lit up in shock, but it quickly faded. Connor was gay. Alright. Evan didn’t particularly care, he’d kind of be a hypocrite if he did. 

“She gets all the talent, she gets the friends, she gets the love of all the teachers, she gets the bedroom with the extra bathroom, she gets therapy but  _ no,  _ Connor doesn’t get therapy. Connor doesn’t  _ need  _ therapy. She gets all the friends, she gets the brand new car, she gets the last slice of cake she gets…” 

Connor sat up and looked Connor dead in the eye. His eyes were puffy and god his poor eyes were bloodshot, and kind of dilated, now that Evan was looking at him properly. He wasn’t going to ask about that now though. 

Connor choked and sniffed, wiping from under his nose and then wiping away around his eyes. 

“And she gets you…” he said quietly. Of all the things he said, that’s what sounded like it hurt Connor the most. They never broke eye contact. 

“Connor… No one  _ gets  _ me. I am my own person… and I choose to be with her, and I choose to be with you. She doesn’t own me, she doesn’t control who I hang out with,” Evan reasoned. Connor laughed and shook his head, before he wiped away his tears again. 

“You don’t get it, do you?” Connor asked. Evan raised an eyebrow. 

“God, of course you don’t get it,” Connor muttered as he shook his head. 

“Connor, what are you going on about?” Evan asked. 

“I was going to ask you out the same day you told me you kissed Zoe,” Connor said. Evan’s jaw dropped and he looked blankly at Connor. He didn’t know what to say- he didn’t know what to do. Was he hearing Connor correctly?

“I thought you’d look at me like that…” Connor said with a small, sad laugh. 

“Connor no I just… I-” 

“Don’t justify yourself… I understand I just…” Connor was scanning Evan’s face, his eyes shifting rapidly across Evan’s face, his eyes more often than not moving to Evan’s lips. 

“I told Zoe tonight… We got in a huge fight but… I told her… and she thinks I’m going to ruin whatever you two have going on… A-and I’m not going too! Because I’m used to it. I’m used to Zoe getting every fucking thing in the world… and I want my best friend around… Even if you think it might be weird now…. I uh, I promise I won’t make it weird,” Connor said. “She punched me in the lip though… her ring split open my lip just a bit but…” 

Connor’s eyes finally landed on Evan’s lip. Time froze- and they both knew what was going to happen. 

Connor pulled Evan forward and kissed him. Evan didn’t kiss back, but his eyes shut and his entire body just kind of relaxed. Seconds later, Connor pulled away quickly and looked at Evan, shocked at what he had done. 

“Evan I-” 

Evan cut him off, surprising both of them by kissing him again. This time Connor froze in shock, but quickly melted into Evan’s touched and wrapped his arms around Evan’s neck, before just crawling into Evan’s lap. 

Evan held Connor’s hips, his arms slowly sneaking around to hold him close. Connor was still shaking, his hands moving up to cup Evan’s cheeks, and Evan could feel the cold residue from the tears that had been streaming down his cheeks just minutes ago. Evan’s hands reached the hem of Connor’s shirt and slipped under, just staying at the bottom of his bare back. 

In one swift movement, Connor managed to push Evan back on the seat, so Evan was laying down and Connor was straddling on top of him. Evan gasped a bit in surprise, but was quick to recover and wrap his arms around Connor’s neck, bringing Connor down closer to him. 

Connor smiled against Evan’s lips, before his hands went under Evan’s shirt, and snaked upwards, pushing the shirt up and up, before the entire world crashed back down. 

Evan pulled away quickly and pushed Connor’s hands away, bringing his shirt back down. He went to sit up, and Connor quickly got off him and retreated to his own place in the back seat. 

“Connor I-” 

“No I’m sorry… god it was my fault…” Connor muttered. Evan shook his head. 

“No! God no I just… I just…” 

“You like Zoe,” Connor finished promptly. Evan nodded quickly. 

“I can’t do this to her,” Evan said. 

Connor was avoiding Evan’s gaze now. He nodded slowly and ran a hand through his hair. 

“Can you uh, will you be okay to drive me home now? Like, will you go home if I go home? A-and not do anything stupid?” Evan asked. Connor exhaled and nodded. 

“Yeah of course,” Connor said with a small nod. 

Evan helped him fold up the blankets and then the two slipped back into the front seats and after a couple shifting of things, they were back off. 

When they were outside of Evan’s house, Evan looked over at Connor and smiled softly. 

“We’re okay right?” Evan asked.  

Connor smiled small and nodded. 

“Yeah we are… Hey uh, do you you have something for headaches?” Connor asked. 

“Yeah… Come in? I’ll get you some advil,” Evan said with a small nod. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Tomorrow will not be a good day- and here’s why. Tomorrow, you will have to confront your girlfriend, who you completely ignored tonight and decided to make out with her brother instead. You can’t hide things from anyone, and you’re either going to have to end your relationship with your girlfriend, or with your best friend, because you did a horrible thing tonight. I know you want to regret it, and you’re going to apologize so much tomorrow. It’s going to be rough, but that’s not the worst part. _

_ Connor just left, and I want to call him back and get him on my couch, and finish whatever we started. I don’t regret tonight, but I still want Zoe. I still like Zoe, but god Connor is a good kisser.  _

_ Sincerely, your asshole of a best friend,  _

_ Me.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dang fourteen chapters in and you finally get that tree bros action. Dang diggity dang.... 
> 
> But I mean Evan feels like shit now oops. I'm sorry, you're likely reading this cause like you saw the tag Connor Murphy/Evan Hansen and you're just getting Zoe and Evan- but like, it's coming soon I promise.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Zoe smiled as she sat on Evan’s lap, playing with his hair and focusing on his features. Evan forced a small smile, something he had been doing all day since he saw her this morning. 

Evan talked to Zoe before classes started and cleared everything up with her and thank god she wasn’t mad about Evan ignoring her. She understood that Evan was more concerned with Connor, and  _ thanked  _ him for that. Of course, Evan didn’t talk about what they  _ did.  _ He just told her that Connor seemed more desperate, and mentioned how he was going to do something, and Zoe seemed to immediately thank him. She hugged him and smiled and kissed him briefly before leaving for her first class. She still kind of seemed upset, but she didn’t really seem like that now. 

Evan felt horrible for what he and Connor did last night. He hated that he went to kiss him after he kissed Evan first. He hated that he let it get further than just a light little kiss- and he hated that he stopped Connor when he did. 

And he shouldn’t hate himself for having stopped Connor- that should be the one thing he was relieved he did, because sleeping with your girlfriends brother was much worse than just making out with him. Not that they  _ would  _ have slept with each other- that would have just been weird. Connor didn’t seem like the kind to do that though, and Evan wasn’t the kind to do that either, so it wouldn’t have happened. 

Or would it have? Just… in the heat of the moment? Neither of them really processing anything… How would they have done it though? Was Connor a top? God! Why was he thinking about this. 

Connor didn’t make it school today, but he wasn’t concerned. He saw Connor go into the basement as he and Zoe came inside after school. He almost looked sickly, which was kind of concerning, but he smiled and acted as if nothing really happened. It wasn’t unusual for Connor to skip, and he looked okay, so he was probably okay. He was definitely okay. Better than last night when they got to Evan’s anyways. 

Now that it kind of sunk in, Evan kind of felt really bad about dating Zoe- but he liked her a lot, and she liked him. But now Evan knew Connor liked him too, and well, would Evan complain if he got to kiss Connor again? Probably not- but it would not be nice to leave Zoe and just go with her brother two seconds later. Not that Evan would do that! God Evan was not a mean person. He liked to think that anyways, but kissing your girlfriend’s brother, not just kissing but  _ making out  _ with him, while talking to him instead of her over a fight the two siblings had and- 

Oh god this was getting more and more worse as Evan thought about it. 

Zoe was very pretty, Evan noted, as her hand was just casually running through his scalp as her head cocked to the side just a bit. She could tell something up- Evan sucked at hiding stuff and they both knew that. Her blue eyes were scanning his face, and her entire body was relaxed. She had some sort of pop music playing through her stereo softly and very quietly, which was actually quite calming now that he thought about it. 

Zoe’s hair just kind of fell almost perfectly down her shoulder, almost like Connor’s- but his was thinner and had a bit more wave to it. Evan almost liked the thinner hair more. He was judging by the brief experience Evan had with Connor’s hair though. He liked Zoe, he really did. His emotions were all just askew right now. 

Evan leant in and kissed Zoe, wrapping his arms around her waist. She giggled quietly and her hands rested on his shoulders, leaving his hair. She went to pull away, but he pulled her closer again and smiled softly against her lips. 

On the second time Zoe tried to pull away, Evan let her. She was still smiling a half smile. She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and chuckled softly, shaking her head softly. 

“What was that for?” She asked playfully. Evan smiled and shrugged. 

“What? I’m not allowed to kiss my girlfriend?” Evan asked. 

“Well I’m not complaining,” she laughed before kissing him again. Then she pulled away, and suddenly looked really somber. 

There was a split second of hesitation before Zoe got off of Evan’s lap and sat next to him on her bed. They both naturally turned to face each other. 

“Are you okay Evan?” she asked. 

Evan bit his lip. He knew this was coming. What was he supposed to say? Yes? No? He had to tell her. God if he could  _ tell  _ her. 

“Not really?” he said sheepishly. She frowned softly. 

“You can talk to me, you know?” she said. Evan nodded and swallowed. If he spoke he was going to tell her. He didn’t want to tell her. He couldn’t tell her. God he had to tell her. 

“Did something happen last night?” she asked. 

_ Yes. Yes I made out with your brother- and you know what? I liked it! Fuck- Zoe I liked kissing your brother. Does that make me an asshole? He started it. It was mostly him but I let him keep kissing me over and over and over again so it was my fault kind of too.  _

Zoe knitted her eyebrows together and brushed behind Evan’s ear, her hand resting on his shoulder. 

“Evan?” 

He swallowed and stared at her. How was he going to tell her? He needed to tell her, he  _ really  _ needed to tell her. Secrets weren’t fun and oh god he was hyperventilating now- or was he not breathing at all? Zoe looked scared- did he already say something without listening?

“Hey, hey Evan, look at me,” she said softly. “Breath in… slowly. You’re okay.” 

“I-I’m not okay though?” he said hesitantly. 

“You are. It’s just you and me in here. No ones out to hurt you… I’m not mad at you. Everything is okay,” she said, a small trace of a laugh trailing off at the very end of her sentence. Evan shook his head. 

“Not  _ yet  _ anyways,” Evan said as he shifted on Zoe’s bed. He had to tell her. 

“Last night uh…” 

“Evan I know,” she said. 

“You do?” he asked. How did she know?! God- she wasn’t mad at him for that? 

“Yeah of course… I’m glad you went with Connor. I told you… I didn’t want him to do something stupid. I had my mom, he had no one,” she said with a small shrug. 

Oh. 

Evan shook his head. 

“It’s uh, not that…” Evan said, looking down and picking at a hangnail on his thumb. He had to tell her now. He’s implied it. He looked up at Zoe, who was just looking more and more confused by the second. 

_ Goodbye Zoe. It’s been nice.  _

“C-Conner I just I… we were talking i-in his car and then suddenly… I don’t even know how it happened but god Zoe  _ please  _ don’t be mad…” Evan started. 

“Evan I won’t be mad,” she said. 

“We… I uh… check your text messages,” he said as the idea popped into his head. She raised an eyebrow and took her phone out slowly. Evan took his out and typed out the message, hesitated, then sent it. Before she could even read it, Evan was standing up and practically in the furthest corner of Zoe’s room, away from her. 

Zoe read it and her face fell. She looked up at Evan and down to the message. Evan bit his lip and he was vibrating. She wasn’t doing or saying anything. 

“Zoe I-I’m really sorry… I just… I…” Evan stuttered out. Zoe shook her head. 

“Did you kiss him first?” She asked. 

“W-what?” 

“Did you kiss him first?” she asked, more sternly this time. 

Evan shook his head. Connor kissed him first. Oh god… She scowled and shook her head. 

“Did you kiss him back?” Zoe asked. 

Evan sighed. 

“Yes?” he admitted. She looked away from him and stood up, running a hand through her hair. 

“Did you like it?” she asked. 

_ Oh God Zoe just get to the point where you slap me and kick me out of your house please. I know what’s coming so just rip the bandaid off. Nice and quick.  _

“Yes.” 

Zoe took a sharp breath of air in and turned away from Evan. She wiped away at her face. 

“Do you like  _ me?”  _ she asked, turning back to face Evan. 

Unlike every other question, Evan didn’t even hesitate. 

“More than you could possibly know,” he said surely with a small nod. His muscles wouldn’t let him move any more than that. 

“Do you like him?” 

“N-no more… no more than a friend,” Evan said. She looked away again, leaving the two in a painstakingly silent silence. 

Slowly she turned around and took three giant strides to Evan, stopping directly in front of him. They looked each other in the eyes, both of them unmoving, both of them not saying a thing but words clawing their way up their throats. 

“I’m not mad at you,” she said. 

“You’re not mad?” Evan asked, his entire body just suddenly relaxing. 

“Oh I’m furious- just not at you,” Zoe said. 

“Oh.” 

Zoe wrapped her arms around Evan’s neck and kissed him roughly. It was a sloppy kiss and Zoe was pressing her face way too harshly against his own but it told Evan that his relationship was okay- and that was all he wanted. All he wanted was to be okay with Zoe, and to be okay with Connor. He was okay. God he was okay. 

“Connor’s going to hear it from me though,” she snapped. “It’s one thing to know about it, it’s another thing to find out he  _ acted  _ on it.” 

“What?”

“I know he likes you… I just found out last night but… I just didn’t think he would act on it at all but fuck he’s clearly an idiot.” 

“Zoe please. He was in rough shape last night. He won’t do it again- I know he won’t do it again. Just leave it? Please?” Evan said. 

Zoe sighed and kissed him again. 

“Fine. Only because I like you,” she said, running a hand down his arm. 

“Thank you Zoe.” 

“Don’t mention it,” she said softly, her eyes avoiding his. 

 

Come a week later, everything seemed okay. He, Connor, Zoe and Jared still ate lunch in the computer lab. Mr Ross didn’t seem too keen on the fact that Evan was suddenly bringing a bigger crowd into the computer lab, but he didn’t say anything. Evan made sure the classroom was clean before he left every day and they had started sitting at the table that mysteriously didn’t have any computers set up on it, so if anything did spill, it wouldn’t be over a computer. 

There was tension between the Murphy siblings. Evan knew there was, before neither of them would ever directly talk to each other. They barely look at each other either, and when they did it was cold glares. 

Zoe also had gotten kind of clingy. Evan didn’t know if he liked that very much, but he understood why it was happening. If he found out his girlfriend made out with his sibling he’d probably be the same way. He kind of wished she could trust him enough that he could be alone with Connor for two seconds while at their house. Even the one time Connor tried to come over to Evan’s, Zoe ended up tagging along. 

Even didn’t say anything about it. It was kind of getting on his nerves. Connor was still his friend after all, and he missed just hanging out with him. He thought it would only last a couple days, but Zoe wasn’t showing any signs of calming down anytime soon. 

Zoe gave Evan’s hand a squeeze and looked over at him. It was the last day of school before winter break, and the four were sat in the computer lab like usual. Zoe’s shoulder was brushing against his. 

“Do you want to do something after school? Before we leave for six days?” Zoe asked. 

“Oh uh…” 

“Evan and I were actually going to hang out,” Connor spoke up. 

“Oh. Really?” she asked, turning to Evan with a small quirked eyebrow. 

“Yeah we were going to get pizza,” he said. 

“I’ll tag along! Pizza sounds fun,” Zoe said. 

Evan and Connor exchanged a look. Evan wasn’t going to deny Zoe coming, but he knew Connor wouldn’t want it. 

A second of tense built, before Connor scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

“Have fun then you too. I hope it’s not too cold for you two to walk there and back,” he said coldly, glancing at Evan for a brief second before grabbing his bag and storming off. 

Evan didn’t see him for the rest of the day. He was probably off getting high. 

And as Zoe and him were making out on his couch after school instead of getting pizza with his best friend, Evan was silently wishing he was sitting beside him as he was getting high, because at least then he could talk to him before not being able to see him for a week over the break. Possibly longer. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're halfway done this book. And I've been writing this for less than a month. Wow. This is legit the fastest I've ever written something- maybe I'll actually finish a multi chaptered book! 
> 
> The symbolism of the rain has completely been lost from my original concept, but I don't particularly care. Also the chapters are short as heck, I know but oh well.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING   
> There is mentions of suicide in this chapter, so please be aware of that. There will be a very brief summary at the end in my notes, so please be aware of that.

Evan hummed softly, warming his numb hands on the now hot pot, flexing them back and forth. It was getting late now- around nine pm, and Evan was just waiting for his mother to get home. It was New Year’s Eve, and Heidi was going to be home for once. He was excited, but god was he cold. 

It snowed quite a bit today, and Evan had just finished shoveling the front walkway. It wouldn’t surprise Evan if he had to shovel again in the morning, likely before Connor came over. They decided not to tell Zoe that they were hanging out. Sure, she had calmed down a bit since they kissed a week ago, but she still didn’t seem to trust the two at all. 

Evan sighed softly as he poured milk into the pot, and then added cocoa powder and sugar. 

He was just pouring the hot chocolate into his mug when Heidi walked in. Evan smiled as she came into the kitchen, wrapping Evan up in a big hug. She seemed freezing too. 

“The heater in the car broke,” she announced sadly as she poured the second half of the hot chocolate into another mug for herself. “Of course on the coldest day of the year.”

“That’s uh, that’s rough,” Evan said with a small huff as he sat down at the breakfast bar. She nodded and sipped the hot chocolate. 

“How was your day? Have you eaten yet?” she asked, setting the mug down and taking her jacket off, walking passed Evan to put her jacket onto the dining table. Evan shook his head- he hadn’t eaten. At all today, or yesterday, now that he thought about it. 

She sighed and shook her head. 

“Well we can’t order anything now,” she said. Heidi made her way to the fridge and opened it. She tutted softly as she scanned through the fridge, her hip cocking to the side. 

“Do we have frozen pizza downstairs?” she asked. 

Evan thought for a minute, looking down at his drink, focusing mostly on warming up his hands on his hot chocolate. He just couldn’t get the chill out of him. 

“We might yeah,” Evan said with a small shrug. “Do you want frozen pizza? I could probably go for something else- I think we have microwaved dinners in the freezer up here, don’t we?” 

Heidi frowned and opened the freezer before pulling out an alfredo pasta packet, and a lemon chicken one. 

“These are what we have,” she said. 

“The alfredo is good for me,” Evan said. 

She nodded and started preparing the two meals. 

As the microwave hummed softly, the two drank their hot chocolates, pretty much in silence. Evan wasn’t really sure what to say, and it was clear his mom had a long day. He didn’t really know if she was up to talking right now. 

“How was Zoe and Connor’s ski trip? They just got back the other day, didn’t they?” Heidi asked, breaking the silence as the meals ticked down to one more minute to be heated up. 

“Yeah. Uh, Connor’s coming over tomorrow- he hasn’t talked about it much, but Zoe had fun by the sounds of it,” Evan said with a small nod. Zoe did have fun, however Evan knew for a fact that Connor annoyed her quite a bit over the break, and the amount of times she ranted about him each night was kind of overwhelming. At one point Evan just gave up on actually reading the texts she sent. Connor was his friend after all, and as much as he liked Zoe, he liked Connor too. Connor was his friend- but it seemed that Zoe had forgotten about that. 

“What’re the two doing tonight?” she asked. Evan shrugged. 

“Zoe is at a party with her friends, and Connor is probably just hanging out at home,” Evan said with a small casual shrug. 

The microwave went off, and Heidi handed him his microwave food. He thanked her and stirred up the contents. He was kind of regretting not getting the pizza from the freezer now. Still, he didn’t complain, and still ate the food. They didn’t really talk, just quickly ate and then disposed of the containers. 

 

**[9:43 PM] From Connor**

_ I don’t know if I’ll make it tomorrow  _

 

**[9:56 PM] To Connor**

_ Why?  _

 

Evan frowned as he moved to sit in the living room. Heidi sat down beside him and curled up in the corner, turning on the movies on demand screen. 

Heidi glanced over at him, before she started to scroll through the holiday section. 

“Everything okay?” she asked. Evan glanced up at her, and then shrugged, before looking down on his phone. He sighed and shook his head. 

“Nothing? Just uh, Connor… texting me, he might have to cancel? Tomorrow? Yeah uh, it’s nothing really,” Evan said, trying to keep a casual tone but really he was kind of disappointed. He saw Zoe yesterday, and he really wanted to see Connor. God he missed Connor. A lot. More than he probably should, considering he was just a friend. His best friend. His  _ only _ real friend who frequently and willingly talked to him. 

Who smelt good. 

And who was a pretty good kisser- even with the situation it happened was considered. Connor’s lips probably didn’t taste as salty when he wasn’t crying. 

 

**[10:02 PM] From Connor**

_ I’m just feeling kind of sick  _

 

**[10:05 PM] From Connor**

_ I don’t want to get you sick or anything and I should probably rest honestly.  _

 

**[10:05 PM] From Connor**

_ It would be rude to your girlfriend anyways. I’ve done a lot of horrible things recently and I think I’m done with that now.  _

 

Evan sighed and glanced up as Heidi scrolled through the movies. 

“You can pick something…” Evan said dismissively. “I’ll uh, I will just be right back… Just gotta grab my uh, phone charger,” Evan said as he got up from the couch. She nodded and continued to scroll while Evan made his way upstairs. 

He sighed as he sat down on the edge of his bed and opened the messages again. 

 

**[10:11 PM] To Connor**

_ Okay. We’ll just reschedule then? _

 

Evan didn’t get a reply. He waited for another five or so minutes and nothing. He decided not to wait though. There was no point. Maybe he was sleeping? Not really in the spirit of new years eve, but at least he was getting rest when he was sick. 

He hummed softly as he washed his hands, so he could pretend he actually did something besides hopelessly waiting for a text message from Connor. 

He made his way downstairs and sat back down, staring at the a screen blankly. 

“Are you okay Evan?” Heidi asked as the opening credits of whatever christmas themed movie she was playing. It was their last shot at watching Christmas movies before Evan would feel really wrong about it, and he didn’t want to ruin that. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine just uh, gotta reschedule with Connor now,” Evan said with a small shrug. She frowned softly and put her hand reassuringly on his knee. 

“Why?” 

“He just uh, doesn’t feel well… I guess,” Evan said. “He’s really not replying so I don’t really know.” 

“That’s a shame honey,” she said softly. 

“It’s whatever, I guess,” Evan said shortly, turning his attention to the movie. 

If he could just pretend he wasn’t disappointed, maybe he wouldn’t be. It wasn’t like Connor hated him. He hoped Connor didn’t hate him- that would be the worst. He really hoped Connor wasn’t just blowing him off because Zoe found out and got mad. God he hoped that wasn’t the case. He liked Zoe. He really did- but this was getting a bit crazy. He wanted his friend alone sometimes. It wasn’t like they were going to go off and kiss each other again. Neither of them were like that. Neither of them had malicious intents. 

His phone buzzed, bringing him out of his thoughts. He quickly opened it, hoping it was Connor replying to him, but his face dropped as he saw it was just from Zoe. 

His face should not have dropped like that because of Zoe. 

 

**[10:44 PM] From Zoe**

_ Hey Ev! I’m at a party right now but do you want to do something tomorrow? I’m free and won’t want to be alone all day. We could go see a movie or something?  _

 

Evan frowned and turned off his phone, putting on the table in front of him. He didn’t want to think about hanging out with Zoe tomorrow. He wanted to hang out with Connor. He hadn’t gotten to hang out and just be friends with Connor for over three weeks now, and he missed it. 

He shook it off and focused on the movie, as much as he could. He didn’t know what movie it was- but it seemed confusing right now. Maybe if he had payed attention from the start, he would know why Santa was dead on the ground, and why this dude was trying to do Santa’s job. 

The movie passed by, both of them kind of loosing interest as the time passed. Evan resorted to playing a farming game on his phone, curled up in the corner of their couch, while Heidi was doing work, sitting on the floor, hunched over the table. 

Neither of them even noticed it was passed midnight until Evan got a text message from Zoe. 

 

**[12:08 PM] From Zoe**

_ Happy New Year!!! _

 

“Oh uh, happy new year mom,” Evan said, looking up from his phone as her message disappeared, becoming one with his few notifications up at the top of his screen. 

“Is it midnight already?” she asked, looking up from the papers scrawled across the table. 

“Ten past, actually,” he said with a small shrug. “Guess we missed the midnight window,” he laughed. 

“Well, happy new year!” she said, standing up. “We have sparkling cider- do you want sparkling cider? I think we have peach,” she said as she stood up and brushed off her pants, before making her way to the kitchen. 

Evan yawned, stretched a bit, and then followed her into the kitchen as Heidi was grabbing the bottle from the fridge. 

“Do you want to open it?” she asked. 

“No, go ahead, I’ll grab glasses,” Evan said with a small nod. He didn’t like the loud  _ pop _ it made when it was opened. Even when he was expecting it it still made him-

Evan jumped as the  _ pop _ sound came, and Heidi returned. He almost dropped the tall glass in his hand. He set both the glasses down and made room for Heidi to pour. She poured enough into each glass that the juice was almost to the rim of the glass. She was really trying to empty the bottle of the cider out so none of it was wasted. 

They both sipped it down enough so they could walk into the living room, the bottle of the remaining peach cider in Heidi’s other hand, and they returned to their spots as if nothing happened. Heidi put on the food network, where a cake decorating contest was going on, and they both returned to their previous activities. 

 

**[12:16 AM] To Zoe**

_ Happy new year  _

 

Evan sighed and hesitated for a brief moment before opening up his chat with Connor. He typed something out, deleted it, and then typed something new and sent it. 

 

**[12:18 AM] To Connor**

_ Happy new year! Are you feeling any better? _

 

Half an hour and no reply later, Evan decided he was going to go to bed. He was tired, and hadn’t been sleeping all break, and he was hoping maybe to actually sleep tonight. 

So he said his good nights, and then took the blanket he was wrapped around upstairs and put it on his bed. 

He fumbled with his phone in the dark, trying to plug it in. He didn’t bother with brushing his teeth, he would do that in the morning, he was just really tired. 

And luckily, the minute his head touched the pillow, he was whisked off to sleep. 

 

There was a buzzing. A loud, weird buzz that seemed unnatural. It ended and Evan rolled over. He rubbed his eyes and looked at his alarm clock.  _ 3:32 _ . Was that an alarm going off? Why would an alarm be going off? 

Evan rolled over again and sighed, closing his eyes. The buzzing happened again. He rolled over and noticed it was his phone. He picked it up and looked at the screen. 

_ Why was Connor calling him? _

Evan hesitated before picking his phone up. 

“Connor? Is uh, everything okay?” Evan asked, clearing his throat shortly after. 

He was greeted with heavy breathing and a slight sniffle. 

“Connor?” he asked again, rolling onto his back and unplugging his phone from his charger. 

“ _ Evan _ …” Connor said shakily. Evan furrowed his eyebrows and sat up. 

“Connor? Are you okay?” 

There was silence, some slight shifting on the other end. 

“ _ No. Not at all _ ,” Connor said finally. He sounded like he was crying. 

“Why?” 

There was silent again, and Connor started sobbing louder. Evan didn’t know what to do. Did he say something else? Did Connor hear him the first time? Did he- 

“ _ Why can’t I do it, _ ” Connor asked. 

“What? Do what Connor?” Evan asked, swinging his legs over his bed. 

“ _ Fuck… _ ” 

“Connor? C-come on, talk to me… please?” Evan asked. He was getting worried. What was Connor getting on about here? 

“ _ I can’t do it… I could do it before! Fuck Evan… why am I such a fuck up? _ ” Connor asked. 

“Connor… What, what are you talking about?”

“ _ I’ve… I’ve hung myself… I’ve tried… I’ve slit my wrists hoping it would do  _ something.  _ Fuck! I even tried getting alcohol poisoning and taking crazy drugs… I jumped off a bridge when I was fourteen… yet I… I can’t fucking swallow a bottle of pills… Evan… why can’t I swallow a bottle of pills? They’re just fucking pills! _ ” Connor rambled on, sobbing between words. 

Evan’s blood grew cold and he froze, sitting on the edge of his bed as Connor sobbed on the other end, muttering now incoherent words, probably about the same situation. 

“C-Connor?” Evan squeaked. “Connor where are you right now?”

“ _ A-at the barn… fuck it’s cold Evan… I am so cold… I didn’t think it would… I didn’t think it would take this long for me to grow a pair and fucking swallow them. I should be dead by now! But I… I can’t even swallow the pills… I can’t swallow  _ anything.” 

“Connor? Connor listen I uh, I’m on my way okay? D-don’t do… anything please? I’m coming uh, you’re going to be okay? Okay? I’m coming… I’ll be there in a minute just…  _ please  _ Connor? I’ll be there in a minute… a-and everything will be okay, okay?” Evan said. His eyes were burning now and he was shaking, so badly he had to grip his phone so it wouldn’t fall from his hand. 

He was frozen on the edge of his bed. 

“ _ I don’t want to live Evan… I don’t. Not anymore, _ ” Connor said after a painfully long silence. 

“Fuck! Fuck Connor please… I’m on my way just…  _ please  _ hold on. Don’t do anything…  _ please, _ ” Evan said. 

“ _ I don’t want to hold on any longer… _ ” Connor said quietly. “ _ I just- _ ” 

And the call ended. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the cliffhanger. I had to split the chapter into three as it was going to be extremely long if I left it the way it is. I know it's hard to deal, especially because I've been busy with school for the past two weeks. I'm going to try and not leave everyone waiting for the next two chapters too too long. Thank you for sticking around! 
> 
> As for the summary of the chapter:   
> Evan celebrates the new year with his mom in their house alone. He gets a text from Connor, cancelling their plans the next day and doesn't really give him a reason, and then he stops replying. The night drifts on though. Evan gets kind of frustrated with Zoe when she texts him, asking if he wants to do something the next day together. He goes to bed after midnight for the new year and then at three am, gets a call from Connor who is clearly distraught, telling Evan about how he was struggling to end it all. The call goes dead as Connor says how he's done with life.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> There is mentions of suicide throughout this chapter, so be aware of that as you proceed.

Evan stared blankly at his wall, still shaking. What was he supposed to do? He had to go get Connor. He didn’t have a car. He had his learners license though and he knew how to drive. He just didn’t like it but _fuck._  

He snapped into action, putting on socks and a hoodie over his pyjamas, before grabbing his phone from his bed and then rushing downstairs. He grabbed his moms keys from the key hook in the kitchen, and then went to the closet beside the bathroom and grabbed the first warm, fuzzy blanket he laid eyes on.

He unlocked the door and left, barely having time to slip on his sneakers, which he was probably going to regret choosing to wear.

After he turned on the car, he sent his mom a quick text, probably littered with typos but Evan couldn’t be bothered to proofread it. He told her he just left, there was an emergency and he took her car. Or cat. Depending on how accurate his typing was.

He pulled out of the driveway and drove. He was speeding, a little bit. He hated the entire idea of having to speed but _fuck_ Connor was in trouble and he had to get to him as quickly as he could.

“ _Please be okay Connor… Please be okay…_ ” He muttered, gripping the steering wheel and pressing on the gas more as he got closer and closer to the highway.

It was scarily quiet in the car. Evan could hear his heartbeat beating in the temples of his head, in his chest, coursing through every single vein of his body. His hands were shaking. His head was pounding.

_Had Connor done it?_

He hoped not. God he hoped not. He didn’t know what he would do! He didn’t want to see Connor sprawled across the floor, vomit spilling out of his mouth. Oh god… blood vessels popped in his eyes… whatever else would happen. He didn’t know what he would do.

Would he try and carry him to his car and drag him to the hospital? He didn’t know the address of the old orchard. He didn’t know how he could direct the ambulance to the orchard.

Evan gasped, and slammed on the breaks. His head hit the steering wheel and it took him a minute to collect his thoughts. Something had run across the road. He didn’t know what, and he couldn’t see it, but he was okay. Whatever ran across was okay too.

He took a shaky, but deep breath and shook his hands out, relaxing as much as he could.

He was okay. Connor was going to be okay. He was going to get to Connor, and he’d bring Connor home and Connor would be okay. Everything would be okay he just had to drive and get to the orchard.

He started driving again. His head hurt now, and his entire body was shaking even more now.

_He will be okay. He will be okay. He will be okay._

Evan swallowed as he turned on the back road where the entrance would be, slowing down to the speeding limit now that he had to watch for the parking lot, and then for the hidden entrance they always use.  

He tried dialing Connor’s number as he drove down the road, but it went straight to voicemail. Straight to voicemail was good though. He either declined the message… or maybe his phone was just dead. That would explain why it went straight to voicemail. If Connor was passed out… His phone would keep ringing.

God he hoped he wasn’t too late.

Evan pulled up and parked right behind Connor’s car. His car was here. He could probably be okay. God he wanted Connor to be okay.

He was almost there, Connor. Just hold on.

_Please be okay._

Evan shut off the car and grabbed the blanket from the passenger seat. He didn’t bother locking the car once he got out, and even left the keys in the car. He didn’t have time.

He got out and made his way to the fence. The snow was mostly untouched by human footprints, and Evan was growing nervous for the hike to the barn. There probably wouldn’t be a path and god he was wearing his cheap sneakers.

Evan slipped through the fence and then started power walking towards the path. It was cold. It was really cold and he didn’t bring gloves or a hat or even a proper jacket now that he thought about it.

He shook his head as he did his best to follow Connor’s footprints from earlier to avoid as much fresh snow as he could, but with rushing to get there and being too focused on thinking about Connor to really care. The snow was soaking into his shoes and his toes were already going numb and his nose was running he was only halfway to the barn now but he felt miserable.

And that just got worse as he got closer and closer. It was silent on the other side of the barn door. There was no loud sobbing like what Evan had heard over the phone, but maybe he was just too far to hear it.

As he got closer, he sped up and before he knew it, he was standing in front of  the barn. It was silent. It was for sure silent.

He hesitated, staring at the door with burning, watery eyes. He blinked them away and braced himself for what he was about to see. Connor wasn’t going to be okay, no matter what… It was just a matter of how far gone he was.

He could be too far gone.

Evan was shaking- partly to nerves and partly to the cold. He grabbed the handle and gave it a slight pull, and then yanked it harder, trying to get the door to open. The stupid snow built up around the door was making it impossible.

Again, he hesitated before slipping into the barn.

It was dark. Darker than it was outside because at least outside they had the moonlight. There was a flashlight though, in the middle of the first level of hay, pointing towards Evan. Connor was sitting there. He could make out his figure.

Evan started approaching him slowly. He wasn’t getting a reaction from Connor, and he was scared to see him up close. One he made it to the hay however, Evan scrambled across it and got right up to Connor.

He was okay.

As far as Evan could tell.

He was sitting cross legged, his back hunched over with something clutched tightly in his hands. He was visibly shaking and he wasn’t dressed for the weather.

Evan draped the blanket over Connor’s shoulders, and he finally crumbled and without warning. Connor collapsed against Evan, resting his head on Evan’s shoulder and he started loudly sobbing again. He heard Connor drop whatever he was holding. He knew it was a bottle of pills, but he didn’t say anything, he just wrapped an arm around Connor’s shoulder and let him sob. He wrapped an arm around Connor and made sure the blanket didn’t fall off of him.

Connor cried and cried and they were both shaking and they were cold and it wouldn’t surprise Evan if Connor’s face was frozen, but he didn’t try to talk. Connor was okay- and that was what mattered.

Eventually, Evan shifted and hugged Connor, and Connor just kind of crawled into his lap and wrapped his arms around his waist, and sobbed even louder, hiding his face in Evan’s jacket. Evan rubbed his back and at one point, as Connor was slowly showing signs of calming down, Evan started tearing up too. He never actually started crying, but he was close.

Evan adjusted the blanket around Connor, pulling it tighter around him.

They must have sat there for at least a half an hour with Evan embracing him and Connor wordlessly crying.

“I couldn’t… do it… I couldn’t do it Evan!” Connor sobbed, holding him even tighter as he finally broke the silence. Evan’s lower jaw was chattering and he rested his chin against the top of Connors cold, somewhat greasy and unwashed hair.

Evan didn’t know what to say. He just held him and rubbed his back slowly.

“I just… I don’t _want_ to live… I just… I could do it! I could do it… so many times… so… _many…_ times… I’ve tried… I did it… just without- without any hesitation… and now I just- I just can’t! I can’t swallow the pills… I can’t do it Evan… I can’t… I can’t… I just…”

Evan hushed him softly.

“You’re okay though…” Evan said, his voice cracking. “You’re alive and okay Connor.”

“I’m not though…” Connor sobbed. “Everything was looking up and then…. And then you just… you started dating Z-zoe and… then I was losing you, and Jared is just- Jared… He’s k-kind of annoying… God and I was busted for smoking and my _door_ isn’t even on its hinge and _fuck_ …” Connor rambled on.

“You hate me, don’t you?” Connor asked.

“N-no! _God_ no Connor… I… I miss you… hanging out with you… a lot,” Evan said softly.

“I regret… _so much…_ ” Connor muttered.

“I’m sorry I-”

“Connor,” Evan stopped him, before clearing his throat. “Connor please don’t start apologizing. That’s uh, that really not what you need to do? I understand it’s just… not right now, okay?”

Connor paused before nodding and leaning back in to hug Evan once more. Evan rubbed his back once more and they were engulfed in silence once more.

“Connor I uh, I hate to do this… but I’m cold… and tired,” Evan said. Connor laughed dryly and wiped at what he could at his face.

“I’m cold too…” Connor said quietly. He definitely looked cold and felt cold.

“Will you... be okay?” Evan asked.

Connor hesitated before shaking his head slowly.

“Can I come over? Keep an eye on me for the day?” Connor asked. “Please?”

“Come on,” Evan said quietly with a small nod.

Connor could stay with him for a week if he needed too. Evan was just happy he was okay. As happy as he could in the moment anyways. He was still shaken up, and he was scared for what was to come, and he was cold. God he was freezing. But Connor was okay for now, and really that’s what he cared about.

Evan was the first to stand up and brush the hay off of himself, and Connor followed suit, the blanket Evan brought still wrapped around him tightly. Evan wrapped an arm around Connor’s shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly.

He kept his arm around Connor the entire walk back to the cars.

They stood in front of Evan’s moms car and turned to look at each other.

“Let’s uh, take my car? You shouldn’t really be driving,” Evan said hesitantly.

Connor glanced between his car and Evan’s, before shaking his head.

“I’ll follow behind you… I just don’t want to leave my car, y’know?” Connor asked.

Evan hesitated, looking between the two cars and Connor with a look of concern. He didn’t really want to leave Connor alone in his car on the drive back to Evans’. He could easily drive his car off of the road, or crash into a tree purposely in an attempt to end it all. He didn’t want that.

“Evan… please… I’ll see you back at your house,” Connor said. He was looking at Evan pleadingly. “I’ll be okay…”

“Promise me?” Evan asked.

Connor hesitated. Evan furrowed his eyebrows and frowned.

“Connor… please… promise me uh, promise me I’ll see you _safely_ back at my house,” Evan asked. Connor nodded, still seeming hesitant.

Evan bit his lower lip. He didn’t know if he could trust Connor. He wanted to- he really wanted to trust him. The way Connor was looking at him showed he wouldn’t do anything stupid. He could believe Connor. He hoped he could believe Connor.

God Evan was cold. He needed to make a decision because both the teens were probably freezing to death.

“O-okay but… you drive ahead of me,” Evan said.

Connor sighed but nodded.

“Alright,” Connor replied with a small nod.

 

Evan was still freezing as he pulled up, thankfully safe, into the driveway of his house. Connor was waiting in his car still as Evan got out, and Connor quickly got out and ran over to Evan once he got out, hugging him again, as if Connor hadn’t seen Evan in years and he thought he was dead.

Dead.

Death.

Evan didn’t want to think about that right now.

He hugged Connor back, luckily there were no tears this time, before he took Connor’s hand and lead him up towards his house.

Evan tried the door and found it unlocked, so he quietly slipped in with Connor. This was proven futile though, as Heidi quickly rushed in from the lit kitchen in her pyjamas, looking at the two disapprovingly.

“Where the _hell_ have you been Evan? It’s nearly eight in the morning and I haven’t heard a _word_ from you since you texted me- which made _no sense_ by the way! I was worried sick I-” Heidi stopped herself as she met Connor’s eyes. She looked between the two, before her expression softened.

“Mom… can we talk later? Please?” Evan asked. She nodded.

“You two look freezing... I’ll make some hot chocolate… Evan, turn on the heater in the living room?” she said.

Evan nodded, not wanting to fight with her mother. He brought Connor to the living room and turned on the electric fireplace before grabbing more blankets from the closet. Now that they were in proper lighting, Evan could finally see Connor’s face, which was pale and bright red. His cheeks looked frozen and raw, and snot and tears were frozen all over his face.

He handed Connor a warm cloth for his face, before unfolding most of the blankets and wrapping them around him and then Evan sat right beside Connor and wrapped the remaining of the blankets, as well as some of Connor’s around him too.

Connor kept the warm cloth on his face until the water of it went cold, and then it just kind of dropped on the floor. He put his head on Evan’s chest as Heidi returned with two mugs. Evan took them both, before handing one to Connor. He was shaking a lot more than Evan was now and Evan thought it was more than just the cold that was freaking him out.

Evan frowned softing and put his arm around Connor, sipping his own hot chocolate. He was tired, and Connor looked tired too, but Evan wasn’t going to fall asleep.

“I’m sorry Evan…” Connor said quietly. “For everything. I’ve done so much _shit_ and I’m just a fuck up…. I shouldn’t have dragged you into this I should have just-”

“C-Connor please…” Evan said quietly. “Drink your hot chocolate and warm up. We can talk later just… please… uh, just get warm.”

Connor sighed and nodded, drinking his hot chocolate as quickly as he could. When he was done, Connor curled up closer to Evan and fell asleep. Evan stayed there on the couch, with his arm wrapped around Connor. Connor snored softly and at one point, Heidi returned, having showered, and took the mugs away. She sat down on the armchair and looked at Evan with concern swimming through her eyes.

“Evan what happened?” she asked, keeping his voice down low out of fear of waking up Connor, who seemed to be sleeping peacefully, but still lightly. He could be woken up with just a slight shift of Evan’s body.

“He… uh… tried to… he tried to uh,” Evan started, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Heidi nodded though, frowning softly.

“I know what you’re trying to say… Is he okay? He’s not… bleeding?” she asked. Evan shook his head.

“I got there before he did anything and uh, he uh, didn’t do anything… H-he was crying and freezing but uh, nothing uh really happened? He was going on about how uh, how he couldn’t do it? Like- he couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it? I think uh, I’m going to tell Zoe about what happened… maybe she’ll talk to their parents and uh, get him some help,” Evan rambled on, keeping as quiet at he could be. He didn’t look at Connor, instead focusing on the ground while he rubbed his hand up and down Connor’s shoulder subconsciously.

She nodded slowly.

“Should I cancel my shift? I can stay home with you two today if you want,” she offered.

Evan knew she wanted to be here to help, and he knew that she was worried about the two. However, he shook his head slowly.

“I want to be alone with him I think today Mom… just… he won’t talk if you’re here?” Evan asked. She nodded grimly, before standing up.

“Call me if something happens, okay Evan? And talk to his parents… Keep both of you safe. I love you,” she said. Evan nodded.

“I love you too.”

Connor shifted closer to Evan, and made a small sound, but still slept on, undisturbed, and slowly stopped shaking altogether. His face was soft and slowly regaining a bit more colour and even though Evan wanted to be able to sleep and get some rest, he couldn’t help but stay awake and watched Connor, somewhat out of fear that when he woke up Connor would be gone, and then mostly because Connor was okay, and he just wanted to take that all in.

Connor was okay. Broken, and likely unpredictable, but he was okay. He was alive, and breathing and Evan wasn’t losing his best friend. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t let that happen.

As long as he could help it.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Connor was still sleeping contently three hours later. Evan hoped it was contently, anyways. He couldn’t really see his face as all. It was covered with his hair, and half of Connor’s face was digging into his shoulder. Evan hadn’t moved at all, not wanting to disturb Connor. 

He didn’t know what to do. Did he tell his family about what happened? That seemed like the right thing to do. He didn’t know if Connor was already getting help or not. Didn’t Connor say he could easily do it before? 

Evan didn’t like to think about that. 

He rested his head against the top of Connor’s and closed his eyes. He was exhausted, and he had tried sleeping, but it was futile. He was simply bound to stay up all day now, and even though his tired eyes fought with that fact, he just accepted it. 

The clock was reaching eleven am now. Connor shifted slightly and Evan sighed, rubbing his hand up and down Connor’s arm once. 

With Evan’s free hand, he reached for his phone in his pocket and unlocked it. Zoe had texted him a few times, as well as several calls and texts from his mother, but he didn’t want to look at those right now. 

He dialed Zoe’s number and put the phone up to his ear. He didn’t want to text- especially since what he needed to talk about was so serious. 

It rang four times before Zoe picked up. 

“ _ Hey Evan, _ ” Zoe said. She sounded a bit distraught. Evan glanced at Connor and rubbed his shoulder again. He had a feeling he knew why. 

“Hey uh, Connor is here,” Evan said. He kept his tone down, not wanting to wake him. He was probably sound asleep at this point though. 

“ _ He is! Oh thank god Evan I… we… _ ” Zoe said. Evan smiled softly. 

“I uh, got a call from him at like three? And uh, he’s here… He’s been here for a couple hours uh, sleeping… He’s okay but uh, I think we need to talk?” Evan said. 

There was a pause on the other side of the line. He could hear Zoe breath heavily on the other end. 

“ _ Did he… _ ” 

“Yeah? Yeah… Come over? We should talk here…” Evan said. “Or uh, in person,” Evan quickly corrected. 

“ _ I’ll be right over. Half an hour, _ ” she said, before hanging up. 

Evan sighed softly and adjusted his position as minorly as he could. 

It wasn’t until Zoe texted him, saying she just got off her bus that Evan shook Connor awake. He was startled, judging by the way he jumped up. He looked around, almost panicked, before his eyes landed on Evan. 

“I’m not dead?” Connor asked. Evan shook his head lightly. 

“Did I… dream all of that?” he asked again, which Evan shook his head once more. 

“No… It… all happened… Connor…” Evan started. 

“Not right now… please Evan…” Connor said softly. Evan nodded. He didn’t want to make Connor uncomfortable. 

There was silence for a minute, before Connor sat up more. That was when Evan noticed his arm was still around Connor, and he quickly pulled it away. The two shared a small smile and a glance before Evan untangled himself from the blankets and stood up, stretching. 

“Can I take a shower?” Connor asked. 

“Yeah uh, just use the one down here… The showerhead is kind of broken but it’s fully functional,” Evan said. Connor nodded and stood up before making his way towards the bathroom. 

“Oh and uh Connor?” 

“Yes?” 

“Can you maybe uh, not lock the door? Like I’m not going to barge in on you or anything I just don’t want you to uh, be stuck in there… if uh… if something happens….” Evan asked sheepishly, trying to justify his statement in the nicest way possible. Connor huffed and rolled his eyes before nodding. 

“Yeah. I can do that,” he said, a hint of annoyance seeping through his voice. 

“Connor I just… wanna make sure you’re okay,” Evan said. Connor nodded again. 

“I know it’s just… fuck I’m not a baby, you know? Like- I didn’t do it at the barn and I would  _ never  _ do it in your shower,” Connor scoffed. 

Evan bit his lip and shrunk back away from the other. He looked down and picked at his nails. 

“I know I just…” Evan said quietly. 

“Shouldn’t that bring enough trust?” Connor asked. 

“W-whatever… J-just… go ahead… uh, go ahead and uh, lock the door… I don’t… I don’t really care uh, anyways,” Evan said with a small shrug. 

When he looked up, Connor was staring right back at him with furrowed eyebrows and a small frown. Evan bit his lip and sighed. 

“I care about you,” Evan said quietly. 

Connor nodded slowly, before he turned on his heels and making his way down the hallway to the washroom. 

Evan took a shaky breath and shook out his hands, before sitting back down on the couch. He rubbed his hands on his pyjamas pants and looked around. He was shaking. God- why was he shaking? 

Because his best friend just snapped at him? Because he was taking a shower behind a locked door?  Because… 

Because he knew one day he could lose his only friend to his own thoughts and feelings if he didn’t get help. 

Luckily Zoe knocked on the door a minute later, giving Evan no time to think about anything else. He got up and unlocked the door, letting her into his home. 

She kicked off her boots before taking them off, and then she glanced around the room. 

“Where’s Connor?” she asked, looking around as she stepped off the welcome mat and made her way to the living room in small steps. 

“Showering right now,” Evan said with a small nod. “Can I get you something to drink?” 

“No I’m okay uh… We should talk while he’s out of the room,” Zoe said. 

Evan shifted his feet back and forth, before sitting down on the couch with Zoe joining him. There was a brief moment of silence, before Zoe spoke up again. 

“What happened?” she asked. 

Evan explained what had happened that morning, from the call, to Evan going and finding him, to him sobbing and then to when he came and slept on his couch for four hours. He avoided Zoe’s gaze the entire time, focusing in on the fake flickering of the electric fireplace. 

“He kept saying how he… uh, how he could do it so easily before? Like… I think he was talking about like… you know but…” Evan trailed off, picking at his nails. 

Hesitantly, he looked up and met eyes with Zoe. She was almost unreadable. Evan didn’t like that one bit. 

“What does that mean Zo?” Evan asked quietly. 

Zoe sighed and hunched over, resting her elbows on her thighs. Evan waited, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. 

“Connor uh…” she started. 

“In the ninth grade, Connor tried to hang himself…  he tied three of my dad’s ties together and tried to do it in his closet but uh, he was too tall… Then a week later he broke his ankle falling off of a bridge but I know he jumped…” Zoe said slowly, choosing each word with strategic precision. 

Evan shifted again and turned more to look at Zoe, who was picking nervously around her nails and almost shaking. Hesitantly, Evan rested his hand on her thigh, and she took his band and squeezed it lightly. 

“Things stopped for a uh, a long time… He went to therapy once a week, he was on medication for a bit and then towards the end of Junior year he just crashed down again… started smoking pot, disappearing for days- sometimes even  _ weeks  _ on end… My parents kind of just… gave up on him. 

“So uh, it got worse naturally over the summer and uh… After the first day of school I walked into his room with him having hacked up his arms and downed a bottle of my dad’s heartburn medication…” 

It went silent then. Zoe sniffed and rested her head on Evan’s shoulder and wiped at her cheek. The silent was thick and heavy, weighing Evan’s chest down like a stack of bricks meticulously placed on his chest. 

“The doctors said if I had found him even five minutes later… it… it… it…” 

And Zoe started crying. 

Evan hushed her softly as he wrapped his arms around her, Zoe curling up into his chest just as Connor did hours before. He rubbed her back lightly and five minutes later, she had collected herself again and cleared her throat. 

“Once he was healthy enough, he was sent to a uh, rehab kind of? Like… a mental institution… He came back and we…  _ I  _ thought he was getting better… He met you and… stopped disappearing as much and then uh, he started smiling and it was all because of  _ you _ … I thought he was getting better… clearly not…” she trailed off sadly. 

Evan hesitated before he swallowed and sighed. 

“He was but… when we started dating Connor uh, felt really left out… and you know, he was a-about to ask me out? Then I guess uh, when you kind of started tagging along all the time it just kind of pushed him over the edge?” Evan said. 

Zoe’s face, which was already plastered with sadness, dropped more. Evan frowned and looked away. He didn’t want to see that look of heartbreak on her  _ ever  _ again. 

“I never noticed…” Zoe trailed off. 

“It didn’t start until Connor and I kissed?” Evan said in a failed attempt to make her feel better. They exchanged a small, weak smile before looking away from each other. In the other room, the shower turned off and they could hear the shower door slide open. 

“Maybe we should break up- just be friends? For… for Connor’s sake. He needs his best friend and maybe… maybe I should just be his sister. Not his best friends girlfriend,” Zoe suggested. 

Evan turned to her and bit his lip. 

They locked eyes and looked at eachother. Slowly, the words processed in his brain, and he nodded. 

“Maybe we should,” Evan replied.

She smiled again, and Evan smiled back before they leaned in and hugged each other. 

Just as they pulled away, the bathroom door opened and Connor walked out, dressed with his hair roughly towel dried. They both turned to look at him as he stopped just behind the couch. 

“Zoe?” Connor asked. 

Zoe smiled and jumped over the couch, running to Connor and nearly knocking him over with the sheer force of the hug she engulfed him in. 

“Oh my god Connor…” Zoe said quietly. “I was so scared…” 

Connor looked down at her, then up to Evan, who offered a small smile. He smiled back softly again before wrapping his arms around Zoe to return the hug. Evan smiled softly and sighed before making his way to the kitchen to leave the two alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a short chapter, and with such a long wait. School has just been eating me up and I've been so busy and have no motivation what so ever so here's this chapter. Hopefully I can get another chapter up within a could of days. It picks up from here I swear! This is the last of the depressing episodes.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

Evan shivered as he stepped out of Connor’s car, shutting the passenger door behind him. Connor led the way, quickly climbing behind the fence of the orchard. Evan followed, zipping his coat up as far up as it can. 

“Thanks for coming with me by the way,” Connor said as the two made their way towards the barn, his hands stuffed casually into his sweater pocket. 

Evan still wondered how Connor survived in just that black hoodie. Evan had at least two layers on, and he was still cold. 

“No problem,” Evan replied. 

It had been two days since… the incident and Connor had yet to be left alone for even a minute. His bedroom door was off the hinges, and the bathrooms couldn’t lock anymore. Connor thought it was ridiculous but Evan kind of agreed with his parents. He would never tell Connor that. 

“I wouldn’t have been able to come if you didn’t,” Connor commented with some sort of bitterness to his tone. 

“What are we doing here exactly?” Evan asked. 

“I wanted to grab what I left,” Connor said shortly, turning around to look at Evan for a brief moment. 

At least Connor seemed more himself again. After he and Zoe kind of had a mini sibling meltdown, he quickly started getting back to his old self. Evan didn’t know if it was an act or not. Clearly Connor was good at hiding when he wasn’t doing too well, as Evan found out later he was collecting miscellaneous pills for two weeks before he attempted to swallow them all. Including a few from Evan. 

Evan didn’t know what Connor had left at the barn that night. The bottle of pills? His weed? Maybe a coat? When they were here, he didn’t think there was much around. 

“I don’t think I’m going to come back here as much after this,” Connor said as they approached the barn door, which was still ajar just a bit.

“Why?” Evan asked. The two slipped in and Evan gazed around while Connor made a beeline right for where he was sitting the other night.  

“Just… I need to let go of it I think,” Connor said with a small nod as he grabbed his little tin of joints. He took one out and put it to his mouth, but Evan glared at him and he put it away with a huff, and stuffed it in his pocket. 

“I don’t want you driving high Connor,” Evan said. 

“Yeah yeah I know mom,” Connor joked, grabbing a jacket that had sat next to the tin and slipped it on. 

Evan smiled softly, which Connor returned. 

“So uh, no more coming back?” Evan asked. 

“Nope. It’s time to move on I think… As much as I love it, it’s just… too much negativity surrounding it,” Connor sighed, sitting down cross legged. Evan was still standing by the door. 

Connor patted the hay next to him and Evan walked over, sitting down close to him, leaning his back up against more hay. 

“I’m surprised Zoe let you come with me alone,” Connor said. His voice was dry with humor as he smirked, looking over at Evan. 

Evan hadn’t told Connor yet. Not that it was that big of a deal. Or maybe it was a big deal. Evan didn’t really know. It just, had never came up in conversation and even yesterday when Evan was over the two had accidently held each others hands and Zoe rested her head on his shoulder and then they both snapped out of it, but Connor didn’t notice. 

“We actually broke up,” Evan said. 

“What? Wait- when?” Connor asked, sitting up just a bit. 

“On uh, the first… While you were showering,” Evan replied with a small shrug. 

“What- you guys did?” Connor said. 

Evan nodded quickly. Connor huffed, letting his breath escape slowly. He ran a hand through his hair and Evan bit his lip. Did he do something wrong?

“You guys didn’t break up because of me, did you?” Connor asked. 

Evan stayed silent. That kind of was why they did- but it was the right thing to do! They both knew it- Connor probably would know it too once it processed with him. 

“Evan… Evan no. God no- don’t let me be the reason you two break up. You guys are so  _ good  _ for each other and-  _ fuck… _ Call her and get back together with her pl-” 

“Connor. It was more than just what happened to you. Our relationship… just wasn’t really the healthiest? Like, we both think we’re better off as friends and… I don’t know… I don’t really think it was meant to be,” Evan said with a small shrug. 

He didn’t want Connor to feel responsible for the decision he and Zoe made independently about their relationship. It wasn’t his fault. 

“Oh…”

Evan bit his lip and looked around. He wanted to change the topic, but he didn’t know what to change it to. Connor shifted a bit, putting his hands into his jacket pockets before pulling out a folded up piece of paper. Connor looked down on it and rubbed his thumb across the corner of it before slowly handing it over to Evan. 

Evan took it and looked at it curiously.  _ Evan Hansen  _ was written in sloppy writing that was clearly Connor’s. He glanced between the note and Connor before lifting the corner. 

“Don’t read it until you get home? And uh, if you do… don’t hold it against me… And uh, you don’t have to read it but either way… once you’re done with it, destroy it for me?” Connor said. Evan closed the letter and nodded, putting the note into his pocket. 

It wasn’t until Evan took his hands out of his pockets that his blood ran cold, realizing Connor had just handed him his suicide note. Connor had wrote his suicide note to him. Evan parted his lips, wanting to say something but no words came out. 

“You look like you just witnessed me murder a baby,” Connor said dryly. 

“Sorry I just…” 

“It is  what you think it is. You don’t have to read it. I mean what I say in it though, and I’m not going to repeat it. Ever,” Connor said. 

Evan swallowed and nodded. Connor must want to give Evan a heart attack. He picked at his nails and huffed. The air felt heavy, but simultaneously too thin to properly enter his lungs. 

“Evan, look at me. You’re okay. I’m okay and… I’m really glad I’m here right now… That letter doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. But I mean what I tell you and I want you to know,” Connor said. 

Evan nodded and sighed, shifting a bit. 

“Zoe told me about what happened back in september?” Evan said. 

“I know. She told me that she told you. It’s okay… You were going to find out sooner or later,” Connor said 

“Do you want to get out of here?” Connor asked. 

“Y-yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Let’s get out of here,” Evan said quickly.

The two quickly made their way out of there, Connor humming that same tune that he always liked to hum. 

Once they got back to Connor’s car, Connor asked if he wanted to come over, of if Connor could come over to Evan’s. Evan, though he wanted to stay with Connor, but at the same time he wanted to go home and be alone. He just wanted to figure out what to do about Connor’s letter. 

So he denied both suggestions. Connor looked disappointed, but he seemed like he understood enough, so he dismissed the disappointment and drove Evan home, dropping him off in the driveway. 

Evan waved goodbye and Connor smiled softly, before backing out of the driveway right as Evan shut the passenger door. 

Evan made his way inside his house and up to his bedroom, taking off his jacket and his wet socks, before sitting on his bed cross legged. 

He sat there for a couple minutes, before pulling out the letter and his phone. 

 

**[2:07 PM] To Zoe**

_ Text me when Connor gets home?  _

 

**[2:10 PM] From Zoe**

_ He’s home safe and sound :)  _

 

Evan wanted to start a conversation with Zoe, just to distract himself from the note written on a piece of lined paper with what looked like a dark blue pen, judging by just the outside. He wanted to rip up the note and throw it away, but he just stared at it, before slowly picking it up and unfolding it. 

He didn’t want to read it, but he felt like he should. It was almost like this would have been a preview to what would have happened if Connor’s call hadn’t woken him up in time. 

Evan bit his lip at the thought. 

He unfolded it, but didn’t read any of the words. Did he want to do this? He wanted to do this. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_~~First off I wanted to thank you for being my friend.~~ _ _ First off I wanted to tell you none of this is your fault. It may seem that way but it’s not, okay? ~~You were great~~ _ ~~_ in every way a friend could be to be around _ ~~ _ and I was the happiest I ever was able to be around you. You  _ ~~_ were  _ ~~ _ are my best friend. Don’t forget that.  _

_ I’m sorry for addressing this to you, not to a sick world, or my family or to just no one. You’re probably going to be the first one to read this unless my nosey mother does first _ _ , ~~if so, hi mom! Sorry I just fucked you and our entire family up.~~ _ _ God I don’t really know what I’m trying to write here. Do I say goodbye to an uncaring world? Do I tell you how much  _ _ I  _ _ you mean to me? Or I guess meant to me now, right? _

_ I’m not going to lie. I’m super high right now. I know that’s cruel- hey, here’s my last message to the world and it’s a shitty letter I wrote while high. Of course that’s something the royally fucked up Connor Murphy would do.  _

_ I love you. That’s weird. God I know it’s weird, but it’s true. You’re amazing, and I wish you had come into my life sooner. I wish maybe you stopped me that day I stormed out of the computer lab. That would have been nice. Maybe you could have saved me from a month of rehab. You know my parents thought that weird note you wrote to yourself was my suicide note? God that took a lot of explaining to do, because at the time, Evan Hansen was just a weirdo who laughed at me in the hallway with everyone else, and was out to get me.  _

_ But that’s not Evan hansen at all. Evan hansen is a wonderful human, who goes out of his way that he could help others out, who helps people see past the worst of them, and who for some reason hates soup. Yeah, I saw that letter you wrote to yourself.  _

_ I ~~regret not asking you out before you and Zoe became a thing, because maybe then I wouldn’t be in the position that I am in now. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so empty and lonely inside, because I’d have you in a way that Zoe has you. I’m sorry, I know this is the last thing you wanna hear about but I just need to get it off my chest. You already knew this too, I’m pretty sure. I kissed you that one time right? I wonder if I’m a good kisser.~~ _

_ I’m sorry this note isn’t really telling you why I popped a bottle of random pills and killed myself. Truth be told even I don’t know why I’m doing this. I just know it feels right and this time I’m going to succeed.  _

_ Don’t blame yourself for this Evan, and don’t feel like you have to break up with Zoe just to make my spirit feel at ease because truthfully, you two look so happy together and you both enjoy the world. I just wish my fucked up self could have given the both of you it. Instead, I’m giving you a dead best friend and brother. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I’m happier now, and you made me happy for a while, and I still care so much about you and you had nothing to do with any of this Evan. None of this. It was all issues about me. Trust me when I tell you that. I’m sorry I can’t tell you anything more. I don’t know what else to say. Goodbye, Evan. I’ll miss you, but don’t you dare miss me at all. And, I know this only happened once, but try not to get caught in the rain again? And if you do, don’t silently hope I’ll come around offering you another drive. I’m not going to be there anymore. I’m sorry.  _

_ Sincerely, me.  _

 

_ See what I did there? That’s how you signed your letter my parents thought was my last note. It’s a little bring it around full circle. Bittersweet, isn’t it? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ack! Sorry once again for another short chapter lol. The next one might be longer who knows. It'll get longer again eventually. I just need to get past this sloooooow bit right here, but this cliche little arch is at it's end now, and a new chapter will begin next time, both figuratively and literally.


	20. Chapter Twenty

 

Evan drummed nervously on his math textbook as he waited for the bell to ring. Just one more class and then he had one more period and then he was home free. It was the first day back after christmas break and it was stupid, but it was the first day back after christmas break and the first day he had been away from Connor for a week, as lame as it sounded. 

He hated how he was so nervous about leaving Connor alone. He was doing much better now, and least Evan thought so. But Connor had apparently taken off before anyone was awake this morning, but the countless text messages Connor sent Evan throughout the day made him feel just a bit better. 

Then he ran into Connor briefly between second and third period, but Connor didn’t show up at the computer lab at lunch, leaving Evan alone as Jared was off at some chess club and Zoe was migrating back towards hanging out with her other group of friends again. 

Connor claimed he would be right there, but he never showed up. 

Evan texted him at the beginning of this class, and he was pretty sure his phone buzzed about half way through the class but he hadn’t looked at it yet. He didn’t like using his phone during class at all, so the text could wait. 

He packed up two minutes earlier than usual and took out his phone and opened it, frowning when the notification was actually from facebook. He wiped his hands on his pants before swinging his bag over his shoulder and making his way to his locker. 

He looked around nervously, hoping for some sign of Connor in the hallways. He was fine, Even tried to reassure himself. Connor would be okay, Connor  _ is  _ okay. Connor is-

“Hey Evan.”

Evan jumped, dropping his books all over the floor. The other person laughed and Evan felt the blood rush to his cheeks. 

“Connor! Hey I was just uh, trying to uh, find you,” Evan said, his own face scrunching up as he processed what he just said, or what he was trying to say. Connor chuckled and leant up against his locker. 

“Want to get out of here? Go get pizza or something?” Connor asked, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“Like… after my next class?” Evan said. 

“No uh. I was thinking now,” Connor said, looking up from the ground. 

Evan scrunched up his face before it relaxed in realization. Connor was definitely not as happy as he usually was. He smiled softly and nodded slowly, before unlocking his locker and putting his books in and grabbing his coat, before shutting his locker and turning back to Connor. 

“Let’s uh… let’s go,” Evan said with a small nod. 

Connor smiled and nodded, before the two walked out the nearest exit, and then out towards the parking lot and into Connor’s car, which stank of weed and was still warm. 

Evan glanced over at Connor as he started up his car. Connor was kind of shaking. 

“Connor uh, let me drive?” Evan said. 

Connor opened his mouth to reply. Probably to remind Evan that he didn’t have his license and he didn’t qualify as someone who could sit with him in the front seat- yeah uh, that's what Evan was thinking. Connor was probably  _ actually  _ going to say something like “i’m fine. Just let me drive.” 

Instead though, Connor sighed softly and nodded, before opening out the door and getting out. Evan was about to protest- he really didn’t feel comfortable driving, but he wasn’t going to tell Connor to drive now. 

Evan shook his hands out as he sat down in the driver's seat and adjusted it to work with his shorter legs. He glanced over at Connor who was nervously twitching in the passenger seat. He offered a small smile, but it went unnoticed by Connor. 

“So uh, pizza or just over to my house?” Evan asked. Evan wasn’t particularly hungry, as he had lunch today for once, even if it was just a sandwich and an apple. 

Connor didn’t reply, he was just kind of looking out the dash window blankly. 

“Connor?”

“Hmm? Yeah uh… let’s just go to your place?” Connor said, looking over at Evan very briefly before looking back at the window. 

Evan bit his lip and nodded before he drove back,  _ carefully,  _ to his house. Connor continued to stare silently out the window the entire time there. Evan turned on the radio to try and help ease the silence, but it didn’t really help. 

He wanted to ask Connor what was wrong, but he didn’t know if Connor would tell him. He’s never seen Connor this blank and almost void of emotion before. Even on the new year, Connor was still full of emotions. At times Connor could be unreadable to some extent, and really he wasn’t all that unreadable right now. Something was wrong, Evan didn’t know what, but something was wrong. 

“Evan! Evan you just missed your turn,” Connor said. 

Evan blinked and turned the car’s wheel quickly, making a U turn in the middle of the row. 

“Evan- Jesus I didn’t think you had it in you to pull something like that,” Connor said with a dry chuckle. Evan smiled softly. At least Connor was showing some emotion now. 

Evan turned down the right street and pulled into his driveway. He glanced over at Connor and smiled, which he didn’t get anything in return. 

Shut down again, Evan guessed. 

They walked up the pathway together and Evan unlocked the door. Connor lingered in his porch a bit longer than he normally would before he joined Evan in the living room. With a small, defeated huff, Connor sat down in the middle of the couch and rested his head on the back of the couch. 

Evan hesitated before slipping in to sit beside him.  

Connor closed his eyes and tapped his pointer finger against his phone in his pocket. 

“So uh… do you er- maybe wanna talk… about what’s going on?” Evan asked nervously. Connor looked up and sighed, turning his head to look at him with half lidded eyes. 

“Not really,” Connor said bluntly. 

Evan made a small, hopeless  _ ‘oh’.  _ He hesitated, opening his mouth several times to speak, before something finally came out. 

“Uh…  _ eat _ ?” Evan squeaked. Why was he so nervous? His hand was trembling and he felt like he was going to just crumble to pieces within seconds. It was like a little alien was clawing at the inside of his stomach. 

“ _ What _ ?” Connor said, a small chuckle escaping. Evan was looking down, hunched over himself so he couldn’t see Connor- but maybe Connor looked over him with that little smile that he does sometimes. It’s the smile that isn’t really a smile, because only half of his mouth curls up properly, but the other side curled up just a little bit too. He’d get these crinkles on either side of his mouth and now Evan was smiling because he was thinking of Connor’s smile. He would take Connor’s smile over whatever blank face he was giving off right now. 

“I… wish I had taken the pills that night.” 

And then Evan’s smile faded. His eyes dropped as he sat up, looking at Connor, confusion and worry in his eyes. That little alien suddenly ceased clawing it’s way out of his stomach, and instead it laid still, weighing down his entire body in a way he couldn’t describe. 

“But at the same time… I’m glad you found me? I just… can’t help but think maybe I wouldn’t have broken you and Zoe up? And uh, maybe like… you all would have been better off? I just… everyone is stressing about me now? Like… I don’t even have a door on my bedroom,” Connor said slowly. He was avoiding eye contact, looking straight ahead as much as he could. 

“Connor…” Evan said, before coughing. “Zoe and I had nothing to do with you at uh, at all? And… I’m not going to lie, if you died I probably would have  _ shut down _ … Like… I wouldn’t be able to do anything?” 

Connor furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Evan, biting his lower lip. His eyes showed some sort of emotion now- helplessness… loneliness? Sadness?

“I want these feelings to go away so badly Evan… all of them,” Connor said, shaking his head. 

“I don’t want to die… but… it would be an escape from all this confusion, and sadness and emptiness and…” 

He glanced between the floor and the Evan before looking at the front door. 

“And…  _ love… _ Fuck,” Connor muttered, running a hand through his hair before leaning back against the couch. 

Evan looked down at his hand, before glancing back at Connor, who was now looking at his lap again. 

Slowly, without really looking, Evan laced his fingers into Connor’s hand, and gave it a slight squeeze. He didn’t really know he was doing it until it happened, and Connor squeezed back. Connor shifted closer and leaned his head on Evan’s shoulder, swallowing hard enough for Evan to hear him gulp. 

“I think I might drop out of school,” Connor said calmly. His thumb was swirling small circles on the back of Evan’s hand. 

“Why?” Evan asked. 

“It’s stressful… midterms are coming up right away here… I’m passing and I would pass them but like… I’m not going to do anything after high school, you know? I don’t have interests… I just, will live in my parents basement all my life,” Connor said. 

“You don’t have uh, any hobbies? No interests at all?” Evan said, attempting to look at the other but he was still resting on his shoulder, so there was no point. 

“I like programing,” Connor said with a small huff. “Like uh, video games? I’m mostly self taught though and I can’t read or write uh, what’s it called? HTML? Something like that… I use like a uh, simplified programmer…” 

“You could go to university for that,” Evan suggested. 

“I’m missing some of the required high school classes… it would be too late to try and catch up and I am in no way going back for upgrading,” Connor said. His thumb stopped moving and just rested against Evan’s hand. He lifted both of them up and looked at them, as if it was some sort of new discovery Connor had made. 

“Upgrading can’t be that bad… I don’t even think you have to go to classes? I mean… I never looked into it… but like… at the end of the day if you want to study it?” Evan said. 

“Nope,” Connor said, dropping both their hands back on Evan’s thigh, keeping them tightly clasped together. 

“I don’t want to go to college after high school though… I just want to travel and then be done with everything,” Connor said. “There’s no point in it, you know? I just… don’t care? Like- I’ll make my way somehow but my parents are loaded enough to buy me a house and some sort of fancy shit car if they really wanted to.” 

“I don’t really want to do… anything after high school though… I just want to…  _ disappear… _ have the world forget I exist and maybe everyone at school will stop calling Zoe the girl with the fucked up brother. Maybe I’ll just… travel the world and cut off contact with everyone. Not making any strong connections with people at all…” 

“Connor… Connor please…” Evan said softly, kind of nudging him with his shoulder to get him to sit up again. 

“I understand… where uh, you’re coming from? But uh, I don’t want to lose you? Even if like we don’t talk as much after high school or maybe you do travel the world but… I’d like to know you’re okay? Like maybe see you around town or get facebook updates? Even if… you’re not as big of an influence in my life… I’d like to still know you’re alive and okay and exist and Connor if you just cut ties it would  _ ruin  _ me and I just-”

“I won’t leave you then. If I cut ties with everyone else, I won’t with you. Or I’ll try not too,” Connor said softly. 

“I love you?” Evan said. “Like uh, like a friend… a really  _ good  _ friend… and uh, I feel like guys can love each other platonically too, y’know? Like… girls always tell their friends, oh I love you! But like, guys can’t do that? I feel like guys should be able to do that because I do love you just like-”

“Evan?”

“Yes?” 

“Shut up,” Connor laughed, before pulling the other into a tight hug, both of them shifting into an awkward position on the couch but totally worth it because Connor was such a good hugger. 

Connor was really good at a lot of things, but Evan didn’t really think he knew that. 

“I love you too… in a really good, little bit platonic way,” Connor replied, pulling him tighter before resting his chin on Evan’s head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the quality of this book is declining quickly lol and I'm debating if I should either turn an idea into a sequel for this guy or if I should make it it's own independent thing? It really doesn't matter since like they'd be the same characters cause I can't make original characters at /all/ but if it's a sequel I can make referances but idk it'll probably be it's own.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

Evan hummed softly as he and Connor walked into the school, walking side by side close enough that their hands were brushing against each other with each sway of their arms. Evan opened the door for the both of them, before he followed Connor to his locker like a curious little puppy. He stood beside him, swinging back and forth on the balls of his feel as he waited. 

Then, he nudged Connor, and even though Connor kind of rolled his eyes, he followed Evan to his locker. He grabbed his things quickly before walking with Connor to his first class. Connor sat at his desk and pulled out his phone, while Evan made small talk with him, usually sitting on top of Connor’s desk on the end. 

When the bell rang, he gave a small goodbye to Connor before making his way to his class, which was downstairs and across the school. 

He didn’t pay attention much in his world history class, instead spent his time discreetly texting Connor. About nothing really, they just talked. Connor complained about his Math teacher, which didn’t surprise Connor. Then Evan asked if Connor wanted to do something after school. 

At the bell, Evan bolted to Connor’s locker and waited for him, before walking him once more to his next class before having to run to his own. 

Then at lunch, the two just sat in the computer lab alone. They both sat on the floor, Connor rested his head on Evan’s shoulder and played some board game on his phone silently. Neither of them really talked at all. 

Evan thought maybe the two both had a mutual feeling of worry. Or maybe Connor was just tense, and Evan was worried. Connor didn’t have a reason to be worried for Evan. Evan didn’t talk about his problems as much as Connor did. At least, with Connor he didn’t. Evan however, had every reason to be worried about Connor. 

These last couple weeks had been hard for him, and those things didn’t seem to be getting any better. Or maybe they were. Evan was hoping that it was getting better for Connor, because he didn’t want to lose Connor. 

Connor wasn’t okay. Evan wasn’t either. They both had thoughts about death… and Evan didn’t like that. 

He glanced down at Connor’s hands, both of which were latched onto his phone. He frowned softly and stared at Connor’s digital board game. He had never played risk, but it looked like Connor was winning. 

Evan’s hand subconsciously moved to rest on Connor’s thigh before closing his eyes and resting his head on top of Connors’. 

“You okay Ev?” Connor asked. 

Evan took in a deep breath, before sitting up again and taking his hand away. Connor lifted his head from Evan’s shoulder and put his phone down to look at Evan properly. 

“Y-yeah I uh… I’m okay,” Evan said with a small, short lived smile. 

“You sure?” Connor said. He sounded worried. Was he worried about Evan? He hoped not. 

“Just… making sure you’re real,” Evan said, before scrunching up his face. Why did he say that, of all things? Connor chuckled softly before leaning on Evan’s shoulder again. Connor wasn’t reaching for his phone again, so Evan laced their fingers together and neither of them acknowledged it. 

Shortly after that, the bell rang and the two walked to each others lockers, before Evan walked Connor to his class and then walked back to his own. 

At the end of the day, Evan waited at Connor’s locker for him before the two went to his locker and Evan gathered his things from his locker. Connor drove Evan home after, and he stayed as late as he possibly could before driving himself home, and then the two texted until Evan fell asleep on the couch. 

This was their daily routine for the next week and a half. 

Connor didn’t come to school that Thursday, but several text messages in a row before Evan even woke up assured him that Connor was fine, and just didn’t feel the best so he was staying home. 

Evan called Connor as he walked to school and talked to him. Evan was never one to willingly call someone, but he wanted to hear Connor’s voice, because truthfully, Evan didn’t really believe it was him texting him, but hearing his voice and him genuinely laughing at the fact that Evan slipped while walking assured him that Connor was okay. 

As Evan approached the school they hung up and switched over to texting each other. They texted all of first period, but then Evan had a test second, and then they proceeded to text all during lunch. 

He hummed softly as he got his books for his next period before the bell, leaving himself plenty of time. He smiled as he continued to message Connor, who was currently ranting about how shadows made his walls different shades of blue, and how his carpet wasn’t even just creme, but it had soft blue specs, barely noticable. It was not necessary, apparently. 

Evan was pretty sure Connor was high. 

He smiled as he typed out his reply. God he wished he could hear Connor’s voice instead of having to read his texts.

“Texting your boyfriend again?” a dry, sarcastic voice came from beside Evan. 

Evan rolled his eyes as he glanced at Jared, who was leaning against the lockers next to him. He tucked his phone away in his pocket and grabbed his notes for his next period. 

“Connor is  _ not  _ my boyfriend,” Evan said sternly. 

“Yeah well the two of you certainly are acting like it,” Jared said. “I mean seriously- I think today is the first time I’ve seen you two apart from each other. It wouldn’t have surprised me if you two switched your schedules so you were each taking the same classes.” 

“Connor and I are just friends,” Evan said. “And… we aren’t always side by side. I think uh, you’re just jealous,” Evan said with a small shrug as he shut his locker. 

Jared scoffed before laughing. 

“God yes, because I’m jealous of you and Connor. I talk to Connor  _ so _ often,” Jared said. 

“You’ve… hung out with him a couple of times?” Evan pointed out. 

The bell rang and the halls became swamped with students rushing around to get to their lockers. 

“Yeah, like three times while you were ignoring him,” Jared said. 

“When was I ignoring him?”

“While you were dating Zoe! Jesus that guy kept texting me about how bored and lonely he was. It was crazy,” Jared said. 

Evan sighed and looked down at his stack of books. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing really came out. Was he that bad?

“Jared… what’s your point here?” Evan asked. His mind was starting to swim with thoughts about how rude he was to Connor while dating Zoe. Was he really that bad that Connor turned to Jared? Connor didn’t even  _ like  _ Jared all that much. At least, that’s what Connor said. 

“I just… You’re being  _ super  _ clingy with him as of recently. Like…  _ super  _ clingy. It’s like he’s the only thing keeping you alive and you just gotta cling onto him for dear life… Like-”

“Thanks Jared, I get it, I’m going to go now,” Evan said, before rushing off to his class. 

His phone buzzed twice as he sat down, and he knew it was Connor texting him. Part of him wanted to reply, but he decided just to wait until after that class. Jared was right, now that Evan was thinking about it. He was being  _ really  _ clingy with Connor since everything went down. That was kind of understandable though, wasn’t it? 

Not really, no. Sure, he was worried about Connor, but he trusted Connor enough that if he didn’t talk to Connor for a couple hours, he knew Connor would be okay. At least, he wanted to believe that. 

Connor was a little unpredictable, but Evan needed to learn how to trust him.

Maybe he should distance himself a bit more from Connor? Connor probably didn’t like how clingy Evan was being anyways. Evan was pretty oblivious when it came to detecting others discomfort, since all he wanted was to feel comfortable himself. 

God Connor probably hated him. 

No he didn’t… Connor didn’t hate him… but maybe he was getting annoyed with Evan. That was a possibility. A most likely possibility. 

He’d distance himself a bit then. Jared was probably right. Jared was right about quite a few things, so he wouldn’t put it passed him. 

 

The next day, Connor returned to school. On the drive there, he questioned Evan as to why he stopped texting him after lunch, even after school, but Evan just shrugged and muttered something about how his teachers were starting to notice. 

Then, he made sure to leave a bit more room between the two as they walked up to the front doors from the parking lot. 

Evan started walking to his own locker instead of to Connors, but Connor still followed him, partially confused. 

“Don’t we normally go to my locker first?” Connor asked. 

“Oh uh, I… yeah I just, kind of need to get to my first period early so I don’t have time to come with you? I uh, I’m sorry,” Evan said awkwardly as he fumbled with his lock, trying to unlock it and avoid Connor’s gaze. 

“Oh okay I’ll see you after then?” 

“Yeah! Yeah, I’ll see you at lunch… I’ll meet you in the computer lab,” Evan said as he grabbed his things. 

“Alright then…” Connor said slowly. Evan missed his hurt expression altogether as he turned around and left. 

Evan grabbed his things and hummed softly as he made his way to his first period. 

He avoided Connor in the halls until lunch, where he met him in the computer lab. Instead of sitting on the floor, Evan sat at the table with no computers on it and Connor sat next to him. Evan kind of slid around all over the floor around the table with the wheely chair, in an attempt to not be tempted to cuddle with Connor in any way. 

After lunch Evan parted ways and went to his locker, leaving Connor alone to get to his next period. 

Since Evan had a last period spare, he decided just to walk home. Usually he waited in the library until the end of the day so he and Connor could hang out easily, or Connor would ditch his class and they would leave early. Instead, he sent Connor a quick text saying he was heading home, despite the sleeting outside, and would text him later. 

Evan sighed as he stepped outside. It was sleeting, but only lightly. It was bearable, that was for sure. 

He pulled his hood up over his head and tucked his hands in his pockets before starting to walk. 

His phone buzzed as he walked, but his hands were cold so he didn’t bring them out of their pockets.

He was doing okay, Evan thought. He was doing alright with distancing himself from Connor just a bit. Connor was probably relieved that this was finally happening. He just hoped he wasn’t over doing it. He wasn’t over doing it, was he? 

A loud honk brought him from his thoughts and he looked around, before his eyes landed on Connor’s car, which was pulling over to sit idle beside where Evan was. 

“Evan, what the fuck are you doing?” Connor asked as he rolled down the window. Evan hesitantly walked over to the car. 

“Walking home?” Evan said. 

“No shit… why- just, get in the car,” Connor said, nodding to the passenger seat. Evan sighed and shook his head lightly before getting into the passenger side of the car. He didn’t want to argue and despite Evan’s best efforts, he could argue that Connor initiated this, so he wasn’t being clingy as a result. 

The car ride home was silent. Evan didn’t like the silence but he didn’t want to break it, so instead he endured it, and then once Connor pulled up into his driveway, he got out and rushed to his front door. 

As he unlocked the door, Connor caught up with him and leaned against the wall as he waited patiently. 

“Oh! Are you coming in?” Evan asked.  

“Am I allowed?” Connor asked. 

Evan hesitated. Connor was initiating it. He nodded.

The two made their way inside and Evan went straight to the kitchen, with Connor following shortly behind. He sat at the breakfast bar while Evan pulled out two glasses and filled them both with water. 

“Did I say something to offend you?” Connor asked. Evan shook his head and handed him his glass of water. 

“Why have you been avoiding me all day then?” Connor asked. 

“I uh, haven’t?” Evan said. 

“Yes you have. Don’t play dumb with me. What did I do wrong?” Connor said. 

“You didn’t do anything,” Evan said blankly. “I just… Jared made me realize how clingy I was getting and I didn’t think you liked that? So… I’m giving you space.” Evan shrugged. 

Connor laughed and rolled his eyes.

“Evan… You may be clingy, but I love it. You should know that,” Connor said. 

“I should know that?” Evan asked. 

“Evan I’ve literally made out with you… You really think I would hate regular cuddling- uh, platonic cuddling during lunch? And just walking together… I am all for it,” Connor said. 

“ _ Oh… _ ” 

“If I’m  _ ever  _ uncomfortable with something I’ll let you know, but please, don’t distance yourself because Jared told you so. Jared doesn’t know crap about anything.”

“Oh… uh, alright then,” Evan said. 

God Evan felt stupid now. That didn’t stop the soft sigh of relief however, and Evan reaching out for a hug and Connor happily embracing him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikkkkkkkkkessssssss


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

Somehow, the two of them seemed to survive midterms, mostly without a hitch. Evan had his biology final, and he kind of failed that ( _ “Evan, seventy three percent is  _ not  _ a fail,”  _ Connor had assured him), but other than that, he did pretty good. Connor refused to elaborate on how he did, simply saying he did well enough to get himself through the year. 

It was inching towards the end of March now, and Evan was seriously stressing about college now. He envied Connor- he didn’t want to go to college, so he wasn’t going. He just needed good enough grades to graduate, and then he was done. He did  _ not  _ however, envy his parents opinion on Connor’s decision. He probably couldn’t even count how many times they’ve tried to change Connor’s opinion on his hands. And that was just while he was around. 

Two weeks ago they had to dip into Evan’s college savings because Heidi sliced her hand open on a knife and needed stitches, medications and was off work for ten days. All of those expenses, plus groceries that week came out of his money, and now he was  _ easily  _ down a thousand dollars in funds. He didn’t even have that much in his account to begin with. 

“You’re doing it again,” Connor’s voice came from somewhere around him. 

_ “Hm?” _ Evan looked over to Connor, who was sitting next to him with a small frown. The background noise of some tv show that Connor put on filled the room with muffled noises that Evan wasn’t really paying attention to. 

“You’re making the  _ I’m not to get into college and my entire world is going to collapse  _ face again. It’s very distinct,” Connor said. Evan couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. He would not be surprised if he did indeed have a very distinct face for that. However, Connor’s tone was the  _ I’m making a joke because neither of us have talked in awhile and it’s too quiet  _ tone. 

“I… I’m fine. I’m not thinking about that,” Evan said with a small shake of the head. Connor chuckled and squeezed Evan’s shoulder reassuringly, leaving his arm around him after. Evan sighed and rested his head on Connor’s shoulder and closed his eyes. 

“You totally are Evan,” Connor said. He was squeezing his shoulder again. 

“So what if I am?” Evan said. “I think I uh, I have every reason to be concerned about money right now… I uh… I… I already had barely anything in my savings and then my mom hurt herself and… well… we don’t really have the best credit score? Is that what it’s called? I don’t know but… I’m not really eligible for a student loan so it’s just…  _ me…  _ and whatever I can scoop up, you know?” Evan said, staring at a rip in Connor’s pants. He was pretty sure he was playing with the strings of his pants too, but hadn’t cared to take notice of it. Connor didn’t comment on it at all though. 

“You could just have my college funds… it’s not enough for it all but it’s a decent amount,” Connor said, as if he was offering Evan a candy bar. 

Evan scoffed. 

“I can’t do that Connor… they should just add it to Zoe’s funds… I’ll… make do, eventually. I might take a year off or so, you know? Get a job and save up all that I can,” Evan said. 

Connor sighed and shifted, forcing Evan to sit up properly and look directly at Connor. 

“I’d do anything for you, you know,” Connor said. “My parents would be more than willing to give the boy who practically saved their only son’s life several times the money they planned to use for him.”

“Several times?” 

“So many times Evan… it’s kind of pathetic on my part,” Connor said with a small chuckle and the shake of his head. 

Evan frowned softly and shifted, leaning back against Connor. 

“Let’s not talk about college… or me saving your life or anything like that… let’s just watch our show, yeah?” Evan said softly. Connor sighed and dropped back into the couch. He seemed disappointed, but he didn’t argue further. 

Evan silently hoped that it was the last time that topic would come up. 

An hour passed in silence as the two sat there watching the show. Well, Connor was watching it while Evan played a very intense game on scrabble on his phone. Occasionally Connor would look at his phone and silently rearrange the words on Evan’s screen to help him get the best words. It was nice, but there was so much  _ space  _ between the two of them. 

He sighed as the next episode played and glanced at Connor. He was just sitting there. He couldn’t tell if he was really invested in the show or if he was deep in thought. 

Hesitantly, he scooted closer to Connor, but he didn’t really react. So, he inched closer so that the two were sitting as close as they could and Connor lifted his arm and draped it over Evan’s shoulder. Evan sighed softly and closed his eye, resting his head on Connor’s shoulder. 

Still, there was silence between the two. 

Evan closed his eyes, but he made the mental note to not allow himself to fall asleep. It was kind of hard with how comfortable Connor was, and how Connor was rubbing his pointer finger in soft circles on his shoulder. His hair was brushing up against Evan’s forehead and it was kind of tickling him. He giggled once, causing Connor to chuckle, which just made Evan blush and bury his head into Connor’s shoulder while he gave Evan’s shoulder a soft squeeze. 

Eventually Evan found himself drifting off, as much as he tried to fight it. In the back of his mind, he could hear a door open and then a conversation, and then Connor was moving just a bit was still holding him softly, but Evan couldn’t process any of it. Then there was footsteps and he fell asleep. 

 

“Evan? Evan you gotta get up now…”

Evan had woken up from his nap ten minutes ago, but Connor didn’t know that. If he had it his way, he’d just stay like this forever, but he couldn’t fake sleeping anymore,  _ clearly.  _

“Evan?”

“I’m up,” he muttered as he sat up, rubbing away at his eyes and stretching his shoulders out. 

“Sleep okay?” he asked. 

“You’re really attractive,” Evan blurted out before yawning. 

“ _ What? _ ” Connor asked with a small chuckle. 

“I slept okay,” Evan said, quickly correcting himself. 

“It’s too late to cover up what you said,” Connor pointed out. Evan shrugged and rested his head next to Connor’s shoulder so he could look at Connor closely. They both smiled. 

“Who said I wanted to cover up what I said?” 

“You certainly implied it,” Connor said. 

Evan just shrugged lazily before closing his eyes. He could feel Connor moving closer to him and he felt a rise of tension. He opened his eyes and sat up, forcing Connor to move back and rest against the couch. He knew what Connor was going to do, and didn’t want to stop him, but he did. And neither of them were going to try again. Still though, Evan reached to lace their fingers together as the season finale of whatever sci fi show Connor put on played out. He was so confused as to what was happening, and the climax didn’t make sense and they never really explained how the daughter and father were communicating in different timelines. 

Or maybe they did, Evan just wasn’t paying attention. They had gotten through most of the show last night and Evan half slept through that, and now he just wasn’t really paying attention because of other things. 

“You have no clue what’s going on do you?” Connor asked with a small chuckle. 

“I could lie and say yes, or I can say all I know is that they’re running out of time… and that the brother ended up being the killer,  _ not  _ the dad,” Evan said. Connor laughed. 

“There’s so much more than that Ev,” Connor said. 

“I’m aware,” Evan replied. 

“I want to do something after high school,” Connor said as the credits began to roll. Evan looked over at him with a raised eyebrow. “Not like… college or anything. Fuck that. But…  _ something.  _ I want to drive up and live in Canada for a couple months or something interesting.”

“Canada is a long ways away,” Evan said. 

“So? My parents won’t miss me. Zoe will survive… she’d probably turn my room into a music studio… I’d keep in touch with them to let them know I’m not dead,” he said carelessly, shrugging lazily. 

Evan gave his hand a small squeeze. 

“I’d miss you,” Evan said. 

They both turned to look at each other, and they just kind of stared at each other. Evan’s heart rate was picking up just by keeping eye contact and he could have  _ swore  _ Connor had inched just a bit closer before he parted his lips. 

“I’d miss you too,” Connor said. “I’d keep in touch though- you could come with me!” Connor said with a stupid smile. 

“I couldn’t do that,” Evan said. “I don’t even have a passport.” 

Connor was moving closer again. He knew it wasn’t just in his head. He could hear Jared in the back of his head screaming “ _ just kiss the damn boy already! _ ” and Evan knew there wouldn’t really be any consequences. They  _ had  _ made out before. Evan knew Connor liked him. 

“We could just do the states then,” Connor said with a small shrug. He glanced down to Evan’s lips and Evan chewed on his lower one softly. “It would be fun… we’d stay at a hotel every couple nights. Live off of convenience store food and the occasional restaurant.”

“Get high in every state possible?” Evan joked, earning a stupid half smirk from Connor. 

“I’m not stupid enough to carry weed with me,” Connor said. 

“I thought it was the medical stuff?” Evan asked. 

“Yeah it is, but it’s not  _ my  _ medical stuff. My cousin’s buddy has the prescription but he likes the street stuff, so he just sells it to me at a higher price. I don’t really care though. It’s not as strong,” Connor said. 

He was closer again and god Heidi was just in the kitchen still. 

Evan sighed and pulled away. He stood up and fixed his shirt quickly. Connor huffed and sat back. 

“Water?” Evan asked. “I’m just really thirsty.” 

Connor just shook his head with a small frown. Evan nodded briefly before going to the kitchen. 

"You two seem to be getting awfully close," Heidi pointed out as she poured herself a coffee, probably getting ready to go to her classes. Evan blushed and shook his head, pouring himself a glass of water. 

"It's nothing like that really..." Evan said softly. 

It was so much like that. 

"I don't mind honey. Connor is a very nice boy. You two are good together," she said with a small smile as she sipped the coffee, before pouring some of her creamer in it. Evan shrugged, a soft blush spreading across his face. 

"I kind of like him," Evan said quietly. 

"And he you?" 

"Yeah... I know he does," Evan said as he looked through the doorway to the living room, where Connor was browsing through Netflix.  

"So do something about it," Heidi said nonchalantly. 

"Maybe... yeah, maybe I will."


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

“Connor. For the last time  _ where are you taking Me? _ ” Evan asked as Connor turned off onto the highway that led to the orchard. Evan really didn't want to go back to orchard. Sure it had been a couple months, well, a month, but he just. He didn't want to be there. 

 

“I'm taking you somewhere special. I just found out it was still around yesterday,” Connor said nonchalantly, changing the radio station just as a song Evan kind of liked came on. 

 

“We need to be back at my house before four ‘cause Jared is coming over, remember? Trashy movie night?” Evan pointed out. 

 

“Yes and we skipped the afternoon so we'd have time. It's only one thirty now,” Connor said. Evan frowned and gave up on pestering him, collapsing back into his seat. 

 

“I'm going to be killed for missing my classes,” Evan muttered, taking a deep, probably over dramatic sigh and crossing his arms. 

 

Connor looked over and smiled. He  _ smiled _ and then chuckled, rolling his eyes playfully. 

 

“Not the first time you've done this honey,” Connor pointed out. Again, Evan puffed out a bit of air. 

 

“The first two I had panic attacks and the third one way because you decided it would be fun to do something stupid in the bathroom,” Evan said with a harsh, argumentative tone. “Those were valid reasons.” 

 

Connor went silent and kept his eyes on the road. He was gripping the steering wheel tightly and-  _ crap _ . 

 

“Connor… I didn't mean it like that. Like, I know you uh, you didn't think it was fun! It wasn't. I just meant that… you know… I left to make sure you were uh, okay and I care about you and I  _ know _ none of it is for attention I just-” 

 

“Evan?” Connors tone was a lot less harsh compared to what Evan though it would be. 

 

“Yes?”

 

“Shut up,” he said, before turning to smile at him. “I uh, I know you didn't mean any harm. You just. You know me…” 

 

“Yeah…” 

 

They both went silent and Connor turned the opposite way that he normally would to get to the orchard. No orchard today then, Evan guessed. 

 

Evan smiled softly at Connor before looking out the window. He closed his eyes, but quickly opened them again with a small jump when he felt Connors hand on top of his. As much as he hated the fact that Evan didn't have both hands on the steering wheel, he smiled softly and turned his hand so he could lace their fingers together and held it _properly._  Neither of them acknowledged it, but chances were they were both blushing like crazy.

 

A couple songs later, Connor pulled into a parking lot of a small strip mall in a small town just outside of their city. Evan pulled his hand away slowly and took in the few shops that were there. A mexican restaurant… some sort of used childrens toy store and conveniently next to it,  _ probably  _ an adult toy shop. Evan hoped that  _ that  _ store was not a second hand store. 

 

“Connor… this is a weird mix of stores,” Evan commented as they both got out of the car. 

 

“Yeah I’m uh, aware of that now,” Connor said. “But… the place I want to take you is actually on the other corner.”

 

The two got on the small piece of sidewalk and started walking down towards the other side of the strip. Twice their hands brushed within ten seconds, but Evan didn’t make a move to hold his again. He kind of hoped Connor did. 

 

“So I don’t know if this place is still any good, but this ice cream shop used to be at the orchard and it was really  _ really  _ good. They had this apple pie ice cream that was just the best but I doubt they have that now that it’s away from the orchard but uh, I just wanted to relive some of my childhood and thought maybe to have you join,” Connor said with a small shrug before stopping in front of a small ice cream parlour. 

 

“It’s kind of an unfortunate location for it,” Evan commented. Connor glanced down the strip and made a small  _ meh  _ sound before opening the door. 

 

A lady in maybe her mid forties stood behind a white counter on the opposite end, where the cash register was. She smiled warmly and came over to where they stood, which was in front of the giant case of ice creams. 

 

“Hi there, what can I get you two?” She asked. 

 

“Can I get a uh, double scoop of… apple pie and  va- actually, apple pie and salted caramel…. Please,” Connor said. Evan was still kind of overwhelmed with all the ice cream flavours. He hadn’t been to a parlor like this since he was maybe six or seven. 

 

“Sure thing, type of cone?” she asked. 

 

“Oh the uh, waffle bowl,” Connor replied. 

 

“Alright, what about you?” she asked, turning towards Evan. God Evan wasn't ready to order. 

 

“Just uh, just the same? B-but in a regular bowl please?” Evan said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. 

 

The lady smiled and scooped out both of their ice creams before punching in the prices into the cash register. Connor paid before Evan could ask if he wanted him to pay for himself and the two sat down in the furthest corner booth. 

 

“That lady used to run the ice cream store with her mother back at the orchard, a lot of the paintings are the same too,” Connor said in a hushed whisper. He took his spoon and ate some of the ice cream, before chuckling shortly. “The ice cream almost tastes the same too.” 

 

“Almost?” Evan asked. He had to admit, the ice cream was really good. He didn’t know how it could’ve been better. 

 

“Yeah. Probably the grandma’s secret recipe that she didn’t explain how to do before she died,” Connor joked in a hushed voice, resulting in Evan kicking him in the shin. 

 

“She’s right there you know,” Evan scoffed. Connor shrugged and continued to finish his ice cream. 

 

“The last time we came to the orchard was the fiftieth anniversary of the place and uh, I think my parents knew it was the last time we were coming… I would have been ten maybe. Every time we’d come we’d get ice cream before we left, but we would only be allowed a single scoop with no toppings and no special cones.

 

“Then that day they said go all out and just have  _ whatever  _ you wanted. So Zoe and I got a five scoop each with the most disgusting combination of ice creams possible- alone, they were great and uh.” 

 

Connor stopped to laugh. 

 

“We both got really sick on the way home since we were eating it as quickly as we could so it wouldn’t melt… We pulled over on the side of the highway and we both threw up and uh, our parents gave us a small bit of water from a water bottle we had to share it and there was not enough… I selfishly chugged all the water and Zoe cried all the way home cause she couldn’t get the disgusting taste out of her mouth…

 

“My parents were pissed and for a solid week they got Zoe whatever she wanted for dinner, which was rare, and I was surviving on the same kind of shitty stuff we eat today. 

 

“I’m sorry I have no clue why I’m telling you this story it’s just… it kind of marked the downfall of my reputation with my family I guess… It’s just, kind of been downhill from there,” Connor finished. 

 

He barely looked up from his ice cream the entire time that he spoke, picking at it like it was a plate of his mom’s vegan lasagna which, Evan agreed, was horrible. Connor was half smiling, half disappointed. The story did sound kind of bittersweet in Evan’s eyes. 

 

“It’s okay it’s uh, it was interesting,”  Evan said with a small smile. 

 

“God you’re adorable,” Connor muttered, looking up at Evan for a brief moment before looking away. Evan blushed and bit his lip before eating another spoonful of ice cream. 

 

“Do you eat or drink ice cream?” Evan asked as he spooned up some of the melted ice cream at the bottom of the bowl. 

 

Connor laughed. 

 

“Thanks for shutting me down,” Connor joked. Evan went to apologize and correct himself, but Connor cut him off. “It’s okay. Don’t apologize. I uh, I think you eat it? I mean, you don’t consume it with a straw,” Connor said. 

 

“You don’t consume soup with a straw and you drink it,” Evan pointed out. “Soup deceives you.” Evan was  _ dead  _ serious, but Connor was suppressing his laughter, not very well, but he was trying. 

 

“You’re serious?” Connor asked. Evan nodded. “You can eat soup- what about the vegetables or noodles?” 

 

“Those things are so soft and soggy you can just swallow them and your throat will mush them up. All soup is is a gross drink in disguise,” Evan said. “Ice cream can be made into milkshakes, which is a drink, but is ice cream itself a drink?” 

 

“Evan, does it really matter? Just, enjoy your ice cream. No existential crisis today,” Connor joked, smiling brightly. Evan really really liked his smile. A lot. 

 

“We need to get back soon. Jared’ll probably think we’re… up to something,” Evan said hesitantly and although it wasn’t that bad-  _ he was just thinking about what Jared would think _ \- he felt his face heat up and Connor laughed, rolling his eyes. 

 

“Ah yes, Jared and his wild sex fantasies. He’s probably just jealous you’d be getting some before he does,” Connor said, winking and not being serious at  _ all _ . Evan blushed harder, if that was possible, before getting out of the booth. 

 

“I uh, will be in the car when you’re ready to go,” Evan said before making his way to the door. Connor laughed and followed after him, grabbing him from around the waist as he stepped out of the store. 

 

Evan squealed as Connor picked him up and dropped him a couple feet over. Evan turned around and smacked Connor on the shoulder, earning a pretend hurt face from Connor. Evan smiled and nudged Connor before the two walked back to the car. 

 

Evan went to open his door, but was picked up again from behind and spun around, Connor smiling like an idiot with his arms around Evan’s waist. 

 

“Let’s just not go back to your house and leave Jared alone,” Connor said. Evan rolled his eyes before hesitantly putting his arms around Connor’s neck. 

 

_ He’s the one who is initiating all of it, so he’s okay with it. He’s not weirded out. You’re okay. He’s smiling, so it means he’s happy.  _

 

Evan face was hot, probably beet red, and his heart was pounding, but he’s okay. He’s definitely okay. 

 

“Ah yes because it wouldn’t be suspicious at all if we ditched Jared on  _ Valentines Day _ ,” Evan laughed. Connor shrugged and cocked his head to the side. 

 

“Please,” Connor scoffed. “Valentine's day is just another ordinary day. It was only invented ‘cause february didn’t have a holiday and every other month did,” he said. “It’s just another ordinary day.” His eyes flicked down quickly before smiling. “Plus valentine’s day is  _ such  _ a cliche for beginning a romance.” 

 

Evan rested his head on Connor’s shoulder and smiled. 

 

“I think this is the longest I’ve ever- I’ve ever blushed,” Evan muttered. 

 

“Yeah it’s cute,” Connor replied. Evan lifted his head again. 

 

_ Just kiss the asshole Hansen!  _ He could hear Jared  _ again  _ yelling in his ear. Evan sighed and shifted just a bit. 

 

They both just kind stood there and then Connor kind of leaned in, and Evan did too and Evan closed his eyes and he was shaking but Connor seemed  _ fine  _ which was stupid because Evan was supposed to be fine too. Evan could  _ feel  _ Connor’s breath and then- 

 

A loud set of wailing came from behind them as three little kids and their mother came out of the used toy store. Connor sighed before pushing away from Evan and Evan glared briefly at the lady before reminding himself that it wasn’t her fault her kids were  _ brats.  _

 

“We should probably get back so we’re settled before Kleinman gets out of school,” Connor said, as if nothing was about to happen.  _ Maybe nothing  _ was  _ going to happen? _

 

“Y-yeah,” Evan said with a slight nod. 

 

The car ride back was silent, but not an awkward silence. It was comfortable and Connor had his hand resting on top of Evan’s again. Evan stared out the window, but he was just kind of watching Connor through the reflection. It was a little weird, Evan had to admit, watching him through a window as he just focused on driving. 

 

They pulled up into Evan’s driveway and both got out, once again not acknowledging the hand holding. Was that weird? Usually people acknowledge these things, don’t they? Should they be? 

 

“Evan are you going to unlock the door?” Connor asked. Evan blinked and looked over at him before quickly nodding. 

 

“Yeah of course! Sorry I uh, I just…” Evan shook his head, reaching in his pockets to find his keys. “I just wanted to uh, ‘cause like uh, we… and then we almost but like…” Evan stumbled out as he finally pulled out his keys. 

 

“You okay?” 

 

_ No.  _

 

“Yeah! Yeah I just really… really uh.” Evan was blushing again. 

 

“Hey lovebirds, thanks for letting me walk to your place,” Jared called out. Evan sighed. Blocked a freaking gain. 

 

Evan rolled his eyes and unlocked his front door before letting the other two climb inside. 

  
  


Four movies, an order of pizza and half a tub of ice cream later, the three of them were all half asleep around the living room while some shitty adventure movie played (“ _ Just cause this is a room full of gays does  _ not  _ mean we are watching some shitty sitcom about a girl who makes stupid decisions in high school, _ ” Jared argued. Evan and Connor wanted to watch  _ high school musical  _ but  _ noo _ that couldn’t happen.)

 

“I’ll be right back,” Jared muttered, stretching as he stood up before making his way down the hallway. Both Connor and Evan kind of woke up and sat up, their eyes following Jared out of the room before he was out of sight. Then the two turned to each other and Evan licked his lips nervously. 

 

_ Why was he so nervous? They were just alone together for a brief moment.  _

 

“So,” Evan said, turning towards the tv. 

 

“So,” Connor mimicked. There was a beat of silence before Connor muttered a “ _ fuck it.” _

 

Connor turned to face Evan and pulled him close before hastily pressing his lips against Evan’s and  _ holy crap Connor was kissing him.  _

 

Evan took a second to comprehend what was happening before wrapping his arms around Connor’s neck and crawling onto his lap because  _ fuck it  _ he wanted to be closer to Connor. 

 

Connor ran a hand through Evan’s hair and pulled him closer and then there was  _ tongue.  _ Last time there was  _ not  _ tongue. It was weird but nice and he didn’t want it to stop because it was  _ Connor  _ and it felt so much better now that he wasn’t cheating on his girlfriend and his thoughts were running  _ way  _ too wild right now. 

 

“Jesus you two I leave the room for a solid two minutes,” Jared huffed from behind them.

 

Evan pulled away quickly and he was beet red again as he crawled off of Connor’s lap and sat down next to him, not keeping anywhere near the same amount of distance he was earlier. 

 

“You know I thought this was going to be a romance free zone but  _ nope  _ I can feel horniness  _ radiating  _ off of you two,” Jared said sarcastically as he sat down. Evan stayed silent and glanced around the room. 

 

“God it was only a matter of time anyways,” Jared muttered. 

 

“You’re the one who left us alone Kleinmen,” Connor said with a small shrug before wrapping his arm around Evan. “If you knew it was only a matter of time… shouldn’t have left us alone…” 

 

“I had to pee!” 

 

“Shouldn’t have left us alone…” 

 

Evan buried his head in Connor’s shoulder and chuckled while Connor just shrugged. 

 

Ten minutes back into the film again, and Evan looked up at Connor and smiled. Connor kissed him briefly once again before turning back to the movie with a small grin. 

 

“So are we dating?” Evan asked as he laced their fingers together. He kind of forgot Jared was right there. 

 

“Are we?” Connor replied. 

 

“I think we are,” Evan said a-matter-o-factly with a small smile, grinning up at Connor. 

 

“Then we are,” he said simply. 

 

“I am  _ right  _ here assholes!” Jared exclaimed. 

 

“You  _ could  _ leave,” Connor suggested. Jared scoffed. 

 

“And let you two get it on? Hell no. If I’m not getting nothing neither is Evan.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright here is a long pile of misc. notes 
> 
> 1\. It's been so long? I'm sorry? I started working on two other stories- whoops. 
> 
> 2\. If you noticed, I shorted the story from 32 chapters to 27 because a lot of the outlines were way too short to be singular chapters. Example- this chapter was a combination of three chapters originally. 
> 
> 3\. I should be finishing this guy up here pretty soon so hopefully it'll be done by the end of the month! 
> 
> 4\. This chapter was lame, I know, but like. It needed to happen, and it sure as hell took long enough.


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

Evan smiled softly as Connor returned to the basement with a bag of m&ms and two bottles of coke, though Evan didn’t particularly like coke. He did, however, like m&ms. 

 

And Connor, of course. He really liked Connor. 

 

“Welcome back.” 

 

“Glad to be back,” Connor laughed, setting everything down before kissing Evan gently and sitting beside him. Evan smiled and rested his head on Connor’s shoulder and closed his eyes. 

 

“So what’s the plan today?” Evan asked as Connor flipped through netflix. He shrugged and put his arm around Evan. Connor didn’t reply, he just kept scrolling. “It’s really nice out,” he commented. ‘’

 

“We can just stay here,” Connor said with a small shrug. “And we could just… watch movies, and just be lazy teenagers,” he suggested. 

 

Evan smiled and shrugged. “That’s a possibility,”

 

Connor smiled and Evan kissed him quickly. Connor chuckled and kissed him again, holding Evan close so he couldn’t just pull away. 

 

They had officially been dating for maybe a month now? February had turned to March so quickly that nothing really processed. They didn’t do much besides just hang around and watch movies. Sometimes they went on long drives, but they had yet to go to the orchard. It was an unspoken decision between the two, but Evan kind of wanted to go back. Now that it was warming up… he just… 

 

“Jesus get a room,” Zoe scoffed from behind them. 

 

Evan pulled away quickly and scooted over on the couch, adjusting his shirt and glancing quickly between the two. 

 

“Zoe I uh, we just-” 

 

“Relax Evan, Connor told me weeks ago. I’m fine with it,” she said. “As long as everyone’s happy and we broke up mutually. It’s fine.” She shrugged. “But seriously you two. Get a room.” 

 

“Zoe only I ever use the basement!” Connor exclaimed, earning a roll of the eyes from Zoe. 

 

“Not true,” Zoe said. 

 

“Kinda true,” Connor said. 

 

“Just go make out in your car or something,” Zoe said, grabbing a handful of the M&Ms before returning upstairs. 

 

Evan and Connor exchanged a look before moving close together again. Evan rested his head on Connor’s chest and hummed contently, lacing his hand with one of Connor’s. 

 

“You told Zoe?” Evan asked. 

 

“Yeah,” Connor said, like it was nothing. “I’m trying to turn myself around I guess? Communicate more and stuff? Plus like uh, I made you two break up and then a couple weeks later started sucking facing with you so I felt like I owed her.” 

 

“Sucking faces? You uh, could have just said kissing?” Evan said. Connor laughed. 

 

“Whatever floats your goat,” Connor said. 

 

Evan hesitated for a second. 

 

“I’m pretty sure it’s boat.” 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“It’s float your  _ boat  _ not float your goat,” Evan corrected Connor, who’s face tinted red just a bit. Connor rolled his eyes and shrugged it off like he didn’t care. He probably didn’t, it was an honest mistake, Evan guessed. It was a ridiculous one, but it was funny and honest cause at the end of the day, goat and boat are one letter off. 

 

The two went quiet as they watched TV, Evan closing his eyes and just taking in the moment. He was kind of bored, but Connor was warm and smelt like a mixture of pot and cologne in a lazy attempt to hide the weed smell. The two didn’t smell nice at all together, but it was Connor, so he was okay with it. 

 

Connor started flicking through the television channels around six, when the two had gotten bored of the show playing on Netflix. They had shifted positions a bit, Connor laying down across the couch with Evan sitting on his thighs, slouching in a way that his butt was kind of sitting on the couch, with his legs hanging over the edge of the couch and Connor’s legs. 

 

Connor huffed, before turning on the news in defeat. 

 

“There’s nothing on anymore,” he complained. “Fuck I’m turning to the news… Evan, entertain me,” he said with a helpless groan, before attempting to sit up, but ultimately just ended up laying back down. 

 

“The news can be entertaining,” Evan said with a small shrug. 

 

“Ah yes, this guy got shot, this trial finally went to court. The city is rebuilding the Orchard-  _ wait a second.”  _

 

At the headline currently playing, the two sat up, Evan shifting off of Connor so they were both sitting comfortably. 

 

“ _ The city announced today that the old  _ Apple Smiles Orchard  _ will be renovated and reopened in early fall. It shut down back in 2009 and has since laid dormant however, with a petition signed by over a thousand people, the city has decided to help fund the reopening with the company  _ Summer Experiences _ taking over the property and running it. _ ” the news lady with dusty blonde hair and a face smile said, with images of the orchard both from when it was opened to what it was like now flashed across the screen. 

 

The lady went on to talk about what the new park would feature and everything else. The lady mentioned how construsticion would begin at the end of the month, and then they moved onto the weather forecast. 

 

The two exchanged a glance before Connor turned off the tv and stood up. 

 

“Let’s go,” Connor said.

 

“To the orchard?” Evan said, standing up as well and adjusting his shirt. 

 

“Yeah- one last time. Let’s make one more happy memory before it’s taken away from us,” Connor said. “Plus I mean, I’ve got a bunch of pot there stashed away,” he added with a small laugh. 

 

Evan could tell Connor was kind of upset about the fact that it was reopening, but he would never bring it up. 

 

“It’s six thirty. It’ll be seven fifteen by time we get to the fence,” Evan said. 

 

“So? Neither of us got anywhere to be.” 

 

Evan was going to argue, but Connor was already making his way upstairs and Evan had to follow him. He would  _ not  _ be in the Murphy’s basement alone. Or in their house alone. Even with the parents out. 

 

Connor grabbed his keys and slipped on his shoes before looking up at Evan and smiling brightly. Evan returned the smile and Connor wrapped his arms around Evan’s waist and pulled him close, kissing him roughly and-  _ yeah Connor was definitely upset.  _

 

The two got in the car and Connor drove, keeping that stupid little grin on his face as he cranked up his music and rolled both their windows down. Evan went alone with it, because Connor seemed a lot happier than he did minutes ago in his doorway and Evan lived for those little moments. 

 

Thoughts creeped up in the back of his mind as they got closer and closer to the orchard. They hadn’t been back since the new year and Evan didn’t know if he really wanted to go back, but there was no backing out of it now. 

 

Connor pulled up where they normally did and got out. Most of the snow melted but it was muddy. Neither of them complained about it as they crawled through the fence. 

 

Connor took a deep breath as he gazed around. 

 

He made his way to the carousel and stepped on top, swinging around one of the poles before tripping and running into one of the horses. Evan laughed in the fading evening light and joined Connor. 

 

Evan hummed softly as he stood beside Connor, who was just taking everything in. 

 

“That’s my song,” Connor pointed out. 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“The one you’re humming? That’s the song I always hum,” Connor said. 

 

“Oh yeah I uh, I always have it stuck in my head,” Evan laughed, putting his hands in his sweater’s pockets. 

 

“That’s cute,” Connor said. 

 

“You’re cute,” Evan replied. Connor nudged him and climbed on top of one of the horses, sitting on it like a woman normally would. Evan stood in front of him and rested his arms on his legs to make sure he didn’t fall. 

 

“So, it’s  _ your song?  _ What is your song,” Evan asked. 

 

“Just a uh, stupid song my mother used to sing to me when I was younger. I can only remember the melody, but not any of the words,” Connor said with a small huff.  Evan gave a small reassuring smile, but Connor just shrugged. 

 

“Let’s go to the barn,” Connor said. Evan nodded and the two made their way down the path. 

 

Connor immediately climbed up to the second floor of the barn and grabbed his things still safely stashed away, before sitting on the ledge. Instead of waiting for Connor to come down, Evan climbed up and sat beside him. 

 

“That night, I debated diving head first into the floor if the pills weren’t taking long enough,” Connor just kind of blurted out. He looked over to Evan, who stared at him with a blank expression, kind of shocked that he just  _ said  _ that. “Sorry, that was uncalled for.” 

 

“This height wouldn’t have killed you I don’t think,” Evan said, looking down. It was only eight feet up maybe. “Maybe seriously injured…” 

 

“Yeah I guess,” Connor said. “Hitting it head first though…”

 

“No I uh, can pretty much speak from experience. It won’t kill you,” Evan said with a small, bitter laugh before realizing  _ exactly  _ what he said. 

 

“Experience?” Connor asked. His face was scrunched up and lips were parted. He looked concerned. Evan opened his mouth to speak, before stuttering out something inaudible and shrugging. “Evan…” 

 

“When I… when I uh, broke my uh- er, my arm? I climbed a tree- you know this. I think, I don’t uh, know if you re- remeber or not but back in early september I broke it and stuff and uh, you signed it? But yeah, I fell out of the tree,” Evan said with a small shrug. 

 

“I’m sorry I don’t remember hearing about that,” Connor said. Evan shrugged again. 

 

“It’s uh, it’s fine… You did kind of disappear for a month after that.” Evan laughed. 

 

“Did you fall? Truly? Or did you…” Connor trailed off, quickly trying to change the subject but it wasn’t a good subject. 

 

“I fell,” Evan said quickly. “Yeah I uh fell but uh, I- in the  _ moment _ I was hoping… i-it wasn’t intentional though! I’m uh, glad I’m alive now,” Evan said nervously. 

 

“You’re amazing,” Connor said. Evan smiled softly. 

 

“You are too,” he replied. 

 

And Connor kissed him. 

 

So he kissed back. 

 

And he was happy, so everything was okay. 

 

“If I were to go on a huge roadtrip- go across America and Canada, from let’s say July to November- would you join me?” Connor asked. 

 

“That’s a long time,” Evan mentioned. 

 

“That’s the point,” he said with a half smile and an adventurous glint in his eye. 

 

Evan smiled and sighed, opening his mouth to speak but nothing came out of it. He looked down and watched his feet swing back and forth. 

 

“I uh, I’m taking classes at the community college? I-in the fall… I wouldn’t be able to,” Evan said. Connor frowned and looked down, Evan offered a small smile, but he didn’t see it. 

 

“Would you miss me if I went?” Connor asked. 

 

“For that long? Yeah. A lot,” Evan said with a small laugh. “Would you come back home?” 

 

“I’d come back to you,” Connor said with a cheesy grin. 

 

Evan smiled and nodded and kissed him softly. Connor kissed him back and Evan rested his head on Connor’s shoulder, lacing their fingers together. 

 

“So uh, are you doing it?” Evan asked. 

 

“I think so, yeah. I’ve been to three cities in my life, I want to see the world- or uh, north america I guess,” he laughed. 

 

Evan was kind of hurt by this. He didn’t know why. He wanted Connor to be happy, and he liked him a lot. It was kind of weird to take in, and he hadn’t really, but it was whatever. 

 

“Would you uh.” Evan didn’t know what he was going to ask. 

 

“I’d love it if you came with me,” Connor said softly. 

 

“I can’t,” Evan said. 

 

“Even for just a month or two?” Connor asked. 

 

Evan hesitated. 

 

“Maybe,” he said shortly. “Let’s uh, talk about it later though. Maybe when we’re both in a better state of mind,” he laughed. 

 

“But’s it’s a maybe?” 

 

“Yeah it’s a maybe.” If Evan had the money, it would be a for sure yes- but he didn’t have much. It would be crazy to go for such a long trip with little to no money. He hummed softly and closed his eyes, nuzzling into Connor’s shoulder. Still, it was a maybe.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this story is not my proudest moment. It's got little to no overlaying plot, so I'm thinking of rewriting this? I'm going to finish it- there's only one more chapter left (there was supposed to be three but again, I mushed a bunch of them together) and this version is going to stay up but idk I might write an entirely new one with the original plot I had but idk man. Does anyone even read these notes? Who knows! 
> 
> One more chapter and we're done! Wow. Crazy man.


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

****

Evan laughed as he, Connor and Jared ran out of the school on the last day, the summer sun immediately warming his entire face. They all reached Connor’s car and Connor wrapped his arms around Evan, kissing him roughly before staring back at the school. 

 

“We’re done!” Connor said with a triumphant laugh. 

 

“No more high school!” Jared replied. 

 

Evan just smiled and wrapped his arm around Connor’s waist. 

 

“Fuck you school!” Connor shouted, before he and Connor crawled into his car. 

 

“See you two tonight,” Jared said, before walking off to his own car. 

 

Evan and Connor smiled and kissed again, Connor almost crawling over onto his lap before Evan stopped him. 

 

“Hey hey hey, we’ve gotta get back to your place,” Evan laughed, pushing the other away playfully. 

 

“Yes mom,” Connor said with a playful roll of his eyes. Evan smiled and sat back against the car seat. 

 

Connor drove home and the two made their way up to Connor’s room. 

 

Connor shut the door and joined Evan on the bed, where he smiled and then tackled Evan, kissing him roughly once again. He crawled on top of Evan, straddling him while Evan lied down, his arms wrapped around Connor’s neck to keep Connor close. 

 

“Do you really have to leave tomorrow?” Evan asked. 

 

Connor stuck with his plan that he thought up back in April at the barn. He was going to go travel across America- he ended up using his college fund since he didn’t plan on going at all. He was leaving tomorrow around noon, which seemed a bit too soon. 

 

They just had their last day of highschool. Their graduation ceremony was two weeks ago and the prom one, which the two went to for maybe an hour before going back to Evan’s house and doing… typical post prom things. 

 

And yet, Connor was wasting no time to get going. He didn’t want to plan a week just to hang out with Evan, which kind of sucked. He was going to miss Connor so so  _ so  _ much. 

 

“My offer still stands, I’ve got an extra ticket for that show in New York… You’d be able to come with me, no problem,” Connor replied. 

 

“I wish I could…” Evan said softly. 

 

“You can though!” Connor exclaimed. “Just for a month, you don’t start your program until mid august… I’ll get you back home in time.” 

 

Evan smiled and kissed Connor again. He didn’t want to answer Connor’s statement. He loved Connor- he really did, but he didn’t- no he couldn’t go. Not on such short notice. 

 

He was tempted though. He really was. 

 

“I’ve got no money,” Evan said. 

 

“That doesn’t matter!” Connor said. 

 

Evan sighed and kissed him again. He just wanted to make out with him and have a wonderful time before Connor left. Connor wasn’t having it though. 

 

“Come with me,” Connor said. 

 

“I wish I could,” Evan said. 

 

“You  _ can _ ,” Connor said. 

 

Evan shrugged before sitting up, Connor falling off of his lap in the process. Evan ran a hand through his hair and Connor frowned. Evan hated that damn frown. 

 

“ _ If  _ I go, how am I getting home?” Evan said. 

 

“I’ll drive you, obviously,” Connor said humorously. 

 

“That’ll set your trip back a couple days,” Evan pointed out. 

 

“I’ve thought it out already. It wouldn’t,” Connor said with a small shrug. 

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

“You don’t have time to think about it!” Connor exclaimed. Evan shrugged before kissing him again. 

  
  


Later that night, after Evan helped Connor pack whatever there was left to pack, they made their way to Evan’s house, where Heidi had organized a dinner with Jared’s family, and Evan was going to drag Connor along because Connor was family. 

 

Instead of going off and doing their own thing, like the boys normally did, the three sat with Evan and Jared’s parents, talking happily and reflecting on high school, much to Connor’s dismay. 

 

Halfway through dinner, when the laughter and chatting came to a slow, Connor cleared his throat and glanced between Evan and Heidi. 

 

“Heidi, I was uh wondering. This is  _ super  _ last minute however, would it be okay if Evan came with me on the first month or so of my trip? He wants to go, but won’t stop stressing over money and so many little things that really don’t matter,” Connor said with a small laugh. 

 

Heidi smiled and glanced between the two. Evan was eighteen- he could make these kind of decisions on himself. Still, he nudged Connor and smiled, ducking his head down to avoid his mother’s reaction. 

 

“That sounds like so much fun,” Heidi said. “Evan’s old enough to make his own decisions I’m sure. Evan you should go.” 

 

Evan looked at Connor and glared at him, though the glare lacked any sort of spite. 

 

“He leaves tomorrow mom,” Evan said. Heidi shrugged. 

 

“Go! Have fun,” Heidi said. “You’re so young, do impulsive things,” he encouraged. 

 

“Yeah and leave me alone with no friends?” Jared spoke up across from Evan. Evan smiled and glanced at Connor. 

 

“Maybe I should go just to spite you then,” Evan laughed. Jared raised his eyebrows and scoffed. 

 

“Wow okay I see how it is,” Jared said. Everyone laughed, despite it not being that funny. However, adults seemed to laugh at anything. 

 

“Will you go now?” Connor asked. Evan knew he was going to keep pushing him until Connor left. He wanted to go, he wanted to go  _ so  _ badly. He was close to caving in. So close. 

  
  


Connor stayed later than Jared’s family. The two laid lazily up in Evan’s room, admittedly both  _ mostly  _ naked. They were home alone and the hour was ticking closer and closer to midnight. 

 

Evan nuzzled into Connor’s shoulder and sighed, closing his eyes. He was beginning to get tired now and was so close to falling asleep, but he didn’t want to. Outside, there was the soft patter of rain against his window. 

 

“You should get going pretty soon,” Evan said sadly, tracing a small pattern on Connor’s chest. 

 

“I’m staying the night,” Connor said. “Too comfy to move… and I’m about to leave you for four months.” 

 

Evan’s eyes dropped half shut and slowed his tracing. 

 

There was a moment where tension built up quickly, before Evan closed his eyes completely. 

 

“I’m coming,” he decided. He decided that  _ before  _ the two had been left alone, so maybe he shouldn’t have admitted it in his half asleep state. He felt Connor shift closer to him. His arms tightened around Evan and if Evan was looking at him, he would think Connor was smiling. 

 

“You are?” he asked. Evan could  _ hear  _ the smile in his voice. 

 

He smiled. 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

Connor kissed the top of his head and pulled the blanket up around the two. 

 

“I’ll pack tomorrow morning.” 

 

“I’ll help you,” Connor said softly. 

 

Evan smiled. He had made his decision. The rain picked up outside, and Evan shifted just a bit, causing Connor to roll onto his side, and Evan curled up next to him. 

 

“I’m excited,” Connor said with a small laugh. 

 

“I love you,” Evan said quietly. 

 

He fell asleep before hearing Connor’s answer, but he was sure it had to be a good one. 

  
  


It was still raining the next day as the two said goodbye to Heidi. It was pouring by time they got back to the Murphy’s house for Connor to grab his things and say goodbye to Zoe and his mother- Larry wasn’t there, as he felt for work early. 

 

Evan heard Cynthia mutter something along the lines of  _ take care of yourself. Come back in one piece.  _

 

It was bittersweet, but Evan had to remind himself that the two of them were going to come back. Without a doubt, they were coming back. Even if Evan was coming back a bit sooner, Connor was coming back. 

 

They were just going on an adventure. You always come back from an adventure. 

 

They drove off and took the highway that passed the orchard, stopping at A La Mode briefly. They ate their ice cream quickly and then left, getting stuck outside as Connor struggled to unlock his car. 

 

“This is kind of a funny full circle,” Evan pointed out. Connor raised an eyebrow, finally being able to unlock his car. “That time you picked me up and drove me home in the rain?” Evan said. 

 

Connor smiled and kissed him quickly. 

 

“We’ll get in. This time I’m not driving you home though. And- I’m okay with my car getting soaking wet.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh, I decided just to finish it off tonight as I'm in the writing rhythm now. 
> 
> She's a mess, but she did her best. 
> 
> This is the end of Rainy Sidewalks. I left it open so I could do maybe a sequel if I really wanted to??? I have a concept that would totally work as a sequel- as it is literally the two going on a cross country trip but idk we'll see if I choose to connect the two or not. 
> 
> Thanks for reading this I guess? I know it's not the best, but I'm excited to kind of work on some new concepts and stories and stuff. Yeah. Thanks for reading- hopefully the next story you read by me, if you do, is a lot better than this guy. 
> 
> (Side note: I have a three part soulmate AU up that I'm pretty proud of if you wanna read that ;);) )


End file.
